positively neurotic me

"It's a living thing"....

2011-05-02T02:24:00.000-07:00

Working in a small town nursing home, eventually you're going to see someone you know laying in a bed........
Or someone of someone you know.........

In either case, your objectivity is now shot full of holes, and it becomes COMPLETELY PERSONAL.......

Summer of 2006.........

My father was dying from lung cancer.........

( 400 miles away from me )

This is the part where you're expecting to hear how much that sucked......

It did suck

But this post isn't about Dad.....

Except maybe where his struggle paralleled another man's during that summer full of learning, coping, grieving, growing, and strangely.... optimism...........

This is the part where it's about to become completely personal..........

Walking into the nurses lounge from the heat of the parking lot, I registered two things immediately.....

The ac was broken.....

( AGAIN........... one of these days I'm just gonna go to work in my underwear)

And everyone was quiet.......

TOO quiet..........

Someone ate my brownie out of the fridge, and no one wants to fess up, kind of quiet.........

holding their breath kind of quiet.........

I was sliding my purse down my shoulder, reaching for my locker key, and interrogating a table full of stricken CNA's............

( all at the same time.... cause I'm good like that )

"WHAT'S UP"????????

The answer came as I turned, key in hand, to open my locker.....

This was the last "Civilian" moment of the afternoon......

When I turned back, I'd be in CNA mode.....

And they knew it.............

The answer hit me in the back........ like a bullet, a grenade......

Their words tumbled out hurriedly, they tripped awkwardly around them.....

"We have a new resident............... Male...... lung cancer....... spread to the brain"............

My hand gripped the top of the locker door, till I was white knuckled......

As I slowly processed each word........

As they came to sleep gently in the space between my belly and my diaphragm........

The space that was turning to ice, despite the heat in the room......

My brain already had the knowledge that my heart didn't want.....

You're thinking, as they were, that I was reacting to the words: "Lung Cancer".......

That I was being slowly undone by those two tiny words.......

If only it were that simple.......

If only this weren't completely personal.......

My inner voice gave my shoulder a hard nudge.....

GET IT OVER WITH

My outer voice forced the question around the dread building in my throat...

"What's his name"?

such a simple question..............

My hands were closing around a pen and notebook........

I'm force feeding a light tone into my voice.........

and praying under my breath to God, or anyone who would listen.....

please, please, please, don't let this be happening............

I'll say 97 Rosaries a day...........

I'll eat vegetables.......

I'll be nice to all the stupid people who annoy the crap out of me.......

But please.........

Don't let this be...........

Not now............

Not ever............

His name floated across the back of my neck, causing the hairs to cringe........

It settled in my soul, and cried hot useless tears........

It had just become personal........

I wasn't crying inside because my Dad was dying..........

Because lung cancer is unfair, and it suck, suck, sucks.....

( although it does )

I was crying for the someone of someone I knew............

I hadn't met this man.......... ( Yet )

I only knew he was in his late 50's, and he'd been dealt an incredibly crappy hand......

I would come to know him of course.........

In the very short time he was with us........

The slow, teasing, grin..........

The kind words.... even on the bad days, when all he might be able to string together was: "Thank You"...... he got 'em out.......

And later...........

on the worst days.....

When the disease had stolen even the simplicity of speech from him.......

He said "Thank you" with expressive eyes, that followed activity around the room........

He was..........

A pure sweetheart...........

With humor, courage, and a smile that will be remembered forever......

He had come to us, entirely too young............

To die.............

and that sucked......

The fact that it was the same disease that was currently ravaging my own father's body, was a cruel, ironic, parlor trick of fate.......

If it were to serve as a window into the future I didn't want to think about.....

The world that would continue to spin without my father in it...

Than so be it...........

I wasn't thinking of that as I turned from the locker to face the room again.......

I wasn't thinking of this man I had yet to meet...............

As I eased myself into a chair........

struggling inwardly for composure, I asked quietly for his kardex.......

The well meaning attempt at sparing my feelings......

"Janine, maybe.... "

"GIVE ME THE DAMN KARDEX".......

She still thought I was going to dissolve at the words: "Lung Cancer"..........

I wasn't thinking of the apology as I gave it...........

I wasn't thinking of lung cancer.......

As I balanced his kardex between my fingers......

I read the pertinent information...............

The CNA in me made my hands take down the facts.........

Until my eyes found her name on the page before me......

of course I'd known I would find her name there.......

Had known it since HIS name made it's way into my eardrums, courtesy of a well meaning co worker behind me........

Of course she was what I was thinking of.............

Beyond the power and the pain of this horrible disease.........

Beyond the job I knew was before me......

I hadn't met him yet................

But he was her someone............

He was the someone of someone I knew........

And not just "Knew"..........

"Idolized".... would probably not be out of the ball park..........

Our paths crossed in an organization for battered women.........

Excuse me..........

Battered People......

because men get battered too.......

This woman had a job bigger than life, and a personality to match it......

Tough as nails, combined with a heart of gold.........

The strength of a mountain lion, and the grace of a queen......

It's true that the first time I ever set eyes on her, she scared the shit out of me............

she carried strength and confidence so firmly.... that it entered the room ahead of her........

and made me want to hide under the desk.............

She taught me............

She cheered for me..............

She saved me..........

It's kinda hard not to idolize someone who's handed you back your life.......

( and I have three...... count them, three women who worked to see that this was done......... yeah. THREE..... what can I say??? I am nothing, if not work......... )

She'd seen me from victim to survivor...........

She made me believe in...... welll... me again.........

She made me see myself in a whole new light......

so, yeah........ "Idolize" in a: if God ever steps down, she'd take the throne, easy " way .........

Sitting in the nurses lounge on that hot, difficult, afternoon........

I knew I could do the job before me.........

I didn't have a doubt in the world that I could walk onto the nursing floor, and introduce myself to this man......

Her special someone.........

I knew I would do all that was within my power to make him comfortable.....

I could do all the nurse things........

But seeing this woman I idolized in a different light..........

Looking into her face and seeing vulnerability.......

My employee hand book never covered that...........

And so the conversations floated around me at the table..........

Somebody's dog had worms.......

Somebody's boyfriend was: SOOOOO STUPID!!!!!!

Somebody was ordering chinese for supper..........

( yes...... we can discuss worms and chinese food in the same sentence...... N U R S E S )

When the Supervisor walked into the room it was business as usual.......

lip gloss and magazine's got slipped into purses.....

all eyes were on him as he began briefing the nurses and CNA's on our new admit..........

and when he got done, he said: "Janine........... You don't have to go into that room"..........

They were trying to protect me......... to take care of their own.........

They still thought this was as simple as "Lung Cancer".......

Lucky them.........

Everything she'd taught me..........

Everything she instilled in me..............

Everything she made me believe in, joined me in that single second of time.......

They straigtened my shoulders.............

and raised my chin............

As I replied: "Oh yes, I DO............ I do need to go into that room......... it's personal"....

I'm sure they thought I was going to arm wrestle the demons of my own father's cancer..........

And I let them think it........

I was too preoccupied with how I was going to do my job............

while at the same time, viewing this woman, one of the heros of my world........

Outside of my comfort zone.......

Cancer is a cakewalk, compared to that....

I walked onto the nursing floor.........

I introduced myself to the someone of someone I knew..........

I did all the nurse things........

I did everything within my power to make him more comfortable........

They were magic together.......

I guess this shouldn't have come as a surprise to me.......

But who could have believed that she had more to teach me???

Who would believe that a dying man taught me some of the most important lessons I've learned thus far about living?

They were amazing...........

Miraculous............

They took each day for exactly what it was.............

An unreturnable gift.........

I never loved or hated my job more..........

Than in those early summer days of 2006........

When it became completely personal...........

When a dying man's dancing eyes could fill my heart with a strange kind of hope........

When a woman whom I always viewed as stronger than God, showed me that we are never stronger............

Never better....

than when we let a little vulnerability in.....

I knew that early July evening, as I walked towards his room.......

That it was for the last time...........

The room was dim.....

She was sitting in a chair pulled up close to the bed.......

she might have had paperwork in her lap......

or an unread book..........

I don't remember........

I remember fighting the warm tears hiding behind my eyes, and choking my vocal chords.........

I said the first inane thing that came into my mind.....

"PLEASE let me bring you in a bed"........

( let me stand here until this big old pile of helpless inside me goes away..... let me fix this............... please God, make this better for her, cause I sure as hell can't..... )

She said a simple "No"........

I felt the tears tickling my bottom eyelids........

I said a very quiet "G'night"..........

I think she may have responded with "Good Night, Janine"........

I can't be entirely sure, because I was hauling ass for the nearest exit sign.........

Sprinting, you might call it......

I stood for a moment in the dark of the parking lot........

I've seen a lot of people die...........

I don't always cry............

I wasn't just crying that night..........

I was sobbing.......

For a wonderful man I had just barely gotten to know.......

And for this larger than life shero of mine..........

I knew she'd hurt.......

For a long time........

But she'd also go on......

she'd survive..........

She'd help others up where she could......

It's kinda what she does.........

People like that.........

They make the world go around.......

I knew.......

Even through my tears......

Through my exclamations of hate for this job.........

My vow not to return.......

That I would be back the next day..........

To do everything within my power to make someone comfortable.........

To do the nurse things..........

because they had shown me.............

Through hope, resilience, belief, and when it became clear that nothing else was to be........... acceptance.......

It hadn't just been a completely personal thing after all..........

It had been a living thing

"Love's been a little bit hard on me".........

2011-04-29T22:28:00.000-07:00

Today ( yesterday??) Whatever.........

Prince William married Kate Middleton in what can only be described as a "Fairy Tale Wedding".....

The fact that I didn't entirely buy into the whole fairy tale thing even when I was 5, may have marred my ability to share in the happiness of these 2 complete strangers.........

The fact that I can still remember the day I saw pictures of a newborn Prince William in his beautiful mother's arms.........

When he was nothing more than a swaddled white blanket, with a balding head......

That might be marring my ability to share in this public event of love and happily ever after, and all that jazz.........

Because putting that little balding head, next to the image of the beaming bridegroom today made me realize... ( again )

That somewhere in between yesterday and today, I got old ( er )

And I don't need a Royal Couple, flowers, cake, and some of the most butt ugly hats I have ever seen in my life, to serve as a reminder............

I have an incredible granddaughter, who will all too soon learn to call me "Grandma" for that.......

The fact that I am divorced certainly doesn't aid in my ability to believe in the beauty of things on the surface..............

Because I've done a lot of my living down in the dirt and the dark..........

Where I gotta tell you.......

It ain't so pretty...........

Not that I didn't TRY........

I had the pretty little wedding..........

Cake..........

( of course I'm gonna start with the cake...... because above all else in life.... I love me some carbs )

Flowers...............

( much like the marriage, they eventually died )

The beautiful white dress............

( I was a sweet, young, Catholic girl....... who also happened to be a little bit pregnant...... I spent the day waiting to be struck dead for my sin )

The Limo................

( I get carsick.......... add a little pregnant to that, and shake......... get the picture??? )

Some grand gestures are just lost on me......

The vows................

( let's just say in my next life I'm checking the fine print )

But overall.........

It was a pretty little day...........

It just didn't guarantee a pretty little future..........

I became a divorced woman.........

I love my divorce..................

In a really, seriously committed, way..........

I recently sent an e mail, and one of the lines read: "The last time I kissed my divorce papers they were still legal"..........

I'm having that put on my headstone some day............

This is not to say that I still haven't "Tried"........

Read:

Well meaning friends, and the promise of a free meal= BLIND DATING........

Having married the boy next door when I was 18 meant that I wasn't exactly up to speed on what constituted dating etiquette......

I just knew it was going to require shaving, and putting on pantyhose.......

2 things I hate

My stomach had already been in knots all day, the last thing I needed was a knock at the door just as I was stepping out of the shower...........

Most people would not have answered in a towel...........

Most people would not have greeted him with: "You're early".........

Read:

We're off to a REALLY bad start here............

I am not most people..........

And I was dearly wishing I owned a leash, so I could tie him to the light pole out front till I was ready.......

( or you know, dressed)

But my mother raised me to be polite, even when I'm not in the mood.........

So I ushered him in........

"Well.............. you may as well come in".............

( since you're EARLY )

As the cold air played over my wet skin, I came to the awful realization that I was standing in front of a complete stranger........

With nothing between him, and everything that made me a woman, except a loosely tied piece of terrycloth...............

( a REALLY bad start )

so much for the sweet, young, Catholic girl..........

to his credit.......

his eyes were glued on my maroon toe nail polish, and not on the place where my cleavage used to live........

Come to think of it.........

this was my mid to late thirties.........

My cleavage was migrating dangerously close to my toes..........

So in hindsight. I probably gave him too much credit....

I directed him to the couch, where he had to push aside a pile of scrub tops to sit...........

what can I say????

I live alone , and sometimes I revel in being a slob.......

Life is too short to waste on dusting.........

You want sparkling floors, and hospital corners????

Go visit Martha Stewart........

( she probably wouldn't have answered the door in a towel )

I introduced him to Ringo, the only swearing Cockatiel in captivity....

"Ringo.... is he named after Ringo Starr"?

"Ummmm... yeah"

Awkward small talk..... 0.2 seconds....

And I'm still mostly naked..........

"Excuse me while I go get a little less....... comfortable"......

I greeted him with a barely suppressed grimace.............

With a towel that barely covered all the wrinkles, to say nothing of the sags.......

I made him fight for space amongst my un ironed clothes......

And I left him alone with a bird who was in birdie heat, and who cussed like a sailor.......

Is it any wonder all he sprung for was a 5 dollar burger and some watery cole slaw at the truck stop??????

I was married............

I didn't like it................

I don't excel at dating................

But at the end of the day.........

When I close the door , and survey the couch full of un ironed scrub tops..........

I know this space is mine................

And you can't beat that.............

Keep your 5 dollar burgers......

I'll take the freedom of choice, and the hard won peace that every still portrait from my life has brought me to.....

I grew up to be the person I was intended to be all along......

And I did it without butt ugly hats.............

Jocelyn Alexandra.... January 18, 2011... a labor of love

2011-02-06T06:47:00.001-08:00

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Jocelyn Alexandra.... January 18, 2011... a labor of love

2011-02-05T13:41:00.001-08:00

Hi blog world!!! been busy........... becoming a Grandma!!!!!!

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

the things I learned in a support group...... ( The 100th post!!!!!!! )

2010-09-02T11:29:00.000-07:00

Several years ago I found myself immersed in a support group.........

( can it actually be 10 years ago???? why yes, it can........ wow )

Anyway..........

It was a group of women gathering once a week, to discuss their problems, their struggles, and their triumphs.........

A large, generic, room............

Large conference tables, white walls adorned with "Quit Smoking", posters.........

An air conditioner that only worked when you didn't want it to, and somewhere close by I'm sure that there was bad coffee......... ( I don't drink coffee so this was never my issue )

We gathered together there, once a week, 4 to 6 women........

Some sat quietly, looking into their laps.........

some filled the room with the sound of raised voices, and the balm of laughter......

Different ages, different backgrounds, different beliefs.......

same goals.........

peace..............

self -respect.................

SURVIVAL.......

and the different ways we had attained these things in our lives..........

The last time I walked out of that room, I knew it was for the final time....... I didn't look back, I didn't have to........

Circumstances change, people grow in different directions, life happens.............

We started out as different women, and we ended up as different women......

But somewhere in the middle we shared resilience, laughter, and survival.............

I carried those things with me, out of that room...........

And I share them, still today, with other people I meet facing struggles.......

And there we are again........... those different women and I.......

coming together in the middle...........

life's full circles.............

Ya gotta love 'em............

I digress........ ( kinda)

I learned ( or I was SUPPOSED to learn) other things in that room............

mainly respectful listening, and something along the lines of if you can't think of anything helpful, keep your mouth SHUT.... ( yeah..... I epically FAIL in this direction... but that comes later)

it's not all my fault..............

let's look at the definition of the term "Moral Support", for a moment, shall we????

"Moral Support".... is a way of giving support to a person, or cause, or to one side in a conflict, without making any contribution beyond the emotional or psychological value of the encouragement.......

"Encouragement" being the key word.........

and now let's look at a day I arrived at support group with an abscessed tooth, and an appointment with the dentist..............

Yes...... I did discuss my decaying teeth with these women........ It was MY 20 minutes, okay????

( and trust me....... this was one of my tamer days... so these women got off lucky)

It needs to be said that I am mortally afraid of the dentist.......

I would rather give birth ( sideways ) to Siamese twins, than sit in a dentists chair....

( now you know why my teeth are decaying )

But I was pretty proud of actually taking the initative, taking care of me......

( and you know, THE PAIN kinda helped convince me, too......)

So.... I bravely announce my appointment.... ( in a tone that indicated I was heading for the gallows.....)

And I sit back, waiting for my empowerment, my ' Encouragement', if you will.....

and I got................

"Oh my GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you're going to HIM???????!!!!!!!! WHY are you going to HIM"????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

uhhhhh.......... because my tooth HURTS???!!!!!

( DUHHHH )

"OH MY GOD!!!!!!! HE'S AWFUL"...........

Alrighty Than................

I am a ( fairly) reasonable person, and there are many degrees of awful...........

What kind of awful are we talking about, here????????

Awful as in he doesn't wash his hands before he sticks them in your mouth????

Or awful as in he's still in litigation with his last victim's family??????

At this point in time I turned to "The Woman Who Walked On Water".............

My anchor, my rock, one of the ones who saw me through every crises imaginable, who kept me standing, who kept me laughing, and who kept me strong........

( and in case you haven't noticed...... who was on such a high pedestal, I don't know how she never got a terminal nosebleed)

I looked over, fully expecting that she would be calm, she would be soothing, and that she would do what she did best..... ( peel me off the ceiling )

YEAH.

She looked like she wanted to CRY.........

seriously???????????

CRY.

This might have been in a "I'm really going to miss you, Janine", type of way..........

or it might have been an attempt to amputate her own tongue, before the laughter escaped...........

Most likely she was realizing that her potential fall from the pedestal would SMART a bit......

So she swallowed ( Past her tongue) a couple of times.. and tried, God bless her, for control....

"Uhhhhh.......... I thought you were going to the OTHER dentist?????? "

( you know..... the one who washes his hands )

Me: "He's more expensive"............

"OHHHHH"............

( now she looked like: That's really DUMB, Janine )

But she soldiered on.......... "Maybe we better change the subject"...........

I'm glad I never discussed my pap smear, with these people........

Soooo........

Eventually I move on from support group, and apply what I learned in the general public.......

And here we come to EPIC FAIL

a friend called me up and told me she had cancer...........

My response, my support, my 'encouragement' ???

"Welllllll........ just........... F%^K".........

I was horrified, even with myself, as soon as it was out.........

But she was laughing so hard, it took 5 minutes to get to the apology.....

"I am SOOO sorry!!! I meant that to sound so much more supportive than it did....."!!!

( as supportive as an F bomb can sound, anyway)

She said.... "Oh, Janine.......... it was just WONDERFUL"!!!!!!!!!

Okey Dokey..............

So last night my powers of support were put to the ultimate test.........

my 41 year old cousin had to have a bunch of tests.... one of them being an internal ultrasound..........

They think they see a shadow which they suspect may be a gestational sac..............

YEAH...... the kind that turns into a BABY............

After I got done sputtering, and swearing, and ( kinda) laughing......

I may have asked her how this possibly could have happened........

( alright...... so I need to go back to sex ed, shoot me......... )

after she got done explaining, and I got done all out laughing now....

She said: "I hope you're enjoying yourself, because you're dead to me"........

I replied, with all the 'Encouragement' I had learned in support group............

"I am enjoying myself immensely, and I'm about to go kiss my vibrator"......

* This was my 100th post, thanks for sticking with me through pap smears, decaying teeth, vibrators, and of course, my errant boobs........ Here's to the next 100!!!!! *

"She Was All I Ever Needed"......

2010-09-01T09:37:00.000-07:00

When Heather became pregnant again after the devastating loss of her triplets, I could only think of one thing............ "Please"...................

And I've carried that with me all these months........

Short, Sweet, And to the point......... "Please"........

It's gone with me to work, to sleep, into the shower, and even standing in line at wal mart....... ( I'm sure my distraction was the only thing that kept the groping teenagers, and hell's angels wanna Be's alive )

I haven't pondered what kind of grandmother I will actually make...............

Never really gave 2 seconds thought to whether Heather's baby would be a boy or a girl.....

I'd settle for Heather's baby will BE..........

Okay....... I lied ( Kinda)

I did ( kinda) picture a boy.......

Before the pregnancy test had even dried out Heather proclaimed her child was a girl.......

She flat out refused to discuss boys names, or blue nurseries, because: "My baby doesn't have a penis"........

I, meanwhile, pictured me and my "Little Man"........

I imagined snips, snails, and puppy dog tails..........

Bottle caps, sticks, a baggie, clutched in a dirty little fist, filled with a half dead goldfish.......

Rocket ships, race cars, rodeos, and dead ( God Willing) bugs..........

Spaghetti o'd face kisses, and sandbox covered hugs.....

I was prepared for a boy...............

I was ( sorta ) ready to be the Grandmother to a boy...........

I sat beside my daughter last month and listened to the galloping sound of my unborn grandbabys heartbeat... and I did what I promised myself I wouldn't do.... I finished falling in love with this child.......

I watched Heather, as she finished falling in love with this child......

And than I watched Heather again....... as she reached out for the image of her child on an ultrasound screen...........

I've heard ( and hated ) the vulnerability in her voice as she quietly asked: "Is my baby okay"??

I've held my breath, and counted days with Heather................

I celebrated the transition from the first to the second trimester.........

Next week she hits the 20th week.......... Halfway home......

She has now just safely passed where she was with the triplets........ a lot to celebrate..........

And than this past Friday she went for the "BIG" ultrasound...........

Heather wants a girl..............

Heather's husband wants a girl..........

I was the first girl born in my father's family in over 30 years......

Heather was the first girl born in HER father's family in about 10 years.....

And there hasn't been a girl in Heather's husbands family in over THIRTY FIVE years.....

So no wonder I'm expecting a boy, right??????

The doctor has already said that Heather's pregnancy is very healthy.... and that she has a VERY strong baby in there..............

But she has a very strong GIRL in there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I didn't believe it...........

I'm going to have a granddaughter...........

I said: "Could they have made a mistake.... missed something, maybe"????

Heather: "Noooo, Mama...... the baby showed us all of her stuff".........

I'm going to have a granddaughter who enjoys showing off her stuff........ Not exactly something to brag about during sewing circle......... I bet I manage though..........

It should be noted that Heather's first daughter did the same thing............. It's a trait that seems to run in the family.......

While my head is still spinning, Heather informs me that she's taking steps to ensure that Jocelyn is her only child..........

It shouldn't have come as a shock after everything she's been through.....

She amazes me, this daughter of mine........

After the loss of all 3 of her children, I don't know how she gets out of bed in the morning.......

And where she got the strength to attempt another pregnancy........

But still...... this is a permanent decision, and she's my little girl......

So I asked if she was sure..........

and than I remembered earlier this week when my niece, who's an only child, began pestering my sister for a baby brother or sister...........

in an attempt to lighten the moment I asked.......

"What are you going to say to Jocelyn when she asks for a baby brother or sister"???

My beautiful daughter replied ( with all the wisdom her tragedy has brought her)

"That's simple, mama........ I'm going to tell her she was all I ever needed"...........

WOW.

Heather continued........

"And than I'm going to buy her a goldfish"................

looks like I'm getting my baggie, clutched in a dirty little fist, filled with a half dead goldfish, after all.....

Thank Heavens for little girls......

The Road Not Taken....

2010-08-19T15:03:00.000-07:00

Everybody has a "What If" at some point in their life......

A beckoning road not explored..........

A job not taken, a proposal turned down..........

A child not born.................

A mountain not climbed.............

once again I'm going to speak of this thing called "Human Nature"..........

Human Nature compels us to be curious...........

How would my life have been different if I'd CHOSEN differently??????

Waited for what was behind door number 2, instead of settling for the zonk behind door number 1????

I was 18 that year...........

My year of "Choice"..................

Of roads unexplored, and doors not opened.......

What does an 18 year old know about relationships, about grown up love, and about being comfortable inside of her own skin????

especially an 18 year old who hadn't necessarily learned to love herself, before the boy with the messy hair, cruel eyes, and abrupt hands, showed her his version of backseat love.........

He professed his love with hot beer breath, and fumbling hands straining to find the clasp on her bra...........

Her child was conceived to the strains of "Paradise By The Dashboard Light".......

Two months later when she found herself standing weak kneed, in a near strangers bathroom, with the words: "You're pregnant",reverberating off the walls, there was no "What If".......

This was the 80's.......... Girls in "Trouble" had the usual 3 choices........

Terminate
Adoption
or keep the baby

I have never, not for one second, regretted the decision to bring my son into the world.........

He filled me with awe, with wonder for things yet to come......

He humbled me, he floored me, and he completed me...........

I never questioned whether I should be feeling complete with his father..........

I never questioned the looks that could crumple me, shrink me into nothing......

Until I actually felt like nothing..........

I never questioned the frozen fear that came to live inside of me, like a cancer........

It called to me, taunted me against my next misstep........

Waiting with me, for the next outburst, and it's inevitable outcome........

I never questioned "What If", or that road unexplored..........

Because I'd chosen what was behind door number 1........ before I was introduced to door number 2...............

The beautiful boy with the kind eyes, and gentle voice...........

The boy who awakened a current inside of me......

Arms that I felt safe in.........

A voice that brought me laughter, comfort, pure joy..........

An accidental touch could make my skin sing, rather than cringe in fear.............

He brought me to the heights of the simple things that could have been possible, would have been possible, had we met just a second earlier in time..............

I haven't seen this boy, the one I call "The boy who got away", in 19, 20, years............

I remember the sound of his voice...........

I remember the way his arms felt when they instinctively pulled me protectively into the safety of his chest......

I remember the feel of his heartbeat against my hair........

The feel of gentle hands that wiped away the tears his friends cruelty had put on my face........

The current that ran between us remained unexplored......

We were both people who did the things that were expected of us.........

Adultery was not on the list......

20 years later, and the current still lives in me............. unexplored

Can it be love???????

is this what it feels like??????

This butterfly like feeling in the space where frozen fear once lived?????

The physical ache of wanting to feel those arms again?????

This time with no limitations...............

It might be a mid life crises..............

It might be the flu..............

It may be something I ate..........

I prefer to blame human nature............

in any case............

life is too short to live with "What If"...........???

life is too short not to reach for the gold ring on the merry go round........

"You get what you get when you go for it".............

"I'll take door number 2, Monty"......

I'm just random like that..........

2010-08-05T20:48:00.000-07:00

My friend, Roseanne ( yes...... the one in the dedication at the top of the page...... )

once said to me: "When you're stuck at writing, you should just write gibberish"...............

In case no one has noticed........... I do gibberish pretty good...... ( if I do say so myself )

Tonight's blog post is being brought to you courtesy of: "Gibbberish from Janine's World"..... or: "You can't make this sh%t up"..........

1. I have a cousin ( a beautiful, accomplished, strong, sensible, cousin....... I want this noted )

She found herself thrown back into the dating scene a few years ago....... and she thought over her options regarding available men carefully..... ( I'm assuming )

You have the bar scenario................ But as any self respecting woman who has seen "Looking for Mr. Goodbar" more than once ,would tell you........ This is not in your best interest........

You have the well meaning friends and their blind date fix ups...................... ( I don't care how wonderful your girlfriends are............if the guy is any good at all...... they keep them for themselves........... that's not a commentary on female friendships, it's simply a fact of life....so what are you getting?????? The Leftovers........)

Speaking of Leftovers........ ( and freaks and geeks of society )

This brings us to my pet peeve................ ONLINE DATING SERVICES...........

The places that take your money for the privilege of putting on your best dress, and making small talk with a perfect ( ly) ( Awful) stranger over a plate of pasta at Chuck E. cheese......

personally......... I'd rather stay home in my bathrobe, and eat Ben & Jerry's straight from the carton....... ( One spoon, no sharing)

But that's me.............

My cousin is also a warm, loving, individual who has passionate ideas, and thoughts to share.......... ( above and beyond Ben & Jerry's )

So she took her hard earned money over to match.com...........

( at least your friends don't CHARGE you for the pleasures of pit stains, dandruff, and body parts that belong in "Ripley's Believe It Or Not".................. )

And than she told me about it........

Honestly......... I tried for supportive..... but, Alas.... this is me............

So I only got as far as: "Are You FU$%ing NUTS"??!!

This is family..... I don't mince words..... I could have gone so far as:

"If you're looking to end up in a landfill, or at the back of someones freezer beside their Mother's Sunday Roast....... I can probably get this done for you......... FOR FREE"......

Think I'm being dramatic???? "Craig's List Killer", people..........

I digress......... ( again)

Among my cousins adventures with the computer's ideas of her "Perfect Match" we have my 2 favorites..........

"Creepy Foot Guy", And "Naked Lonely Guy "............... ( I know......... you wouldn't think that 'naked' and 'lonely' belong together, would you??? some people manage...... )

"Creepy Foot Guy" likes feet...

(Duh)

A lot.......

My cousin does NOT like feet....... A LOT.........

Not even her own.........

Are we seeing a problem here??????

( Too bad the computer didn't )

Talk of sucking on her toes, and "Tickle Torture" did nothing for her....

IE: GROSSED HER ( and me) OUT

still he persisted.......

He felt sure he could "Convert" her to "Tickle Torture"......

I've heard of converting to Judaism, but this one was beyond me.........

I was going to have to have this "Tickle Torture" explained to me......

( thanks to a fairly sheltered life courtesy of mom and dad, and marriage at 18, this happens to me quite frequently....... people usually have to revert to using pictures and graphs...... it's NEVER pretty.............)

I was told to imagine S&M and Bondage........

( I can't...... I kinda don't know that they are, either.... except for having a vague idea that they're, you know...... "Icky"...... and probably one of those things that would make me go blind as my mother always warned........)

I had to have pictures again....

My reaction was less than stellar..........

"Oh, come ON!!!!!!!!!! you're not SERIOUS...... That's a joke, right"?????????

Apparently, not........

Alrighty Than

Moving Along........

My support now moved in the direction of: "DUMP HIS FOOT LOVIN' ASS ".......

Let me help...........

I told her to advise him that I wear Aqua nail polish, and I haven't washed my feet since 1980....... if he still wants to see them after that....... he's welcome to what he gets.......

I also offered to introduce him to at least one of my feet..... on an intimate note..... when it becomes firmly lodged into the first orifice I can reach..... ( I'm short....... use your imaginations )

and if all this wasn't enough to persuade him to get his feet away from my cousin, I was not above traveling 400 miles to separate him from some of his other favorite body parts....... ( yeah..... I'm not talking about feet anymore )

Cousin: "I tried....... I told him to go away and leave me the eff alone.... only you know, I was polite about it"..............

( somehow I doubt that... this girl shares DNA, a similar smile, and coloring, with me )

She continued.......

"I think maybe he's a reject from society".......

Sweet, sweet, girl.............. This dude wants to SUCK on your TOES....... and you THINK he's a reject????????????

That is not meant as an insult to my beloved cousin, or her feet............

During a childhood spent running around barefoot together at various times..

I must confess......

I never once checked out her feet.....

But I'm sure they're lovely..........

really

* Disclaimer* My cousin is an extremely intelligent woman capable of choosing her own dates without any help from me............... ( though I like to believe I am good comic relief, if nothing else) being an intelligent woman, she always gets to know someone via e mail and phone conversations before she agrees to meet them in a public, well lighted, location......

"Creepy Foot Guy" never made it out of the gate, so to speak.......

Now we move along to "Naked Lonely Guy "........

The one who did make it out of the gate.........
( that thought could keep me up nights )

This is to say that he got past the screening process.........

My cousin was kind enough to grant him actual dates....

To share parts of her life with this individual........

Just long enough to discover that he liked to walk around naked........

uh HUH........

and may I add........ EWWWWWW

I don't care how much weight lifting, and or Jack Lalanne you've done in your lifetime.....

Middle aged and naked are not good combos...........

I own a middle aged body, I know these things........

Naturally, I had to make it worse by asking:

"Does he COOK naked?????? Never mind............... DON'T tell me".....

Cousin: "He thinks he can help me improve myself".........

Alrighty, righty, righty, roo.................

This dude runs around naked, with his body parts in easy accessibility..........

and she let him keep them all.......

Proving that she is also more compassionate than I........

Does she still use match.com??????????

I don't know..............

She doesn't tell me.........

I think it may have been something I said..............

2. I have another cousin............ ( I have a TON of cousins...... and no we are not going to discuss all of them....... at least not today) This one, like me, grew up as the oldest child........

This gave us some things in common...... both considered somewhat responsible, both bookworms, both quiet............. ( in the sea of a large, NOISY Irish family )

and both stumbled into motherhood at 18.............

She's a nurturer, she cares for everyone........

She was the PERFECT person to turn to when I found myself faced with the horrible task of choosing my mother's funeral home......... ( my mother is fine..... the woman will outlive us all... but Nursing Homes, in their infinite wisdom don't think people go through enough with the process of nursing home admission, they also like to remind you that someday your parent is going to die, and leave you to fend for yourself in the sandbox of life.......

Sooooo........ A funeral home must be chosen

And than you have to go and talk to them, sign papers, give them a check...... etc, etc, etc..........

I am 400 miles away...........

* AND I REALLY, REALLY, DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS*

My cousin understood ( God love her ) and off she went to take care of this for me....

My responsible, studious, used to be quiet cousin, called me up, GIGGLING..........

Now would probably be the time to mention... I come from a slightly twisted family.......

However....... she's sitting in a mortuary........ ( think: DEAD PEOPLE ) and she's giggling.......

This is above the cuff, even in my family............

so I'm thinking: "Houston, We have a problem".......

Unfortunately, you can't slap someone over the phone..........

I was going to have to talk her down...... slowly..........

"WHAT'S GOING ON"???????????

Cousin: "Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my GOD...... he's GORGEOUS!!!!!!!!!!! he's HOOOTTTTTTTT"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Again........ she's sitting in a room designed for dead people..... maybe it's just me, but NOTHING should be hot....... ( unless she wandered into the cremation room)

So I needed clarification........

"WHO'S Hot"????????

Cousin: "The Mortician................ he's BEAUTIFUL...... can I have him, please"??????????

okay, HELLO........... you're married............ and this is an individual who plays with embalming fluid all day.......... let's think about this, shall we???????

I pointed out the embalming fluid..........

She said: "Oh, I KNOW!!!!!!! we talked about it....... I told him dead people fascinate me"

( there's the best pick up line anyone has ever heard...... "Dead people fascinate me"...... )

I. GIVE. UP.

I decided to try a dose of reality..........

"What about, mom"?????

Cousin: "Who"???????

Yeah. that was comforting..........

3. Did anyone know that you could buy caskets online over at the wal mart, for 600 dollars???

During a random conversation with my daughter this morning she screamed..... "Adam Everett... if you even THINK of putting me in a 600 dollar walmart casket special, I WILL be back to haunt you"!!!!!!!!!!!

alrighty than............. casket shopping online, via the wal mart.............

I looked it up........

The NEW caskets start at 995 dollars............

I don't want to think about where they dug up the 600 dollar models.... ( no pun intended... I just fall into these things... I swear....... )

Heather continued: "Don't mind him.... he's cranky because he didn't reach the proper level of Shazam this morning"..........

My daughter is very frank in her conversations with me........ but she has learned that certain words will cause mommy to hemorrhage........ ( S E X being the main offender, she may be 4 months pregnant, I still like to pretend it was a bonus from the tooth fairy)

Still, I tortured us both with: "Oh my GOD, is Shazam what I think it is"????!!!!

Heather.... "Well, yeah, Mom".........

( DUH )

Me: "And what do you mean, he didn't get to the proper level????? There are different LEVELS"????????????

Yeah.......

I'm gonna need pictures, again............

"Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name",,,,,,,

2010-08-03T19:06:00.000-07:00

About a year ago I "Discovered" Facebook......

And by discovered I mean I fell over it......... EVERYWHERE.........

My friends and co workers had succumbed one by one............

Nobody wants to be the loner at the lunch table.........

It brings back memories of the missed parties, and dances because you were too short, too shy, and had committed the sin of both eyeglasses and an eye patch...

or the only girl in third grade forced into a training bra......

The shy kid grew up a joiner, go figure.....

So I signed up for facebook........

I was unimpressed with the virtual farms.....

virtual pigs, cows, and manure, do nothing for me..........

And I am convinced to this day that I was stuck in line at the bank for 30 minutes because the teller was busy harvesting her crops over at the 'Ville..........

Priorities.......

We've all got 'em...........

I was less impressed with "Happy Aquarium", where the reason the fish are so happy is because they are busy having virtual relations........

That's right...........

SEX............. ( or a reasonable facsimile of it, I guess..... )

it's been so long I'm not sure I'd even recognize a reasonable facsimile... so I take my friends words for it...........

The virtual fish are busy getting it on like Donkey Kong, while I, am busy keeping Energizer Batteries in business...........

I digress..........

I didn't get the facebook thing at first.......

till someone told me her mom found people she'd gone to school with in like 1952......

Seriously???????

You can do that?????????

And just like that I started remembering a sea of faces..............

We have hundreds of meetings, and goodbyes in our lives..............

Some relationships we are born into............

giggling cousins who shared the sleepovers, Popsicles, backyard pools, barbecues, wiffle ball, lazy summer afternoons, and long winter mornings spent sharing chalkboards, and jacks, under a Grandmother's watchful eye........

The Aunts ( my Aunts are wonderful, wonderful, strong women..... with a presence so powerful that they are "THE AUNTS")

The ones with the open arms, lipsticked kisses, warm hugs, and boisterous voices...........

The ones who cautioned us away from the pools deep end, and their seats, consecutively........

The beloved uncle who would take my sister and I into the circle of his arms, and onto the comfort of his knees.........

With his quieter voice, and simple greeting of: "Hello, Girls"...........

The one who presented us with heart shaped bracelets, engraved with our names, becoming my hero.....

The faces of my blood, my long time no see, but never forgotten, family.........

Those were faces I sort of fell away from after my marriage, a move 400 miles away, and that pesky little thing called domestic violence........

It was easier, less painful, to let go, rather than answer questions, and see my own pain reflected back at me from their eyes..........

It would be 20 something years before I would set eyes on some of them again, and who ever would have thought that a little thing like the computer, and the invention of a thing called facebook could lead to the family reunion of the century???

some relationships we sort of fall into......

The children who shared courtyard space, crowded hallways, pavements filled with hopscotch, and the sounds of Big wheels, and mothers calling out windows for errant offspring........

Faces from my childhood, my past....................

Two faces from that long ago courtyard came swimming to the surface of my consciousness......

The face of a downstairs neighbor, who's mother was once the safe place I turned to each time my mother had to take a ride in an ambulance............

And than the face of yet another redhead........

( Redheads ROCK )

An older girl, who fulfilled a "Big sister" void in me over the course of a summer or two.......

She ran behind me on a bike once upon a time.......... ( IE: Kept my backside from kissing the asphalt )

These were faces that shared my space on earth for a bit.............

Faces that I never would have dreamed I would ever see again once the moving van pulled away from that project.............

People who had left their impressions with me, and compelled me to take a different look at this thing called Facebook............

Facebook pulled it all together.......

Tearful reunions that occurred across crowded train stations, and sunny front yards.......

When I looked into the lovely faces of cousins, who hadn't changed a bit...... ( much ) :-)

When I walked back into the welcoming arms of older Aunts, and I realized..........

This is the strength I come from.......... The strength I always thought I earned............ I actually inherited........

And one incredulous reunion which occurred across a restaurant lobby when I jumped up to embrace the cool red haired girl who once kept my backside from kissing the asphalt.......

I'll be damned....

You CAN go home again...........

To the days of: "Remember When".....

And to the place where everybody knows your name.......

"Turn around, and you're tiny, turn around amd you're 4, turn around and you're a young wife going out of my door" (Chronicles of baby bean week 14).

2010-08-02T13:36:00.000-07:00

Dear baby bean.........

That's your mommy getting her first listen to your little heartbeat....... and you at 14 weeks, 2 days gestation.......

You're sucking your thumb, and the thing at the bottom of the picture is one of your little feet..... the feet that kicked your mommy senseless during the ultrasound......... ( I told her not to drink that mountain dew right before her appointment.... but you'll find out when you have your own children...... they don't listen to us parents.....)

There's been some debate over that little appendage,,,,,,,,, it does look suspiciously like what I call an "Uncle Bob".......

And I remain convinced that you are a grandson.. but I'll love you with everything I have, and everything I am, whether you are a boy or a girl, or a catfish........

It's been 4 days since I stood in that darkened room and watched you dance inside your beautiful mommy.........

She's loved you from the moment you became a positive sign on the pregnancy test...... ( all 5 of them)

she loved you when you were a gestational sac, and then a blip of rice on the ultrasound.........

she loved you when you were saltine crackers, and ginger ale......

I've never seen her look happier, or more beautiful than she did while she watched you twirl and thump inside her............

she watched you, and I watched her......

She's matured in the last 4 months.........

my beautiful little girl has finished her transformation into beautiful young woman.....

she doesn't need me in the ways she once did..... and that scares me..........

Now she needs me in ways she never did before.....

and that scares me more.........

she needs me to tell her that you will be born healthy, whole, and full term........

I can't...........

Motherhood doesn't come with spells or a magic book of answers....

Motherhood comes with more questions than she can ever hope to answer........

Motherhood comes with more fear and insecurity than seems fair...........

Motherhood comes with more love, strength, and hope, than seems possible............

Motherhood comes with vulnerability.............

Motherhood comes with the knowledge that you are no longer the most important person in your universe.....

Motherhood comes with the ability to cradle a newborn, wipe a toddlers tears, answer a husbands 10 questions, plan your newborns Christening over the phone, and prepare a cheap meal for three.........

all with nothing more than the 2 hands God gave you, and the patience that a 10 minute catnap has allowed you..........

Motherhood comes with the agility to rock a newborn with a foot, read a story to a toddler, and sor a basket of laundry........

Motherhood comes with the knowledge that the things you once thought you'd die without have no meaning at all, once you look into the trusting face of your child and realize....... you'd lay down and die gladly, just so they could always have the trust, innocence, and happiness of childhood........

Motherhood comes with the knowledge that you start out with the control to pick out their clothes, choose their meals, and hold their tiny hands as they cross their first big, scary, street.....

and before you know it, your older....... they're older...........

You've lost the illusion of control...........

they can pick out their own clothes, choose their own meals, cross their own streets..........

Make their own mistakes. and face their own heartbreak.......

Motherhood doesn't come with an expiration date, a guarantee, or a return policy........

Motherhood comes as is..............

you bring the rest............

"Keep the peanuts....... just hand me the parachute, and a drink".......

2010-07-15T20:41:00.000-07:00

We all have phobias, fears, weaknesses................

They are the things that have our mouths going dry, our palms going wet, and our stomachs dropping into the general vicinity of our kneecaps..........

Some phobias we are born into, and some we acquire with age......

BUT WE ALL HAVE THEM.

I am no exception............

Except I think I have MORE of them than your average Joe........

And if you didn't deduce this from my blog title alone, bless your little heart...........

Here's Your Sign..............

* I Embrace The Neurotic*

And I am afraid of the following, in no particular order...........

Anything creepy, crawly, slimy, icky, yucky, and not on my rung of the food chain.........

A general rule is if it crawls, or has more than 2 legs and is incapable of fetching my paper, and sitting obediently at my feet, DO NOT SHOW IT TO ME.....................

Bad things will happen..............

When my second born son was between 3 and 5 he had a serious fascination, a love even, for everything creepy, crawly, and icky............

He was all boy, this towheaded angel who could move like lightening........

tadpoles, snakes, his tired mother...............

All were no match against the sturdy sweetness of this boy........

The tadpoles and snakes succumbed under his chubby little hands, and tired mama melted under his sparkling eyes, dimpled cheeks, and long eyelashes...........

The day the tadpole went to tadpole heaven, and I actually had to pick the damn thing up, ( with a stick) because his father had the brains and nerve to be out on a fishing boat, I managed.........

Because I saw the trembling lip and tear streaked face of my precious baby..........

Because I had maternal instinct............

( and a stick)

The day I had 2 kids fighting, and a dirty little 4 year old I was desperately trying to get into a tub, so that I could have FIVE minutes of peace in which to pull out what remained of my hair.......

I didn't fare so well that day........

older kids: "I did NOT"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "You did, TOO............. MOOOOMMMMMMMMM"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

( Honestly????? I didn't care who had done what....... PEACE....... have I mentioned peace????? )

Chris: "Mommy............. me gots"................

Me: "Chris........ Gimme"................

I held out my hand...........

and turned my head to: ( scream at) reason with the 2 oldest products of my womb.....

UH HUH

I held out my hand......... And TURNED MY HEAD...........

on a four year old with a deep love for snakes...........

poetic justice aside..........

There was now crawling..............

on the PALM OF MY HAND..........

There was no maternal instinct.......

( and no stick )

There was screaming loud enough to deafen the dog next door.........

There was flinging of the offensive crawly thing.......... ( baby something of the snake family.....)

( at least the tadpole had the decency to be , you know, DEAD)

There was running to the rescue by his grandmother.......

( Mother in laws are GOOD sometimes)

There were the questions of the innocent.......

"What's wrong with mommy"?????

There were the answers of the experienced............

"Oh, Honey............ she just doesn't like those things........ "

( has a much nicer ring to it than: "Your mommy's a chickenshit, kiddo"......... don't ya think????? )

There were the answers of the about to be grounded 9 year old......

"She's afraid of SNAKES, DUMMY"...........

( Duh......)

There definitely wasn't peace.........

Roseanne put it best many, many, years later...............

I said something about Heather being a tomboy, and Roseanne said..........

"What would you know about raising a tomboy???? You're such a girl"......

Yes.

It's official..........

I AM A GIRL.

Shoot me........

moving along........

I am afraid of heights..............

I am afraid of escalators..........

Stairs by themselves are bad..........

put a little movement in them, and it's OUT OF THE QUESTION.......

Not happening.......... ( at least not in my world )

I am afraid of ferrets.............

( the snake loving child grew up to be a ferret loving man..... and was this a surprise????)

Heather: "Mama...... you got a grand baby"...................

Me: "Is it a boy or a girl"?????

Heather: "It's a ferret"!!!!!!!!!!

Me: A. FERRET????????? you mean like the ugly little rat looking thingy"????

Heather: "Oh, Mama...... I wouldn't call it that in front of Chris...... he'd be so hurt"..........

( Maternal instinct...... you are a BITCH........ I'm just saying....... )

Tonight I addressed my fears............ ( kinda)

Tonight I crossed an item off my "Bucket List"...........

Tonight I booked a seat on a flight from Philadelphia to Rhode Island........

"Positively Neurotic " is getting on a plane................ ( for the first time in her life )

A PLANE............

The kind that goes into the sky....................

Uh huh..........

luckily, I have a support system........

I have Roseanne.........

"Make sure you ask for a parachute"................

"A PARACHUTE?????? why the hell are they handing out parachutes"????!!!!!!

"In case the plane goes down"........

"Isn't that kind of pessimistic"????

"And what do you mean, Goes DOWN?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

( isn't the main point of the stupid things to STAY in the SKY where they belong until they're told to sprout those wheel things???? )

"Goes down, WHERE pray tell "??????

( I asked for it..... because, clearly......... I NEVER LEARN )

"Oh, you know...... usually water.............. in which case your seat comes apart........ and is a flotation device".............

( I carry my own flotation devices on my person....... they're called my boobs)

Note to Southwest Airlines: Keep your damn fall apart seats, and get me a drink.......... NOW

Roseanne continues................. "Or you could be hijacked, and end up in Iran....... I'll get you a Berka for your hair"...............

( I don't know what a Berka is, nor do I wish to know........ However.......... did we not get the memo that says I don't do HATS????? so Berka on the hair is OUT......... )

The supervisor jumped in at this point............

"She doesn't need a Berka......... she can shave her head"............

Roseanne: "Trust me....... she'll go down with the plane before she'll shave her head".......

She knows me so well, my "Chickie".............

Monday , July 26...............

5:45 pm......................

Philly, Pennsylvania...................

My "Friends" ( I use that term loosely ) and co workers are charging admission..........

So line up early for your ticket........

And keep your eyes on the sky.............

cause she's gonna be a bumpy ride.............

Oh

GOOD

LORD

TURBULENCE

Breaking The Silence......

2010-07-13T13:29:00.000-07:00

It's been 3 years today.................

3 years since that awful night I heard your heartbroken mommy say: "Mama.......... my babies are gone"..........

3 years since I climbed into a hospital bed, and rocked my grown daughter as she cried like she was 5 all over again..........

3 years since I looked into the solemn face of a grief counselor, as she called me "Grandma".....

And I realized what I had just lost............

AGAIN.

She explained pregnancy loss in her professional tone.............

I watched your mommy's hands as they clutched a remembrance box................

All she would would have left of you after the most difficult 19 weeks of her young life.......

The grief counselor didn't have to explain to me about the cruel tricks my daughter's body would play on her in the next few weeks............

the memories came flooding back, the way memories do............

unbidden, uninvited..........

The phantom kicks, and dreams of crying newborns........

A mother's mind can accept whatever it needs to accept.......

But it's another story to get her heart and body to let go of a child she's sheltered , and loved in her body for 6 months.........

I'd been there..........

I'd packed away baby clothes that would never be worn.........

and sobbed into a washcloth in the shower when my milk came in........

I mourned one baby boy, while I was trying to get applesauce and sliced banana into a 10 month old's unwilling mouth.........

I endured people's questions when I appeared back in public without my 6 month pregnant belly in front of me...........

I averted my eyes so fast around newborns, and other pregnant bellies, I'm surprised I didn't end up with whiplash..........

I tried to forgive my body for the treachery it had committed........

To live with the vacuum my body had become.....

To forgive myself for failing to do the basic job of protecting my child from harm......

I would never forgive the monster for the lightening quick thrust of his arm......

the one that caught me across the chest, and sent me over that chair........

I would stay, and I would continue to walk on eggshells, and live in fear of the next outburst......

Because I believed I deserved it.......

I believed that some flaw, some imperfection in me made him do those things......

I believed that I was unworthy and unlovable........

He wound cruelty, self doubt, and self hatred, so skillfully into the fabric of my everyday existence that it became a part of me.........

I carried it, the way I had carried my son..........

inside of me where no one else could see........

If I protected this man, this monster, with my silence, I also protected my way of life......

I protected my children and the only way of life any of us had ever known in the only ways I knew how.............

With my acquiescence's, my silence, and the obedience which would never be enough.....

it would be years in the future before I would realize, would understand, that it had never been my job to "Fix" him.........

That his happiness had never depended upon my actions........

It would be even more years before I would hold our grown daughter in my arms in a dark hospital room, and hear the words I dreaded...........

The words I'd expected.........

Possibly even the words I'd waited for............

"Mommy............. Tell me about baby Timmy"................

She needed to compare losses...........

She needed reassurance that her body's betrayal was a fluke, and wouldn't be repeated......

So once again I protected my child in the only ways I knew how..........

With my acquiescence, my obedience...........

My silence................

I found the strength to break my silence within the community.....

To work with other victims........

But within the structure of this fractured family........

I remained obedient, silent.............

and now your beautiful mommy is pregnant again......

with the next generation.............

I'm walking on eggshells again........

We're both afraid, both holding our breath......

Awaiting the result..........

I'm detouring down the baby aisle again......

letting my fingers graze over pink ruffles, and blue bow ties..........

When I realize that the greatest gift I can hope to give this child can never be found here among the bibs and onsies.............

This child's birth will signify renewal...........

Renewal of our hopes, and the dreams we carried in the fleeting furry of months before your losses.......

It will also signify the renewal of the cycle..........

And only I have the power to end it.............

By breaking the silence

This Grandma thing is a bitch.....

"I Will Remember You"......

2010-07-11T06:29:00.000-07:00

She reminded me last night of the many afternoons I spent snuggled up, with her on one side, and my small son on the other........

Reading "Harry Potter"...............

Doing the voices, as apparently, only I could..........

She transported me back in time with just 3 words:

"I miss that"...............

Rain on the roof, and the sound of my older children fighting to the death over a game of "Monopoly"..............

Strains of: "MOOOOOOMMMMM............ why did we have to have Heather"?????..........

Feeling the excited tug on my arm as she implored, "Turn the PAGE, Auntie Janine"...!!!!

She was seven when the bottom fell out of my world.........

There wasn't time to think of how to explain the words: "Domestic Violence", and "Divorce", to a seven year old.................

There wasn't time to say "Goodbye" to this child........

she wasn't a child of my body...........

or even a child of my blood...............

But she was a child of my heart and soul, all the same...........

I changed her diapers, burped her, watched as she took her first steps.....

I picked her cheerios out of my hair, and felt my heart soar the first time I heard my name come out of her mouth.........

If I had fears, had regrets about the heart breaking choices I was left with.......

Surely the biggest was that I would be forgotten in their young minds..........

They remained in my mind, they lived on in my heart.............

In the part I didn't dare visit too often, for fear that I would lose what remained of myself in the abyss............

I remembered how their damp from the bath heads, felt against my hand............

I carried her heart shaped face, and his, "I'm missing teeth, because I'm becoming a big boy". grin with me, into my "Tomorrow"............

If I allowed myself the luxury of the regrets for the past, they would have been this..........

That the sound of my voice in their world would be forgotten............

She was seven, he was six.................

Barely more than babies, the year it all exploded like an asteroid in space...........

Too young to understand the tug of war within my heart.........

The heart breaking risk I took..................

Weighing the choice.......

Going into the place of the future, of survival, and life.................

The place where the sound of my voice might be forgotten by these children......

or staying within my cage, my prison, my horror............

and risk having my voice silenced...............

Forever.

It's been 10 years since that place in time..............

She's grown into a lovely 17 year old..........

This first born niece...............

Not born into my blood, but born into my heart.......

She stood before me..........

impossibly grown up.............

I took her back into arms which had never forgotten her......

the feel of her hair against my cheek, the lyrical sound of: "Hi, Aunt
Janine... I've missed you", in my ear..............

The man known as the monster, my husband, my abuser, the father of my children, stood by and watched..........

As I gazed thirstily at the sight of them.........

side by side once again...........

The seven year old niece of my heart, and the six year old son of my body, my soul........

Now a seventeen and sixteen year old consecutively..........

The monster tried to take many things from me...............

But I had resilience, hope, and faith on my side.........

The knowledge that maybe they might temporarily forget the sound of my voice........

But the power of my love would remain with them..........

That someday I would gaze upon their beauty again......

To see that baby fat, tangled hair, tiny giggles, and missing teeth, had been replaced.......

By gangly arms and legs, chemically straightened, sun bleached hair, deeper voices, and thousands of dollars of orthodontia work............

I stood in the sun of my bright tomorrow..........

With these no longer children, once again in the circle of my arms.........

My heart once again soared as I heard them say.......

"I remember".................

He may think he walked away with a lot..........

but he didn't get that.......

and now this lovely 17 year old niece informs me..............

That space in time, the space where I was a frightened victim.....

a lost soul spinning in space..........

That time represents a time when she always felt safe.............

She's struggling now, dangling between childhood, and adulthood..........

And it turns out..............

That I represent the place in time where she always felt love......

ain't that a kick in the head????

next week we'll meet for lunch...............

what might we talk about??????

What else??????

"Harry Potter".........

"Don't know how I ever lived without you. Cause every time that I get around you, I see the best of me inside of your eyes....... you make me smile"..........

~ For Erin....... A first born niece, child of my heart...... ~

"I don't know nothing bout birthin' no babies"!!!!!!

2010-07-09T15:48:00.000-07:00

Heather and Adam have decided that "THEY" are going to have natural childbirth.......

( They are very much a "We" couple.... They are "We're pregnant", people....... please don't take this wrong.... I don't mean to downplay my son in laws involvement, and he's been beyond wonderful with Heather........ and the "We're" pregnant concept is......... cute. I just hope I get to be there when "THEY" try breastfeeding the first time

They are having a natural birth...........

Unmedicated.......

( ewww )

As my presence has been requested at the birth, I'm wondering.........

Since Heather won't be using the epidural.......

Do you think they'd give it to me??????

I am from the "Old School" of childbirth........

Epidurals were not encouraged....... ( Heather reminds me that I had babies in the days of the dinosaur...... so they probably hadn't been invented yet)

"Natural" childbirth was less choice, and more mandatory.........

I am convinced to this day that gas masks in the delivery room were abolished by a man..........

I don't do birth well..............

My husband and I were not a "WE" couple

I gave birth, and he sat in the stadium and kept score............

"Jay.......... JAY........... You have to see this one.......... it's a really big one"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

uh huh

"Come on, Jay........ the doctor says we have to do the breathing".........

Never being much for team sports, and not feeling particularly obedient, I replied:

"Than go have the baby with the damn doctor, and leave me the eff alone....... where are my clothes???? I'm going home".........

and than I may have called him an effing something or other, AND compared a couple of his favorite body parts to the "Munchkins" from the "Wizard Of Oz".........

but it's hazy......

I was having one of those ( mostly) unmedicated births.....

He tried ( bless him) to convince the nurse that I needed a spinal, the doctor, and an exorcist........

because: "You don't understand........ she doesn't talk like this........ there's something wrong".....

Nurse Cratchet was unmoved, as she assured him I was "Just" giving birth..... and than in a move she must have picked up at "Clara Barton's" finishing school for the compassionate nurses across America.... she mumbled.....

"If you think this is good, wait an hour".............

We got older, we got slightly better.........

He learned when he wasn't wanted.........

During the birth of baby number 3, I requested a pepsi.......

They sent a sweet faced student nurse in with ice chips......

ICE. CHIPS.

Not feeling shy I told the sweet child where she could put her ice chips.....

My husband piped up happily from the safety of his spot behind a newspaper.....

"Oh, yeah...... I meant to tell you........ you can't talk to her during a contraction"...........

that's basically me........ as the participant in unmedicated birth........

I tried it as a spectator a few years ago.....

A friend became pregnant and asked another friend and I to stand in as birth coaches........

she gave birth at around 4:45...............

AM.

Yeah.

my eyes were still shut, I was trying to grab a nap, she was screaming for drugs, and water, the other "Coach" was saying something like "There. there"....... and the doctor was announcing: "I think I feel a butt"....................

alrighty than..............

Now I'm awake against my will.........

and ticked off................. ( not a good combo )

I want to reach across my screaming friend, and grab this doctor by the first body part I find, and ask him which cereal box he found his degree in.......

but I see the look on his face....... and on the nurses faces..............

I know the baby has to be born...... fast.

His mother still wants drugs ....( they don't make enough for this situation) and water......... ( which some sadist decided was against the rules..... without checking with me)

So I did the only thing a good friend could do.........

I leaned down into her face and said:

"You can't have drugs....... it's too late....... You're going to look at me, and only at me, you're going to breathe, and you're going to have this baby........ RIGHT NOW!!!! and when it's all over you can take me into the parking lot, and beat the shit out of me..... but right now.... you're going to PUSH!!!!! Go, go, go"!!!!!!!!

and that's how her breech son came into the world..............

across his mother's cries, and my cheerleader shouts..............

It was both horrible, and beautiful.............

It was bloody.......

It was loud...........

It was like going 90 miles an hour over a mountain..........

It was everything scary and right about the world......... all at once............

It was life.

Unmedicated.

"To Whom It May Concern"....

2010-06-30T18:04:00.000-07:00

Dear 2 pounds that have crept back on, unwelcome, and uninvited........

Do NOT make the mistake of getting comfortable..... You're not staying........

Dear people next door...........

I've lived here for almost 10 years, and I'm here to tell you.......

The walls are thin.......

My hearing is keen, I have an active imagination, and I write a blog.......

YEAH.

Keep it in mind the next time the mood hits you........

Dear Heather..........

You can't divorce Adam for eating the last fudgesicle.... it's not nice.......

and while I have you on the line....... Why do all your hormone surges ( the ones where I become "Mommy" again) have to happen before 6 am???????

I'm not complaining, mind you...... I'm just saying....... I'm gonna be a grandmother in 6 and a half months... ( in case you haven't heard) and I'm pretty sure I need my sleep..........

Dear Old lady foot..............

YEAH.

I'm gonna be a grandmother.......

I am not whining........

I am not complaining......

I am not running for the xanax and coffee brandy at the thought of blue hair and support hose............

Because I am NOT THAT KIND OF GRANDMOTHER......

I embrace the thought of this new little person in my life..........

A chance to grow better and wiser.......

No where, not even in the fine print, was growing bunions mentioned.........

Kindly take your place in line behind bi focals, and get the hell off my island........

Dear Menopause............

AREN'T YOU DONE YET?????

"Temptation Eyes"........

2010-06-29T17:46:00.000-07:00

The scale is moving............

UP.

Two pounds ( so far) to be exact.....

The flirtation began innocently enough over a dinner buffet.......

You'd think a hair net would be about the least tempestuous thing on the planet.......

but add dimples, visible abs, and a woman who hasn't seen her erogenous zone since sometime around 1995..... and you have a disaster of "Katrina" sized proportions on your hands.............

and did I mention the meat???????

( the one on the end of his serving fork, that is)

"Would you like some, sunshine"???

ARE. YOU. FRICKIN. KIDDING. ME???!!!!!

( I'm seeing Eve's little dilemma with the apple in a whole new light, let me tell ya )

I replied: ( in what has to be the most clever come hither line in history)

"Uh huh".........

my head was numb, the rest of me was on fire, and that's how I ended up with rare prime rib, and chocolate cake on my plate, your honor.........

It was one of those out of body things, I swear..........

I thought I was playing it pretty cool, seeing as how I was sitting across a table from my bff, Roseanne, and her sweet elderly mother..........

When sweet, elderly, mama piped up: ( Loudly, mind you )

"Did she just climax over chocolate cake"???!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NO.

SHE. DID. NOT.

She climaxed 10 minutes ago over at the buffet table........

Weren't you paying attention???

Geesh.............

some people's parents.........

with the last strains of "Taps" playing mournfully over my diet, and the people next to us pole vaulting over their table in search of "Climax Cake", my cell phone rang.......

Heather........

Wanting to talk about baby names.......

if there's ever a time gigi doesn't want to think about her precious grandbaby, it's while she's got a mouth full of "Climax Cake", and she's about to leave her phone number scribbled in frosting, for the beautiful man/child behind the buffet table......

Heather: "Mama........ are you listening to me"?????

( no I'm not, my pregnant angel....... name the kid rutabaga, I do not care...... )

and that's pretty much how I fell, erogenous zone first, off the diet wagon......

"My Bolona Has A First Name".... (Chronicles Of Baby Bean.. week 9)

2010-06-26T20:51:00.001-07:00

Dear Baby Bean...............

Tonight your mommy sent me that pic...........

That bump is proof that you are growing, you are healthy................

You are real............

I cried for 10 minutes............... ( Yes, AGAIN )

You've arrived at week 9.........

You've gone from a gestational sac, to a grain of rice, all the way to a gummi bear...........

Your heart is not only beating, but mommy's doctor told her it's a "Very active" heartbeat..........

you've gone from slight morning sickness, to that beautiful, visible bulge......

( I may have shown about 103 people at work, and than e mailed a few more.... oh and your mother's pregnant belly is currently starring on my facebook status.....)

Can you imagine what I'll be like with the ultrasound pictures????

I'm going to be the crazy lady who is snapping a camera flash in your face every 2 seconds...............

I'm going to be the crazy lady who thinks you're perfect even when you're flushing car keys, your mommy's favorite earrings, and the cat, down the toilet........

I'm the crazy lady who will feed you ice cream for breakfast..........

and the one who will let you sit as close to the TV as you want..........

I'm the one who's going to read to you until I'm hoarse...........

I'm the one who's been in your mommy's shoes............

I'm the one who's made the mistakes, the one who stands here with her heart in her throat as she realizes...... you are a whole new generation........

It fills me full of awe..........

It fills me full of Joy............

It feels me full of terror...........

I'm the one who suggested the name "Bolona"....... ( it's in the baby book I bought for your mommy )

Your mommy was hormonal long before you hitched a ride in her uterus......

if you're a little girl I must warn you....... Hormonal runs in the family.......

Me: " Bolona Ba Ba Reed....... it's a name....... it has a certain ring to it"......

Your Mommy: "YEAH. So doesn't the sentence, Gigi dyes her hair".........

Okay........

So I deserved that one........

Dear Baby Bean...............

You are the belief in a better tomorrow..........

You are the future........

You are another spin on the merry go round...........

You are extra jimmies on the sundae.........

you are just one more push on the swing...........

you are the rush of adrenaline on a roller coaster........

you are a bittersweet repeat of Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny, The Tooth Fairy, and rainy Halloween Nights.........

You are Saturday Mornings spent pouring over comics, or waiting in line at Sears Portrait Studio, hoping to catch just a shadow of the perfect toothless grin........

You are Sunday Mornings once again covered in tiny, maple syrup sticky, hands........

The other night I stood at the deathbed of one my residents........

always a somber occasion.............

it became more somber as I looked at this fine woman's family, and I realized........

That someday, years in the future........ yours may be the last face I ever see.........

an awesome burden for a little tadpole who doesn't even have toenails yet.....

Dear Baby Bean...........

I'm your Gigi, Your Grandma............

And I can't wait to meet you............

"In the days of chocolate and the stay puft marshmallow man".....

2010-06-15T22:02:00.000-07:00

there are some things in life you plan for........

your wedding........

the birth of a baby.........

your retirement............

you never plan on being "morbidly obese".........

it's something that just sort of happened....

You've been walking around in this body for 40 odd years........

You've outgrown jeans............ ( and bus aisles, and restaurant booths )

You've gotten very good at averting your eyes on the scale, and turning off your ears to people's thoughtless comments..........

but when you catch sight of the words "Morbid Obesity" on a doctor's chart that's a little harder to ignore.........

because you know you're going to have to carry that chart over to the lab, and hand it to some 19 year old who weighs 98 pounds, has never given birth, and wouldn't know a stretch mark if it bit her on her perfect gluddeous maximus.....

You can account for every pound........

every pound has it's own story.............

30 plus pounds represent the remnants of 5 pregnancies.......

The tangible proof that you've brought new life into the world........

( the youngest "New Life" is now 16, is taller than you, and recently chastised you for interrupting him while he was busy trying to "bust a move" on some unsuspecting girl...... the baby you gave up your waistline for.... go have kids..... )

40 plus pounds represent fear..........

The tangible proof that you've gone 10 rounds with domestic violence, you kicked it's ass, and you came out on the other end, a survivor....... but not without the help of a lot of caring people ( and Ben& Jerry's......)

30 plus pounds represent grief.........

The tangible proof that you've suffered loss, and were still expected to get up and put one foot in front of the other, and you did........ but not without the help of oreos..........

It all added up to the sum total of "Janine"..........

Who I am, amd how I got here to "Morbid Obesity"..........

Food was my friend, my crutch, and was slowly becoming my killer.....

I had doctors advising me to lose weight "or else"..........

I had body parts removed for the cause...........

( I asked for a cheeseburger in the recovery room after having my gallbladder removed.....)

I had people asking me to move so I didn't take up so much room..........

I offered to carry someone's desert plate down the hall, and I was greeted with the words: "Oh, look...... she has 2 deserts..... she doesn't look like she needs 2 deserts, does she"???

It was clearly time to diet..................

or start carrying a gun................

"My Gestational Sac, My Baby, My Daughter"......

2010-06-08T18:12:00.000-07:00

23 plus years ago she slumbered in my womb........

She was no bigger than my thumbnail.........

Just yesterday she was a "Baby Bump".........

She was a flutter, and a stubborn thump...........

She was the place where my hands instinctively rested over her tiny, unborn, rump.....

she was an ache in my ribs...........

She was a convenient pillow for her big brother's head.....

She was her big brother's first lesson in "Sharing" first in my lap, which became smaller and smaller as each week of "Baby Bump" passed...... and later in my arms, as they miraculously grew to hold 2 babies........

She was a sudden aversion to italian subs...............

and a sudden craving for dunkin donuts.............

She was the start of varicose veins.............

she was more stretch marks...........

she was the miracle of a perfectly formed little foot rippling across my naval.......

she was the fright of worry over contractions at 5 months gestation.....

She was heartburn, and struggling for a more comfortable position, laying down, sitting down, or standing............

She was maternity clothes in my third month........

She was the dream of the future in our growing family.........

She was my second born.............

She came in like a lion in early March of 1987.......

With the third push she arrived..........

Purple, wrinkled, and screaming....................

she was the most beautiful thing I'd seen since her brother..........

I still remember, can still feel the weight of her across my chest, and in my arms......

She was bottles, diapers, sleepless nights, and a sweet, intoxicating, smell....

the silklike feel against the back of my hand.....

She began every sentence with "NO"..........

She was an infectious giggle as she'd run through the house after her bath......

She was her brother's shadow.........

his cohort in crime, in the game entitled: "Let's drive mommy up a tree ".......

She was the child who taught me that a baby cannot die from the hiccups.......

she was the pre teen who grew from tomboy among a sea of brothers, to young lady overnight.......

touch football, and tag, were replaced with lip gloss, mascara, and so much time in the bathroom I almost had to paper train her brothers..........

She's my only daughter, my Heather, my love............

She's one of the most vulnerable pieces of my heart.......

I carried her.......

I held her against my beating heart, the place where she once grew safely.....

I rocked her............

I sang to her..........

I read to her..............

I laughed with her over her first Birthday Cake.........

and cried with her on her Wedding Day.........

Last week my baby, my daughter, said: "Hi, Grandma"........

I hear the joy, the happiness, and the anticipation in her voice...........

And I'm petrified, as I realize.........

My baby is having a baby..............

We both realize the risks she's taking............

Neither one of us speaks of "Before"..........

Of 3 babies who came into her life, and were gone before they could even take a breath........

The place in my body where she once grew wants to expand with love, and with anticipation like I hear in my daughter's voice......

Heather is a definition in "Courage".......

I am more the "Cowardly Lion's" speed...............

Heather calmly announced after her first ultrasound:

"Well, Mama....... they didn't EXACTLY find the baby"...........

( Well what in the he$% DID they "Exactly" find then??? wasn't the baby sorta what they went in there LOOKING for???)

What I did say: "Oh"????? ( because luckily..... terror freezes my tongue solid )

Heather: "Yeah....... they found the gestational sac, though"........

Me: "Are you trying to tell me my grandchild is a gestational sac?? Welllll.... That'll be hard to shop for"...........

Heather: "Mama, you are SO funny"!!!!!!

Yeah.

If she only knew........

The "G" Word....... ( Chronicles of baby bean)

2010-05-29T21:35:00.000-07:00

Dear, Baby Bean...........

Today your mommy took her fourth pregnancy test........

she's wanted you for many months, and doesn't quite believe the dream of you has come true.......

I told her I think she just likes peeing on a stick.......

( you might as well know this right up front, baby bean...... this is how Grammie rolls........ find the funny)

I picked up the phone on Saturday and had my world rocked by the words:

"Adam says Hi, Grandma"..........

( I suspect your daddy is getting great pleasure out of the "G" word, already..... )

Before the tears had dried on my cheeks, I was already in love with the idea of you......

I can't wait to meet you........

I can't wait to rock you...........

I can't wait to see if you have your mommy's beautiful eyes, and smile.........

You're not even as big as a grain of rice, and yet.......

You're the promise of things to come.......

I don't know how well I'll do this "Grandma" thing........

that's code word for: I don't bake, I don't sew, I don't have blue hair... ( flaming maroon, I got...... but blue?? not so much.......) and when I get upset I cuss like a sailor...........

I didn't feel ready 3 years ago, when I found myself falling in love with the idea of THREE little people.........

I watched your mommy go through morning sickness, ultrasounds, labor, and the death of 3 children....... all before her 21st Birthday.............

She's always been the most defiant, stubborn, and willful, of my children......

Your beautiful mommy has shown me the true meaning of "Survivor", over and over again.......

as an infant, when I reached down into her bassinet to stroke her tiny, soft cheek, as I prayed just 2 silent words: "Please, God".......... my newborn daughter had been born with 2 heart defects............... she thrived............... I found my strength in her belly laugh...............

as a teenager, when I sat helplessly beside her in a peds ICU....... as I brushed the hair back from her silent, bruised face, held her hand, and found myself praying once again....... "Please, God".............

I found my strength in her second "First Steps", and in her grin, which lit up a hospital corridor.........

and again as a young woman, when she announced: "Mama........ it's triplets".....

( okay, that time I needed a xanax just to keep breathing)

I found my strength in her hands, as she lovingly packed away a "Rememberance" box in memory of her own daughter, and 2 sons......

and in her quiet voice, which was filled with determination, and hope, as she announced: "We'll try again.............. someday".........

and now after several months of false alarms, and 4 pregnancy tests in 3 days, we've arrived at "Someday"..................

Dear, Baby Bean....................

Tomorrow your mommy heads to the doctor..........

and once again I'm left with 2 silent words:

"Please, God"......................

and the hope that I'll find my strength in the sound of a healthy newborns lusty wail, and in the look on my daughter's face as she takes her newborn baby into her arms for the first time.........

My mama...... The purple people eater.....

2010-05-24T09:19:00.000-07:00

Here we are again, you and I..........

And isn't it great?????? The Writer's Block has come to an end!!!!!!

well........

Kinda

the last 2 posts were what you may call "Deep"..........

They were what you may call "Profound" .....

( actually, one nice lady did call them profound....... or at least she called ME profound )

for lack of a better word, let's use: "Depressing".......

( yeah..... I've re - read them and I did the cringe)

They were "The Crap"......

The stuff I try to keep to myself, and keep OFF the blog.......

( because I just KNOW you'd rather be reading about my boobs)

They were some composites of what makes up this thing called my life......

What's made me, ME........

( Scary, huh???)

Recently, I found the world shifting around underneath my feet......

I hate that.

I realize that it happens to us ALL from time to time, and it doesn't necessarily make me SPECIAL.......

But I do think that it must happen MORE to me than to anyone else.....

( cause I'm just like that )

it threw me into writer's block.......

and a tiny case of mid life crises............

My hair has gone through 3 different shades of red in the last few months......

My favorite being, the maroon........

( OKAY, purple..... ish )

To say my mother was not pleased, is an understatement.........

"Janine................ What have you done to your HAIR"??????

she's giving me the same look she gave me when I was 15, and wore too much mascara.... AND she's picking through my head like it's the last melon at the market.......

"I dyed it, mother".............

( you know... like I have for the past TEN years???)

"Well Dear, I can SEE that........ but what COLOR is that"??????

"RED, Mother"....................

"YES dear........ I know it's SUPPOSED to be red........ but I've never seen THAT color red before"!!!!!!!..

Mama J may have a touch 0f this thing called "Dementia"......

Mama J may have committed the unpardonable sin of growing old ( er )

( leaving me writhing and petrified that I'm..... you know, NEXT )

But Mama J gave birth to me.......

she knows EXACTLY what color my hair is SUPPOSED to be...........

and let's just say it ain't purple!!! ( ish )

I love you, Mama J............

nuff said

When did I get old enough for this?????

2010-05-23T10:33:00.000-07:00

I never thought about the day I would have to worry about my mother......

Of course being the oldest child of a brittle diabetic I was never completely given the luxury of being without worry............

But as the kid, once I'd done my job, keeping mom alive until the experts took over, I could go back to the kid thing...........

She was still the mom, still there to do all the things moms do, that kids of all ages take for granted, simply because they can.......

I grew up and became the mom, I did the mom things.........

I could have done without the natural child birth thing, the varicose vein thing, and the hemorrhoid thing???? who needs that at 19???????

Anyway, I did the mom thing........

with short people that I'd carried, given birth to, didn't always like or understand, but always loved with a fierceness that scared the sh&t out of me......

I fell in love with my first baby when I was 10 or 11..........

I loved carrying her.............

I loved playing with her............

She was better than my dolls................

She was always happy to see me........

I did not, however, love her poop............

I stayed strictly away from all things having to do with "THE POOP".....

That's what her mother was for, thank you very much.........

Than I grew up, and became the mom.............

I looked into the unfocused eyes of my newborn, and realized that when it's a child you.ve just ( kinda) ruined your Va Jay Jay for...... that "The Poop" is the least of your worries........

"THE POOP" is no big deal..........

if you get a boy, and you're anything like me, however.........

You may find yourself screaming on the third day........

"Oh COME ON......... you're kidding, right"???????

Take my word for it..............

He's not kidding..............

That's not just your precious baby boy............

That is a member of the male species......

The world is now his urinal........

it's every man and mom for himself..............

ANY open orifice will serve his need..........

so take it from a mom who learned the wet way............

keep your eyes open, your mouth shut, and duck like hell..........

where was I?????

I started off with mom, and ended up in the land of urine and Va Jay Jays.......

only in my world...........

As my mother's child I grew up in the shadow of Diabetes........

as I grew my roles and attitudes regarding my mother's disease changed.....

As a child there was fear..... fear that the disease may take her from me........

As a teenager there was resentment at the things the disease was taking from her...... from all of us.............

As a middle aged woman there was fear again, come full circle...........

Fear that this cruel disease would come for me................

I'd gone from the heights of: "What do I DO"???!!!! ( as a child )

All the way up to: "I gotta go, Mom's morphed into ET again" ( as an adult)
( keep that sense of humor...... it's essential .....)

I'd gone from the childish fear that my mommy could die......... to the adult reality that my own mother could potentially stab me with that insulin needle if I didn't mind my p's and q's.........

I'd grown all the way from: "Mommy....... please drink the juice"........

To: "Mother....... do you want the paramedics??????? cause I can totally call them"...........

Of course.........

I HAD grown in the interim...........

This meant leaving home.............

and moving 400 miles away..........

I was no longer in the shadows of this disease which held us hostage, I could sit back on the sidelines.........

I was busy doing the mom thing, after all.........

Than my Dad, who had become the expert in the interim, had the nerve to develop lung cancer when he was barely 72.............

HIS disease moved so swiftly, so cruelly through our lives, there was barely time to catch my breath, let alone understand that my daddy was going to die.......

This unstoppable force in my life.............

The man who had lucky strikes, and beer for breakfast, Decades before the surgeon general put out all those helpful warnings that these things were, you know, BAD for you.......

The man who could climb a tree, or scale a building like a cat.............

The man who would scream himself literally hoarse, threatening to kill a young man who'd gotten his baby girl "In Trouble"........

The same man would stand awkwardly by in a dressing room, as his teenage daughter tried on maternity dresses, instead of prom dresses........

He saw the reality of his grandchild in his own baby's growing waistline..........

His teenager saw the little girl she still was in her Daddy's eyes..........

she tried her hardest not to see the tears........

seems like a second between that space where he was the Dad, and the next space........

Where he became weak...........

Where he became old..........

Where he became dependent...........

Where he became the child.............

Becoming your parent's parent is a bitch.........

A. Bitch.

Worrying over your parent is not only mind numbingly AWFUL it goes against everything normal............

No adult child should ever have to look into a parent's frightened eyes, and see the child they've once again, become............

and as an added bonus I chose CNA as my profession.........

I care for other people's frightened parents, turned children again..........

I watch angry, devastated, adult children while they try to deal...........

I make the appropriate soothing noises........

I walk on quiet feet into a sick room...........

I take vital signs...............

I gently turn and bathe, and lightly touch a shoulder in comfort..........

I empty bedpans, urinals, and catheters............

I offer coffee, sandwiches, tissues, everything within my power to make the worst better..........

I wait as a grown daughter says a last goodbye to her Daddy........

So I can prepare this once proud man for his final journey..........

I offer to him the only thing I have left to offer...........

All the respect that his life has earned........

and all the while I say: "I understand".............

But I wish I didn't..............

and now, I watch my mother, my child................

This once proud, tenacious, woman..................

Whose tenacity flows through my own veins.............

I watch as she grows old...............

Grows dependent.................

I had to take from her the one thing she had left..........

Her independence...............

The doctors sat by, helpless in the face of her understandable rage........

My sister sat by in the only role she knew how to play..............

That of the baby sister..........

she could be comfortable in the knowledge that I sat at the head of the bus........ in charge..... the spot that fate, and birth order had determined for me........

As I raised my own tenacious chin, and told my mother what WE had decided was best for HER...............

I can withstand the bad days when she calls me an ungrateful little bitch........

Because I understand this thing called "Dementia"...... and I can always blame that, and not my own possible shortcomings........

and I know the good days will still roll around sometimes...........

The days where I become "Janine Marie" once again.......

Where I'm turned back into a 14 year old girl..........

I like it there..........

I'm comfortable there...........

I don't believe I'll ever be comfortable saying: "Because I said So"!!! to this belligerent, adult child, that Dementia has left in my mom's wake..........

On MY worst days it makes me want to run for my blankie and sippy cup.....

and than where would any us be??

"And in the beginning".......

2010-05-22T16:33:00.000-07:00

Dear 13 year old, Janine..........

He looks harmless, not at all like you would expect the boogeyman, the monster under the bed, to look.............

you had no way of knowing when that moving truck pulled out of a city project, that the biggest part of your childhood was ending...............

The part where you believed in happily ever after........

Your Dad is sitting behind the wheel, singing along to 70's FM......

Confident in the fact that he's doing all the right things.........

Moving his family to a house in the suburbs, to a "Better" life.......

Neither of you have any way of knowing that you're heading straight into the things your worst nightmares are made of............

Who would, who COULD have thought that a 15 year old boy on crutches would be the harbinger of future heartbreak, fear, loss of self, and emotional pain so severe that you swore you'd never make it through another day????

He looked harmless...............

The boy on crutches, staring at you from across a chain link fence........

dark, messy, hair..............

glasses...........

and a pocket protector, of all things.................

My "Prince" arrived on crutches..........

Pocket Protectors and glasses are more "Dilbert", than "Freddy Kruger", and your parents are right inside, where they can see you from the kitchen window..........

so surely this is safe...............

He tells you, you're beautiful...........

You want so badly to believe him.......

Even though when you look in the mirror, all you see is glasses, teeth that a retainer never could quite fix, traces of baby fat, and a set of mammary glands that were the envy of every flat chested 13 year old girl in the world, and were the bane of your existence............

3 days after your first face to face meeting with your destiny, he tells you he's going to marry you some day, and that he always gets what he wants..........

You don't believe him of course..............

you even laugh at the thought.............

You're 13..........

last month you were running after the ice cream truck.........

You were playing hopscotch..........

Your Barbie dolls are packed away............. but not so far away that you can't still look at them...........

Married???????????

Not you, never.............

and just to make your point, you throw up into the lap of the boy on crutches, on the afternoon of July 4, 1978............

vomit should have been a turn off.........

personally, vomit would have stopped me in my tracks faster than kryptonite brought superman to his knees.........

But this boy wasn't the brightest crayon in the box............

or maybe you weren't............

You should have believed him.............

You should have listened..............

In your defense.............

Your mother had counseled you on the dangers of strangers............

unwashed fruit.......

and leaving the house in dirty underwear in case you died in an accident......

She left out this harmless looking boy on crutches.........

the one who's smile never quite reached his dark eyes.........

a month later when he twists your arm, demanding a kiss, you're too frightened to object............

You've been frightened before of course.........

You've seen your mother loaded into an ambulance, you've seen her on the floor, half conscious, you;ve poured OJ down her throat, and you've been left alone to comfort your little sister, all the while wondering if this was the time mommy wouldn't come home...............

You've seen your beloved daddy on his knees..........

Being taken away by the police............

"Drunk and Disorderly" they called it...........

so it's not like you hadn't known fear, you recognized it for what it was....

That was "Before".........

This was the summer of "After"..........

When everything was supposed to be better.......

Everything you'd always known had been taken away........

Bunk beds were replaced by your own room........ after 7 years of sleeping above your sister............

the sound of the ice cream truck was replaced by the sound of lawn mowers, and crickets.........

The smell of your neighbors dinner was replaced by the smell of the chlorine in the backyard pool..........

you miss the sound of the ice cream truck more than you expected to.....

There was a certain comfort in knowing what your neighbors were having for dinner.... a comfort that could never be duplicated, in that summer between childhood and "Everything Else".....

perhaps it was defiance, more than fear, in this summer of change, , that kept you from telling your parents, or telling ANYONE how this harmless looking boy could frighten you........

Frighten you in ways you had never been frightened before........

I want to be angry with you, to blame you for it, ALL of it.......

not just for myself, but for the 5 children born out of the marriage that WOULD take place almost 5 and a half years to the day after a shy redhead met a harmless looking boy on crutches, across a backyard fence............

Michael Shawn............ The baby born to a teenage mother..... A sweet, sweet, boy....... who had the sweet taken away from him, by a man who had fathered him...

Heather........ An only daughter, the daughter with the courage and voice her mother would never have......

Christopher.............. Another boy made of pure sweetness, brought into a world of pure chaos..............

Timothy.............. The little boy who would never live to take a breath........ who's death hardened his mother in ways she never knew could be possible......

and Colt................ The baby who beat every odd just to be born........ the little miracle born on the last gasps of his parents marriage...........

Dear 18 year old , Janine...........

Who gets pregnant in the backseat of a 1980 dodge dart?????

Certainly not a nice catholic girl.............

Maybe you should have realized when your romeo had trouble with the bra hooks..... that condoms were going to be out of his realm of capabilities.......

( along with table manners, matching his own socks, and coloring inside of the lines )

Maybe you should have taken the hint when he would pick you up for a "Date" and leave you sitting in the car, like a lap dog, while he went in to visit his best friend for 45 minutes............

Was the lure of all that bra fumbling in the dark, WORTH the price of admission???

Did you NOT realize that the pinching, slapping, and hair pulling could only get worse after you promised to love, honor, and obey this man?????

I suppose I can't blame you.........

You were busy trying to hide morning sickness from your little catholic father,,,,,,

A man who'd put down the bottle, and picked up the bible........

You never really got past the first chapter of the bible...... ( it's still on your TBR pile to this day)

But you're pretty sure you heard something about premarital sex being a no no........

so you know, instinctively, that trying to get a baby past your parents, is going to be even harder than that german shepard puppy you just HAD to have when you were 14.......

You're the quiet one...................

You've spent your life as the quiet one......

The responsible one..........

how are you ever going to explain to your parents about a dodge dart, a dark starry night, and a homosapien who can't fight his way out of a condom wrapper????

Weighing what matters most..........

2010-05-08T10:57:00.000-07:00

That's me.......... Mzbehavin, AKA Janine, in the flesh.......

the one in the gown was taken in Oct, at Heather's wedding..........

and the one in the uniform was taken yesterday afternoon........

There have beeen some changes since October...........

43 pounds worth..........

going through the change, rapidly approaching 45, facing grandmotherhood, ( Heather ISN'T pregnant yet... but every month we wait......) the threat of pre diabetes, being unable to comfortably bend over, climb a set of stairs, or fit in a bus aisle, and the knowledge that I, and I alone, am now responsible for my mother's welfare , all had a greater effect on me than facing my ex and his family at a stunning 250 pounds........

Having fought weight, and hiding behind food to ease pain most of my life, I've heard it all along the way.........

"Fat people are jolly"..........

I have a news flash............

We're not...............

We're just better at pretending.........

"Fat people are lazy".............

Really???????????

you ever try putting 250 pounds on an elliptical machine in front of every Barbie Doll prototype in the world??????

at 250 pounds just getting into my sneakers was a workout.....

walking down the aisle at my sister's wedding in a dress by Betty Boop, with a body by "Weebles wobble but they don't fall down", was an experience I'd rather not think about....... luckily....... we have pictures...........

all the comments in the world couldn't get me to care more about myself, than about what I was putting in my mouth.........

removal of my gallbladder couldn't make me care......

the look on my daughter's face when she saw me climbing the stairs at her house, that got my attention....... ( a little )

elevated blood sugars got my attention..... ( a little)

I love pepsi as much as the next person...... but not enough to die for it.........

This is not the first time I've been on the weight loss merry go round..........

But I do hope it's my last time...............

so, I've decided to share my journey here, all of it, as it happens........

Some of it may be funny, some of it may not........

Hopefully all of it be forever.............

A random pure life moment...........

Today I had lunch with Roseanne, and another friend who'z recently gone through a radical mastectomy............

I suppose it sounds selfish to say that my friend's loss of her breast really hit ME in a personal way...........

( I KNOW........... not all about me)

I just didn't know what to say...........

They don't make: " Sorry about your boob", cards...........

( I looked)

or....... "I hear you have cancer......... that sucks"..........

As luck would have it, I surround myself with people much like me......

( IE: sick sense of humor...... and if that's not your cup of tea.... I understand........ but you'd better stop reading here )

so this lovely, if not slightly twisted lady asks, ( at a table in pizza hut)

"I wonder what they did with my nipple"..............

believe me........ if there is EVER an occasion when you don't want to think about your friends amputated nip..... it's while you've got a mouthful of pepperoni......

once the pepperoni was down, and the plate was pushed away....... ( misplaced nipples are a great diet device......)

I managed a "WHAT"????!!!!!!!!!

That was a mistake..............

this friend is a nurse, and in case you haven't noticed........ not shy......

so she continues.....

"They can use it for reconstruction...... they put it under yur armpit"........

I may have lost it............

"Don't you think you'd notice if you had a nipple under your armpit"???!!!!!

the men at the next table were now pushing their plates away........

Sorry, guys...... next time try Burger King...... you can have it your way there.......

my friend continues........

"Or they can take the nipple and".......

at this point my own girls had had enough............

They were literally quivering on my chestbone......

Threatening to JUMP from the table.........

I turned to Roseanne and said.....

"Please, please, please........ make her stop saying nipple".........

The real moral of the story???? cherish everything you have...... love it as though it may be gone tomorrow........

The positively neurotic moral of the story?????

it's 10 0' clock..........

Do you know where your nipples are????

"The dog ate my blog"...............

2010-04-20T22:24:00.000-07:00

Writer's block doesn't seem like a very good excuse for ignoring the world wide web, and the friends I've made here..........

Writer's block isn't even a very ORIGINAL excuse...........

If you look around everyone's got it..........

It just seems like I must have it WORSE than anybody else........

I check in from time to time............

And lately I've been horrified at the number of anonymous comments left by spammers.........

My blog has been taken over by all things spam.......

Dear, Anonymous...........( the one hocking Viagra and miracle penile implants)

I don't know how to break this to you.....

My mother always said the truth worked best.....

These are desperate times so I'll give it a shot........

Here goes nothing.......

I. AM. A. GIRL.

A. FEMALE.

A. CHICK.

Yes, you read it here first........

I am a card carrying member of the estrogen club..........

I could sprinkle Viagra all over my ice cream, and it would do NOTHING for me......... ( and I'm guessing rainbow sprinkles taste better)

as the anatomically correct, learn all about the birds and bees books my mother handed me when I was 12, explained......... I AM JUST NOT MADE LIKE THAT.....

sorry, dudes.......

and as far as your miracle penile thingys go........

I have just one question........

Where the hell were you when I was married????

you come sucking up now???

Too little, too late, bub...... ( And I mean this in the literal sense)

Dear, Anonymous...... ( the ones hocking breast augmentation )

Are you for frickin. REAL??????

You're kidding, right???????

If I "Augment" anything I'll never stand up again...........

clearly you haven't been reading.....

I wore a training bra in the womb.......

Kindly take your suggestions, and get off my blog.......

Dear, Anonymous....... ( the ones hocking every dating for the desperate web site ever invented )

I feel it only fair to warn you.......

I once answered the door for a blind date, wearing nothing but a towel.......

( I run habitually late, and the rest of the world suffers for it)

anyhowdy....... if a potential suitor doesn't care to wait until I change into something a little less comforable.... that's his loss........

YES...... this does happen to be the only attitude I have......

so as you can see..... you can't help me.......

Dear, Anonymous....... ( the ones hocking get rich schemes......)

When you start off by asking me for 100 dollars you're barking up the wrong tree......

If I HAD a 100 dollars to flush down the toilet I wouldn't need you, now...... would I?????

Think about it, Einstein..........

Dear, Anonymous...... ( the ones writing to me in another language)

I am not a prejudiced or ignorant person.......

but I am a bilingually challenged person.....

The closest I've come to learning a foreign language was when my 16 year old son taught me all the swear words in spanish.........

capiche????

In short, spammers of the universe......

I may in fact have one of the worst recorded cases of writer's block EVER ( admittedly brought on by a combination of "THE CHANGE" and a serious facebook addiction)

But I have had ENOUGH of you........

Take heed......

Big Sister is watching........

so go ahead, punks....... make my day...........

if I have to post my grocery lists, my semi anual visits in the confessional, my pap smear results, or haiku poetry ( which I don't know in the first place) to keep you OFF this blog.... I'm prepared to do that.......

just remember you asked for it.......

"I know something you don't know"...........

2010-02-28T11:38:00.000-08:00

I looked in the mirror this morning........

Usually something I either avoid entirely, or do in quick passing, looking for stray food or toothpaste spilled down the front of "The Twins"......

it's a "Big Busted" girl thing........... ( lest you judge... walk a mile in my bra cups......)

anyway........

Two seconds back into blogging, and I digress........

This morning's misadventure at the mirror had a purpose totally unrelated to my breasts.......

I was looking into my 44 year old face, covered in crows feet, and acne.........

Yes.......

ACNE................

I think that's a menopause thing...........

I go to wal mart and buy Clearisil, Metamucil, preparation H, and Birth Control Pills..... all in bulk.........

Yes, Virginia............

There is a God......

and he's using me as a test dummy.........

( I believe in God....... I just don't always like him)

You're digressing again, Janine.........

But I'm so good at it........

okay......

Back to my face................

Just yesterday it was the face of a petrified 18 year old, hiding the sounds of morning sickness behind a running shower...........

It was the face of a 20 year old mother after a sleepless night.............

It was the tear streaked face of a 33 year old woman, who had just watched her last baby board his first school bus............

And it was the petrified face of a newly divorced 35 year old, wondering what in the hell she was supposed to do with her life now...............

This mornings face was incredulous.............

Wondering......... ( crow's feet aside)

Can this REALLY be the face of a grandmother??????????????

I had to say it out loud a couple of times.........

You know......

Try it on for size............

"You're going to be a grandmother"............

My face glared back at me..............

"Are you having a hormone surge???? I'M TOO YOUNG"!!!!!!!!!!!! ( damnit)

I tried it slower.................

"YOU.

ARE.

GOING.

TO.

BE.

A.

GRANDMOTHER.

( whether you like it or not)

This was too much for poor Ebony, who'd been sitting semi patiently at my feet.........

she ran out of the room, throwing Asia a look that clearly said......

"She's in there talking to herself........... we're never getting breakfast"......

Yep.........

You heard it here first.............

and I'm only allowed to say it here.......

or in the privacy of the bathroom.............

Heather may be pregnant...............

emphasis on the MAY..........

if this is a false alarm it will be her third in as many months..........

After getting pregnant with triplets at age 20, Heather thought the "trying" to get pregnant would be the easy part.......

once her mind felt ready to chance it, she thought her body would just naturally follow suit...........

like her mama so many times before her, she's been wrong.........

We make a lot of assumptions in our family.......

So now we wait.......... again............

and worry............

and hope....................

Anything Heather wants, I automatically want for her.......

The mom part of me says: Be supportive............

The maybe Grammie part of me says: "Can't I just put it on facebook"????

Heather: MOTHER!!!!!!!! if you do that, I'm cutting your power cord".......

You think maybe that's HER hormones????????

The totally positively neurotic part of me says: "Heather........ I think I may be getting morning sickness".................

The totally her mother's daughter part of Heather replies:

"That's very generous of you, mama............ but this time around would you also take the leaky boobs"??????

The slightly selfish part of me declined........

After all...........

IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT ME.........

"Don't You Forget About Me"......

2010-01-01T10:15:00.000-08:00

What's new? you may ask.......

Where have you been??? is another popular question....

I went down to Massachusettts for my daughter's wedding, and discovered much to my horror, that my mother had gotten old........ very fast, and very, very, much......

She didn't recognize me at first, and I knew I could no longer hide behind the comfort that a 400 mile gap provides......

The hands that had once steadied me as I took my first steps, that caught me when I fell, wiped away the tears when I was hurt, and zipped me into my wedding dress.......

They were now hands that were no longer capable of drawing up her own insulin.........

Her eyes, which had been keen enough to see through the walls when I was misbehaving as a child.....

They were now eyes no longer sharp enough to recognize her grown daughter standing in front of her........

The mother I've always known is slipping slowly away.......

There are no words when the child must "Pay it back", and become the parent........

I spent Christmas Eve morning signing my mother into a nursing home........

I spent the days before Christmas fighting the CNA part of me against the daughter part of me........

My mother now looks to me for the answers.........

and there's no one left for me to look to for the answers.....

the follwing is some of the "Lighter" moments from our days before and just after Christmas.....

Mom on the nursing home experience:

"This place is full of decrepit people"!!!!!!!!

( She catches on quick........)

Mom when told they have Bingo:

"Whoop De FU@#ing Do"............. ( the nurse was trying not to laugh, and Cheryl was sliding down a wall screaming, "MOTHER"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! )

Kinda sorry I missed that one..........

Courtney replayed it for me later:

"Annie Neen.............. Gammie said one of the REALLY bad words"!!!!!!!!!!!

Gammie needs a time out, baby girl.......

overheard in the hallway:

"Put DOWN the Cookie"!!!!!!!!!!!!

( Cheryl was on the phone with mom, and mom said: "Hold on....... I wanna hear this"....)

Apparently, Two 85 year olds were ready to duel to the death over a tollhouse..............

You can't mess with my cookies NOW............ Can you imagine what it'll be like when I'm 85?????????

The Lawyer to Cheryl: ( on Mom)

"Delightful, woman...... just delightful......... the judge loved her, she melted".........

( I don't know what he's on........... But I want some)

Cheryl shooting me a look over his head:

"Okay..... who's he talking about"?????

Me: ( shooting her back my best stern big sister look)

"MOM............... say Thank You....... "

Cheryl:

"WHO'S , Mom"???????

some advice on going through security at a
Boston Court...................

Don't bring the big purse...............

cause when your pamprin, birth control pills, tampons, and the candy bar you were saving for later, end up on a conveyer belt for the world to gawk at......

it ain't pretty................

on going through the metal detector.................

I missed the memo on emptying one's pockets..........

Mr. Security Man: ( the second time I beeped)

"Do you have anything in your pockets"????

Me: ( the picture of innocence)

"Just Change".................

( This will go down in history..... right beside Suzie's Car.... which was going to revive itself, if we just sat there long enough..... :-) )

Cheryl: ( Taking me gently by the elbow)

"I'm sorry..... She's from Maine"...........

Me: "What did I do wrong"????

Cheryl: "just keep walking......... before we get arrested..... or shot"..........

Cheryl: "Do you think mom will ever adjust to the nursing home"????

Me: "Sure................... until a 90 year old Gent disrobes in front of her...... or pees in her trash can........."

Cheryl: "That's not funny, Janine Marie"........

Me: "Cheer up...... maybe we'll get a new Daddy out of the deal"....

Better to laugh, than to cry...............

okay, so quick notes....... I was appointed mom's temporary Guardian, and she's been moved into a 30 bed facility 7 minutes away from Cheryl.....

The mass health application is giving me hives.....

The 79 ATM cards and credit cards are keeping me up nights........ ( some of them are in Dad's name.....)

I said: ( Gently) "Mother............. did you cancel these"?????

she replied: "None of your Beeswax"...........

Alrighty than.......... that was helpful........

Mom: "Janine Marie ..... you bring me my Checkbook and ATM Cards.......... THIS INSTANT..... Do you hear me, young lady"??????

I don't know what to say to her........

I'm guessing that, "You can't have them" wouldn't go over real well......

Cheryl tried: "Mom....... Janine's in charge".........

and mom hasn't spoken to me since............

I went to court and fought for this..........

The wrong person is locked up against her will.....

Hope everyone had a great Christmas, and a Happy New Year!!!!!!

Janine
"That which does not kill me had
better run pretty damn fast"

"and they lived happily ever after".....

2009-11-06T08:58:00.000-08:00

Hi!!!!! Yes, the rumors are true..... I am back..... and ALMOST ready to start writing again.......... in the meantime......... Take a look at my gorgeous kids!

The Ceremony......

2009-11-05T06:43:00.000-08:00

Life altering slice of life

2009-10-06T08:21:00.000-07:00

first posted in June....

My second born, my only daughter, my Heather......

Heather has always been......

A whirlwind of stubbornness, strength, pure will, and impish good cheer..........

Heather entered the world on a crest of noise and enthusiasm.......

and she never stopped for 16 years......

She was an energetic bundle of constant noise and motion.............

until November 1, 2004...............

I'd had one of those horrifying, heart- stopping, before dawn, phone calls.......

I heard words like: "Head Injury", "Airlifted To The Hospital", "You need to come"...... and......

"We don't know"................

Don't know...............

There are some words you never want to hear when it's your child........

"Don't Know", is definitely in the top 3............

"Don't Know", began one of the longest journey's I ever experienced as a mother............

"Don't Know", became a mantra, a prayer, a scream........

"Don't Know", does not begin to prepare you for the sight of your beautiful child hooked up to machines........

"Don't Know" is cold comfort in a pediatric ICU......

But sometimes.......

Sometimes, "Don't Know" is all we have to hang onto to...........

While the rest of the world goes on around you......

and you're caught in the limbo of: "Don't know".....

You still manage to revel in the small things......

The smell of the apple shampoo, and the feel of the terrycloth towel, as the nurse and I washed my baby's hair on the third day.......

the feel of her silky, sweet hair, between my fingertips, as I brushed her hair out into a fan on the pillow......

My little "Sleeping Beauty"...........

and somewhere along the way.....

"Please", joins "Don't Know", in your prayers, and the cries at 2 Am, when no one else can see...............

"Please" joins endless talk, and rounds of song.........

"Please" , follows you around the corridors of the hospital, corridors that you hate...... but have somehow memorized.......

It follows you onto the elevators.........

Where you try not to make eye contact with all the happy people going upstairs to look at the new babies.....

It follows you into the cafeteria.........

and sits with you at the table.........

staring at a plateful of food that you won't eat..........

"Please", holds you prisoner with it's promise of hope......

you want to turn your back on "Please", the day you see the feeding tube come in.........

When you're brought to your knees, by a small piece of rubber.......

When the dam breaks, and you're not just crying.... you're screaming in a stranger's arms.......

You want to walk away from "Please"..........

forever...........

But you can't.......

Because "Please", is what you're stuck with.......

"Please" is the only thing keeping it all together......

keeping hope alive.....

not just for yourself, but more importantly for your daughter........

and so you get off your knees.......

and introduce "Please" to "Defiance".......

You're reminded of the first time your baby girl came home in tears.......

You thought you knew the meaning of "True Helplessness".........

As you wanted to go beat up someone else's 5 year old......

Turns out.......

You didn't know a thing.....

and now the bully was back....

only instead of taking the shape of a 5 year old, in desperate need of a lesson in sharing......

This bully had chosen the more formidable form of "Brain Injury".........

If you're watching a bad "Lifetime" movie, "Brain Injury" makes for a semi - entertaining couple of hours.......

It gets you away from the laundry and dishes you don't want to do, anyway.......

The heroine/hero suddenly sits up and asks for a cheeseburger...... you get the happy ending...... and you go back to the laundry........

In real life "Brain Injury" is a bitch.........

You want to grab her, and pull her hair out by the roots....

The slowness with which she moves makes you want to scream until you're hoarse.......

Makes you long for the days of the 3 year old, who insists upon putting on her own shoes......

even though you're 10 minutes late to the pediatrician's office........

and your one year old wants to be naked......

even though you've explained to him.... ( semi-patiently) no less than 5 times........

that if his sister ever manages to get the shoe anywhere near the general vicinity of her foot.....

that you'll be going OUTSIDE!!!! ( where it's 8 degrees..... and clothes aren't just a fashion suggestion.... they're a necessity......)

and you think that you know it all.....

watching your 3 year old with the shoe.......

THIS is as slow as time can possibly move.......

Think again......

you know NOTHING......

sit down with "Brain Injury" for awhile......

remember slammed doors, and all the times you forced her to eat her vegetables, even though she assured you it may kill her........

for that, you were willing to take your chances......

"Bargaining" is now holding your hand..........

Your new best friend..........

maybe your only friend..........

You remember the times she screamed: "I hate you"..... and you'd think to yourself.......

"I'm not that fond of you either right now, kiddo".......

You'd give up the rest of your life just to hear one more, "I hate You".............

You remember a scene in Wal Mart ( of all places)
just a couple of months before.....

When your precious 16 year old wasn't getting her own way......

I don't care what anyone says.......

There is nothing uglier than a 16 year old girl not getting her way......

and you question your views on birth control, as your little princess informs not only you, but everyone else standing around in "House wares", that she has gone and had her belly button pierced.......

and there's: "Nothing you can do about it....... so there".......

yeah......

The stretch marks, and morning sickness????

so totally NOT worth it in that moment........

But "Bargaining", forces your hand.........

and you find yourself promising your daughter that she can have anything she wants pierced.........

you'll take her yourself.......

you'll get something pierced yourself....

if she'll only open her eyes.........

Give you just one more chance to be the better mother you know you can be........

"Brain Injury" moves in stages...........

You're given glimpses of this thing called "Hope".....

Glimpses, as your daughter begins answering you....

she might have an entire conversation one day....

Here's the other thing about a 16 year old girl........

No coma in the world is strong enough to keep them away from their first love..... the phone.......

my Heather came back slowly.............

she re-learned her "Baby Steps"............

re-learned how to brush her teeth........

and comb her hair.......

all with her eyes shut..........

I learned that you find hero's in the most unexpected places......

In a nurses touch........

In a Doctor's grin.....

and in your 16 year old as she walks down the hallway...... with her eyes still shut............

Our children are entrusted to us, for just a short amount of time.......

and in that time.....

we're supposed to teach them something about the world........

I'm not sure of the things I taught Heather........

( besides Wal Mart is NOT a good place to break bad news to mommy...)

But I know she taught me patience in those weeks.......

she taught me that anything worth having.....

is worth fighting like hell for........

Was I too selfish for wanting to gaze into those bright blue eyes again???

Maybe........

But thanks to the weeks spent with: "Don't Know", "Please", "Defiance", "Brain Injury", "Bargaining", and "Hope"............

I felt a little entitled.........

and than "Miracle" walked in the door........

It came in on a rainy, cold, evening.......

as the nurse and I were sitting Heather up to transfer her to a chair........

I was talking to Heather, saying: "Heather, It's Mama.... we're going to sit you in the chair for your supper... You're GOING TO EAT YOUR SUPPER"!!!

I was being very forceful.... because I really wanted her to eat... so we could get rid of the feeding tube......

Ironically......

I wasn't thinking of her opening her eyes.......

and that's when "Miracle" took us in it's arms............

Heather opened her eyes.........

The air left the room, and something grabbed me between my stomach and heart.......

It may have been "Belief"..........

because as my daughter and I looked into each other's faces for the first time in weeks...........

we shared a moment more profound, stronger even,
than the one we'd shared on the evening of her birth...

Heather was being born to me again in that moment.....

and as she looked at me, recognition lighting up her face........

it was as if she'd only been having a nap......

as she simply said: "Hi, Mama"............

there was only one thing I could say around the tears....

"Hi, baby...... Welcome Back"............

Today, Heather is a healthy, happy, 22 year old......

who doesn't like naps......

To be continued.....

because, that, is what life is all about......

Janine
"That which does not kill me,
had better run pretty damn fast".
~Author Unknown~

"Death By Long Underwear"

2009-10-05T08:15:00.000-07:00

Hi....... Remember me??? I know I've been completely absent............ I'm sorry for the absence, and the repeat posts..... My mind has been busy trying to adjust to the idea that my little girl is becoming a wife....... and that in less than 4 weeks I've got to sit across a table from my ex, and his family....... This is supposed to be about Heather and Adam......... And as her mom, I'm trying my level best to keep it that way........ It's just another part of me wants to ask if we couldn't get a muzzle for him... And I just know, know.... that, me, him, what passes for his manhood, and forks and knives, all in the same room??? bad idea.......

Anyway.... I was given the lovely blog award by my friend http://mammydiaries.blogspot.com/

Thank you soooo much Mammy, I'll get to that tomorrow.... but I must share what you wrote about ME of all people with everyone else.... because... frankly.... I just loved it!

" PositivelyNeuroticMe:

FUNNY FUNNY FUNNY FUNNY!!!!!!!! And occasionally so heartbreaking I cry... Amazing woman, amazing blog. Need I say more?"

Did I mention I loved that???? on to the repeat post.......

I've spent the last 21 years of my life in Maine........

During this time I've waited patiently to become a "Mainer"..........

I have had to come to grips with the fact that this is not in the cards....

"Mainers" are basically hale, hearty, and stoic, by nature.....
( I think it's something in the water...)

I....... take to my bed over an ingrown nail............

and if there's gonna be blood in any way, shape, or form.......

I hope there's also gonna be five cute medics, and a defibrillator, standing by..........

I will never make the grade in the stoic department

I love Maine for some of the people, and experiences it's brought me..........

I was born and brought up in the city..........

A child of a city project........

So how did "Caroline In The City", end up as an extra in "Rebecca Of Sunnybrook Farm," ( learns how to walk in snowshoes) "????????????

I got married...........................

( we all have to have one really huge mistake in our lives to learn and grow from.... and he was mine.......)

he brought me to Maine.........

And while there are many things I have grown to love about my adopted state, I have also discovered there are many things that are just not gonna float.........

I am never gonna hug a tractor, understand the whole "Dooryard" thing, or jump for joy at the sight of a bowl of fiddleheads................ ( anything that you have to go pick yourself, in hip waders, should NOT be considered a delicacy.............)

I'm here to tell you that "Bambi" and "Bullwinkle" belong on the TV screen...... not on the other end of my fork................. ( and this particular "Flatlander" DOES know the difference between "Where's The Beef"???? and "Run, Bambi, RUN"...........)

Snow has never been a religious experience for me..................

I have never broken into song and dance at the sight of the first snowflake of the season........

I reserve that occasion for "Borders" or the last pint of "Ben& Jerry's" at the market........

I don't know how to walk on concrete........

When you put ice under my feet, bad things happen.............

I don't do "Hat Hair"...........

consequently, my ears are gonna fall off one of these days............

I've never embraced the thought of long underwear........

First............

I can barely fight and squeeze this body into SHORT underwear..... and we're not even gonna discuss pantyhose..... Except to say that it IS possible to get stuck inside a pair........... and while firemen are perfectly willing to go after your kitten in a tree, something tells me they draw a line when it involves buttocks, and nylon..... and who can blame them really??????

Long underwear is bulky, itchy, and let's face it folks...... A fashion statement it ain't..........

and if I got stuck in a pair......... That would probably be fatal................

My mother would never get over it.........

Underwear is a pretty big deal to her..........

I just don't think she'd ever recover from : Cause of Death....... Tight Underwear..............

yep........

I definitely think I have to accept the fact that underneath it all...... I am a "Flatlander" through and through..... You can take the girl from "Away" away from "Away".............

But you can never take the "Away" away from the girl.........

So here I am..... an enigma in my adopted state.........

left here sort of by an accident of fate.......

and they haven't figured out what to do with me yet.......
( I'm pretty sure I'm too big to throw back........)

I'm off to call for my mother ship.......

"Me And My Teddy Bear"........

2009-10-03T08:37:00.001-07:00

This is a repeat post......... The one I did for my Dad....... My Dad was always so proud of my writing...... I love you, Dad.........

My father passed away on October 3, 2006, after a 4 month battle with lung cancer.....

4 months wasn't long enough to process the fact that not only can fathers get sick, they can do the unthinkable........

They can die..........

4 months wasn't long enough to adjust to the sight of the helpless "Little Boy" complete with oxygen, that my once strong father turned into.........

4 months wasn't long enough for me to explain the words: "Terminal" and "Palliative Care", to my devastated mother...........

4 months wasn't long enough to understand that when you take the words "Cure" and "Hope" away from doctors..... They become simply people........ They no longer have the answers......... They look just as helpless as all the other faces around you.........

4 months just wasn't long enough.........

It wasn't long enough for me to explain to my desperately sick father, that I finally "Got It"..........

That I saw parental love comes out in all shapes, and forms.......

It doesn't always show itself in the ways a child can appreciate.....

Children see their parents as parents.........

period.

We don't see the person before.......

The little boy, with the blue sweater, and brown shorts, who accidentally set himself on fire when he was 5 or 6.........

The little boy who was growing up in the midst of a large, noisy, Irish, family.....

The little boy some might refer to as a "Handful".......

The little boy who's Irish mother referred to as: "A Hell raiser"......

The little boy who would spend the next few months fighting for life in a burn unit......

The little boy who would lose his beloved father at age 10..........

A father who understood the boy wasn't a "Hell raiser". but simply a boy looking for his place........ in the only way he knew how..........

The little boy would turn into a young man..........

A young man who would never earn a high school diploma, choosing instead to work with his hands, and his back..........

A necessity not necessarily of his own choosing........

but born out of his large family's need........

A young man who loved stick ball, The Boston Red Sox, and "The Drink"..... a little too much......

Turn to the drink, for entertainment, for comfort.....

It's what young men did in South Boston, on warm summer evenings, with the breeze smelling of car exhaust, starchy linen, and sweat...........

and on long, cold, winter afternoons, when the breeze smelled like snow, and boredom.......

The young man would eventually marry.......

Marriage to a young woman with a horrible disease called diabetes, would not calm his wild ways........ ( at first)

The young man was a hard worker.......

Even on those too early mornings, after exiting the bar stools at 2 AM.....

The young man would appear, Clean shaven, to work on the bushes, and in the trees......

He worked for the city..........

He was what was called a "Laborer"......

Even on the day his wife entered the hospital to have their first child, a child the doctors had told them may never be possible........

The young man appeared at work, across town........

This was in the days before lamaze, birthing rooms, and daddies wearing cups, and sliding down the wall in a faint, as their wives delivered their children beside them........

The young man knew he'd be no good at pacing in a waiting room..........

so, he went to work, and took his anxiety out on the trees.......

till the call came..........

and he raced through the hot summer streets, and subways, on a June afternoon......

To arrive at the hospital, and take his newborn daughter into strong, sweaty arms.....

The first girl born in his family in 30 years.....

I'm told his pride, and his joy, rolled off him in waves........

A palpable presence........

The young man had become a dad on that June afternoon........

My Dad...........

I'd like to say he was always perfect at it..........

He wasn't...........

The love was evident on his face in the home movie of his baby girl's christening......

as the young man gently ran a finger across his newborn baby's brow........

The love was evident in his voice, as he gently knelt at his young daughter's bedside... singing chorus after chorus of: "Me and My Teddy Bear".........

The love was less evident in the screaming weeks before his young daughter's wedding........

The love was coming out in screams, helplessness, and pleading..........

As the now middle aged man, and defiant teenage daughter went head to head.......

The teenager so sure she was right, and the middle aged man facing the heartbreak of watching his firstborn make her own mistakes.........

The middle aged man would rally..... ( as all parents must do, in the end..)

To walk his daughter down the aisle, and give her away..........

To a man that would abuse her.......

A man that would batter her mind, soul, and body.........

as the middle aged man stood by, helpless to end his child's suffering.........

until a phone call from 400 miles away..........

A phone call that began his child's journey back to a world, full of healing, hope, redemption, laughter, joy, and beauty........

The middle aged man had become an "Older Man" during the years in between.....

and the defiant teenage girl had grown from cocky teenager, to sad young woman, living in a shell......

The cruel hands of an abuser can strip away self-confidence, quicker than 80 year old farm hands can strip the skin off an ear of corn.........

The sad young woman turned slowly into a middle aged woman......

A middle aged woman who had laughter, strength, and life returned to her eyes.....

A middle aged woman who never passed up an opportunity to give thanks......

To those advocates who worked so diligently for her, and beside her.........

To friends who supported and loved her, when she was incapable of loving herself.....

But did she ever stop to thank this now older man, her Dad........???

I'd like to say yes.............

But isn't that what parents are for????

to fix things????

The middle aged woman, and the older man could still go head to head.......

The older man now referred to his oldest as: "My Daughter The Feminist".....

with both awe, and a little horror........

The middle aged woman's love was evident........

in her hands, as she tied the back of her father's hospital gown, waiting for the doctor, and news no one ever wants to hear.......

in her eyes, as she watched a surgeons face, while he struggled with words like "Mass" and "Biopsy".............

in her voice, as she knelt gently down beside her father's chair......

to convince her father that he needed to go back to the hospital.......

as her once strong father gazed at her with the eyes of a scared child......

In her heart, as it broke at the unfairness of a situation beyond all control....

and in her heart again, in the years following.....

As the middle aged woman learned all about parental love, and the shapes and sizes it comes in............

The lengths parents will go to in order to attempt to right the wrongs, and make the bad better for their children.........

in the end, parents are far more than parents..........

They're people........

In Loving Memory Of Patrick Thomas Canty

March 24, 1934- October 3, 2006...

"Me and my teddy bear, we got no worries, we got no cares......
me and my teddy bear, we just play and play all day......
Me and my teddy bear..... he's got one eye, and got no hair....
but me and my teddy bear, we got no worries, we got no cares.....
we just play and play all day".........

Dear, Someone........

2009-09-03T22:40:00.000-07:00

Dear Heather.................

You were one of the angriest babies ever born.......

You started screaming as soon as the doctor delivered your head..... The rest of you was still, quite literally, inside of me...... and you were screaming....... I was laughing....... all the way through my next contraction....... The wave that brought your unwilling little body into the world............

You asked me once why I went through pregnancy 5 times...............

if it was "Worth it"..........

My reasons were purely selfish..............

For those nine months you belonged to me, and me alone......

My body could not only sustain you.........

it could nourish and protect you from all harm.............

I didn't have to share you with Grandparents, friends, teachers, or even your father......

I knew where you were at all times.......

I never had to remind you to take a sweater, or beg you to eat a vegetable......

You didn't know what it was to cry.........

You had perfect, unblemished skin, Skin that had not yet been touched by sunburn, cuts, bruises, or pimples..........

a belly button that was without a piercing..........

Dear, Heather........

You're getting married in less than 2 months.........

I still see the baby with the toothless grin..........

I still see a little face full of innocence.........

Gazing at me like I had all the answers.......

I want to be filled with words of wisdom for you, my precious child, my only daughter......

I want to grab Adam by the collar, and say: "Do you understand what I'm entrusting you with"????

I want to watch, as your proud, defiant, resilient, little soul, learns the complicated steps to a grown up dance called "Marriage".......

I want to see the look on your face, when a nurse puts your child into arms that have been waiting nine months for that moment........

And at the same time, my darling girl............

I want to pull you back..................

pull you against my body...........

back to the place where you always safe..........

Where heartbreak, tragedy, and an imperfect world couldn't touch your perfection.......

In 57 days I'll stand by and watch as you join your life, with Adam's.......

I'll stand in the same room that I stood in as an impossibly young bride.......

The ghost of my youth resides in that room........

The ghost of my zest, my passion, my ideals........

A spirit as yet, unbroken..........

The ghost of that young Bride, that young soul...............

She's completely happy for you.........

The older self, with the Mother's soul.......

She's the one who wants to start a picket line, instead of a receiving line....

She wants all the answers........

She wants what she can never have.......

She wants you to understand that love is a wonderful thing between two people.......

True love builds you up................

Love encourages your dreams and goals...........

Love allows you to grow....... not just as a couple..... but as an individual......

Love is the place where you are once again, safe..........

Those are the experiences I didn't have..........

Those are the experiences I wish for you........

"God, Grant Me The Serenity"......... The 12 steps of the internet

2009-09-03T05:31:00.000-07:00

Taken from an e mail 5. 14. 09..... ( my friends don't get pretty friendship roses, or little angels in their inboxes.... they get this kind of stuff...)

about forwards.......

I got one the other day that promised...... PROMISED, mind you.... that if I forwarded it on...... IMMEDIATELY..... that something magical would happen on my screen.....

So I did...........

Yes... You're reading correctly.....

and no...... I don't need a deprogrammer...........

I was bored......... or maybe it's the menopause thing taking over what was left of my brain cells.......

or maybe it's the stress of having two kids getting married in the next 5 months.........

but, anyway...... I sat here and waited for my magic...........

with my arms crossed....

saying: "Okay.... let's see it.......... what ya got..........?????

I used to take that stance when my husband would get naked....... You don't suppose that contributed to the divorce.... Do you????

and I got..... Nothing........

ironically..... that's also how the husband getting naked thing, always worked out, too..... nothing...

Anyway, again........

after I was sadly let down by the magic of the forward........

I wanted to send something to everyone in my address book, Saying:

"Listen to me, PEOPLE...........

THESE. DO. NOT. WORK.

You can obey them.... and do as they say......

You can pray over them..........

You can speak in tongues.......

beg, plead, and cry.........

You can sacrifice a child to them...

( I recommend a teenager....)

You can build them idols, do the magic forward dance around your computer, ( backwards... and without shoes......) cut off all your hair, and keep your fingers and toes crossed 24 hours a day...... ( Which... I must tell you.... will cut off circulation... and you need your fingers to continue passing on these vital forwards.... unless you're planning on using your nose.......

Regardless.........

FORWARDS DO NOT WORK, PEOPLE......

So......

I beseech you.............

as your friend.........

( and no.... I've never once passed on the totem friendship pole, sent you a cyber rose, or worshipped a friendship fairy in the name of our friendship........)

I'm more like your intervention friend..........

your: "Let's kick the fairy's ass"...... friend.........

as such..... I beg you......

if you're sitting home......

waiting for Bill Gates to send you all his money....

because.... after all..... an email told you so.......

Go get help.............

or better yet.......

go spend some quality time with Snopes........

I didn't send that, obviously.........

Maybe I'm just bitter.....

I am, after all.......

still sitting here.........

magic less, and let down...........

maybe I should try cutting off all my hair???

"Goodnight Stars, Goodnight Air, Goodnight Noises, Everywhere"...

2009-08-27T20:50:00.000-07:00

( new readers, and people not in my "Real" life........ The following is the conclusion to my daughter's unexpected pregnancy with triplets. A journey which ended on July 13, and July 14, 2007...... I write from a Grandmother's point of view...... with a Grandmother's heart........ Which was filled with three times the anticipation, Three times the worry, Three times the joy, and Three times the grief...... This has really been Heather's story, I've just been given the privilege of being the vehicle to bring it to you... Thanks for reading...... and if you are new, and want the full back story, it can be found not too far back in the archives in the posts Entitled "Have You People Never Heard Of Cable Tv"??? ( Two parts)

being pregnant at 20 with a set of "Naturally" conceived triplets meant a lot of things for my sweet girl.........

It meant the end of cappuccino......

It meant the beginning of open mouthed gawking.......

It meant the beginning of poking, prodding, and questioning......

If you were an acquaintance, and you were to ask Heather: "TRIPLETS????!!!!! How did THAT happen???!!!!!

Heather had no polite answers ready......... She'd tell you like it was....

"Well, you see...... When a man and a woman love each other very much".....

That's my girl........

If you were a co worker and you asked Heather:

"Can I feel it"???

She was brutally honest..... ( and a tad hormonal)

as she'd reply...

"Can I feel YOURS"?????

Pregnancy meant the official end to her childhood.........

A last look back at jump ropes, jacks, hair ribbons, Monkey Bars, and stealing third base.........

A hesitant hello to Maternity jeans, nursing bras, and preparation H.........

It meant facing choices her young mind couldn't possibly comprehend.......

The words: " Selective Reduction" may be medically correct.........

They make perfect medical sense......

to doctors who want to discuss risk factors........

and petrified Grammies to be.............

Who've spent WAAAYYYY too much time at the library, and over at google...........

A grammie who was kept awake at night with visions of premature birth, brain bleeds, digestive problems, underdeveloped lungs, Cerebral Palsy, blindness, mental retardation, and my personal favorite..... Maternal Death.......

But not so much for a 20 year old..........

Who's been gazing at ultrasound images with a mother's eyes, a mother's heart, and a mother's soul.........

A 20 year old who wanted to know what gave anyone the right to advise her what to do with her body, and with the fate of her children.......

A 20 year old who left no room for argument when she said that God and Nature had decided on triplets, and had allowed her to carry them almost 4 months.... and it would be in God and Nature's hands....... not in the Doctors, not in mine, and not even hers...........

If it was meant to be, it would be.............

I've never been prouder of her...........

We continued to have our moments, Heather and I, as her pregnancy continued for just 5 more weeks...........

Heather: "Mama....... How could you stand to go through this FIVE times"?????

Me: "Easily........... I was never an overachiever..... I had my babies ONE TO A TIME".............

Heather: " I cried this morning when Adam was leaving"...........

Me: "Baby..... You've got it all wrong..... I used to cry when it was time for your father to come home"...................

The last ultrasound of the babies.........

Heather: ( Horrified) "Mama, they're almost positive baby A is a girl.... and she's a future porn star"!!!!!!

Me: "HEATHER MARY MICHELLE"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Heather: "Well, Mama, she rolled over, whipped her legs open, and showed everybody her business"!!!!!

Me: "At least we know she's not shy".............

Being an expectant Grandmother meant a lot of things to me.......

It meant revising my ideals of "Youth".........

It meant daydreams of diaper clad bottoms, heads damp from the bath, snuggles over "Goodnight Moon"..........

It meant another ride on the merry go round.......

Popsicle coated kisses.............

Tiny pockets filled with treasures of rocks, dead beetles, and bottle caps........

lost mittens, cookies, Santa Claus, and The Tooth Fairy.........

Toothless Grins, belly laughs, and tears glistening on impossibly long lashes.......

First steps, bad dreams, and a final glimpse of my childhood self...... Growing up in someone Else's skin...........

Being older, wiser, and Please God, this time.... having all the answers..........

I would have let them stay up as late as they wanted.............

I would have let them have ice cream for breakfast...........

I would have pushed them on the swings until well after dark.......

I wasn't ready to be a grandmother.............

They never would have known their grammie to have anything but red hair..... ever....... ( unless Clairol goes out of business )

There have never been children more anticipated, than those children, Heather's Children.........

I would have loved and protected those children with every fiber of my being.....

I never got the chance........

On July 13, 2007, only 19 weeks into her pregnancy Heather went into labor........

She delivered a stillborn Girl, and a Boy, and remained in labor all night with her second son..... a little boy who hung on, with a stubborn heartbeat, until shortly after dawn on July 14th......

I traveled 400 miles to climb into bed beside my 20 year old......

To rock her in my arms, as I had when she was a baby, and a toddler........

as she buried a woman's face into my chest.........

and cried "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy".........

I couldn't make this pain better with a band aid.......

I couldn't chase the monster from underneath the bed this time..........

I could only cry with her..........

Heather and I have grown in many ways as Mother and Daughter.......

We've grown up........

We've grown apart.........

and that day.......

We grew together.........

In loving memory of The Reed Triplets.......

A minute on the earth, forever in our hearts...........

"I caught an enlarged prostate.... over at Google".....

2009-08-25T08:17:00.000-07:00

A little technology in the wrong ( to say nothing of neurotic)
hands is a dangerous thing......

I am that special breed of people..........

The Google hypochondriac......... ( I already had the hypochondriac tendency thanks to a neurotically powered gene pool)

Why go to the doctor ( who always wants to discuss my weight) for a simple scratchy throat, when I can hop on over to google.....

Google is free.........

Google has no waiting room....... ( with magazines dating back to 1989)

Google doesn't make me get naked........

I don't have to shave my legs ( which I don't do in the first place, ever since the day I introduced the razor to a varicose vein, and had the pleasure of almost bleeding to death in the shower)

I don't even have to get out of my PJ's, or brush my hair......

What's not to love???

in 2 little clicks I can discover that my scratchy throat is a result of some weird form of leprosy, and my uvula is about to rot off.......

OR.........

THROAT WARTS..................

Are they SERIOUS????????????

I've spent my entire life petrified of the toilet seats at the mall..... and now I have to think about where my mouth has been??????

I am the girl, lost in the desert, who wouldn't take the last swallow of water, if it even APPEARED that someone else may have breathed in it's general direction......

BECAUSE..... You never know where OTHER people's mouths have been....... and, just....... you know, EWWWW.........

So THROAT WARTS are out of the question for me..........

What ever happened to good old strep throat?????

Google has replaced it with warts because the times they are a changin........

Google turns moles into Melanoma.........

Paper cuts into gangrene........

The stomach flu into ectopic pregnancy........ ( in my case, it would have to involve divine Intervention)

and for 5 memorable minutes one day, Google had me in tears, convinced I had prostate cancer..........

until I remembered I don't have a prostate............

Reading all the things that can go wrong with a prostate, made me immediately drop to my knees and, Thank God for All Things Estrogen.......

I love being a girl.......

Except for the hot flashes.......

Which google informs are spontaneous human combustion....

"Don't Worship Me Unless I've Earned It".........

2009-08-24T08:35:00.000-07:00

I still have nothing, people...........

While we're waiting for something resembling a brain cell to stroll by......

Here are some more random things...... ( in no particular order)

I once forgot how to spell my own name..............

( it takes a very special kind of stupid.. don't try it at home )

My toenails haven't been painted once this summer...... bending over is more effort than it's worth, these days.............

My friendships have hit a new low..............

Roseanne and I each found ourselves in an embarassing situation...... ( she went first..... that was nice of her)

She had an experience WE CANNOT SPEAK OF HERE.........

One of those almost Out of body things.....

and I felt bad......

So bad that I copied her two days later.......

I had my own almost out of body experience.........

THAT WE CANNOT SPEAK OF HERE.........

There we were, in a very public place...........

Me with the proverbial egg on my face.......

saying something along the lines of: "Are you SERIOUS???? For REAL"????

( Just couldn't believe my mind and body could seperate so completely from each other..... at the same time......... Don't ask me why I was surprised..... I've spent 44 years in this mind....... Nothing it does should surprise me..... ever..... )

So, I'm embarrased beyond reason.........

and what does the person who passes for my "Best Friend" do???? ( in lieu of anything resembling support)

she says to me: "THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU"!!!!!!

I thought she was gonna frickin' kiss me for a minute........

Me:

"I didn't exactly do it for YOU, you moron"!!!!!!!!!

With friendships like these..............

I am painfully shy.......

Whoops..........

I guess I can't really pull that one off anymore.......

How about I used to be painfully shy????

Does anybody want to hear how many days till Heather's Wedding????

( 68..... I took a shot you really wanted to hear...)

5 places I'd rather be right now.......

Writing to you from a balcony overlooking Myrtle Beach......

Borders New Book Table............ ( always a religious pilgrimage... one I don't get to take nearly often enough anymore)

In a Featherbed..... with George Clooney........ ( he might wander across this blog and read about my boobs....... A girl can dream.....)

Trying on Wedding dresses with my baby girl.............

Playing hopscotch on the scalding hot pavements of my youth.....

( assuming I could still HOP )

My goal for today........

( I feel like I should aim for something meaningful, and Mother Theresa like...... such as World Peace......)

I'm out of time, so I'll settle for matching my underwear to my socks..........

My out of control mammary glands..... Six Word Saturday!.

2009-08-21T13:52:00.000-07:00

My Boobs Are Popular! Who Knew???

Hi, Internet peeps and world at large...........

I've been under the radar this week due to the thing I fear most in life......

Writer's block........

I haven't written anything in about a week.......

and in the last two days I've picked up three more followers.......

Call me conceited.....

But I think it must be my boobs...........

They were the last thing I wrote about......

When I got done I promised myself......

No. More. Boob. Talk.

and now here we are.........

Three Followers Richer..........

And whom do I have to thank????

The old mammary glands............

Those hostages of gravity........

The things I am capable of tripping over......... ( it's a talent)

I want to assure my new readers........

There is more to me than my chest.........

( I've also talked up tampons...... run now.........)

still here????

okay.......

than here's a couple of things about me NOT related to my body........

Those fantastically good looking people on the right side of my sidebar???

Those are people I've contributed to the earth....

My children.......

i have four...... ( and all the grey hair to prove it )

When I was 18 I married the boy next door............

When I was 35 I divorced the boy next door..............

I'd like to say his biggest sin was peeing outside of the toilet bowl.........

And that my next husband will come paper trained...........

This remains to be seen........

Meanwhile.....

I had spent my entire life as some one's daughter, some one's wife, or some one's Mother........

I was 35 before I accidentally discovered one of the most important people in my life......

Right in my own mirror........

I almost became a Grandmother to Triplets in 2007.......

During a crazy few months, while falling head over heels in love with three tiny people I would never hold... I learned some things......

There are some things in life you can't protect your heart from.......

There are some things you can't run from........

You can't put your feelings on hold until you're assured the happy ending.........

A heart wrapped in cellophane can't beat productively........

A heart living in caution isn't living.......

It's existing...........

The walk between existence and life is a tightrope of almost paralyzing fear....

But well worth the trip.......

That's some pretty heavy stuff....... ( welcome to my world.......)

Here's some lighter stuff......

I've lost the ability to pick things up with my toes..........

I recently found my way out of shape keester on a playground swing.........

Did you know that swinging causes leg cramps??????

I never noticed that when I was six............

When I was about to find myself stuck on a swing, sort of against my will.......

I said to Roseanne:

"You were SERIOUS????!!!!! we're gonna get on the swings"????

( don't blame me if parts of me don't wanna get off.......)

Roseanne:

"Well, YES, I was SERIOUS....... I'm not gonna make you get on the slide....... what more do you want"?????

New Friends came to mind..........

I have to appear, in costume, at my only daughter's wedding in 70 days.......

The last costume idea I had on my own was Peri menopausal Nudist Wearing A Mood Ring....

The one viable costume idea given to me by my very favorite "fan of all things regal", is a Queen..........

Which is a lovely idea........

But is going to involve a crown...........

I don't want to give anyone the idea that I am a bitter ex wife.......

suffice it to say that if certain lads in need of paper training, don't watch where they're sitting...... it's out of my hands........ ( literally)

I have no desire to skydive......... ever.......

unless a carton of Ben& Jerry's "Mint Oreo Cookie" is involved.....

I'm going to rejoin the gym.........

This will not be pretty............

Sweating is against my religion..........

also...... I think I've heard the elliptical machine laugh at me.......

and every hard body Barbie Wanna Be in the World invariably shows up to run on the treadmill beside me.........

Is running even legal on a treadmill???????

I'm looking into it.......

New Readers........

Welcome..........

My name is Janine........

and I ramble a lot about nothing........ ( As I've demonstrated here, beautifully)

But I promise.......

No more boob talk..........

Maybe it's time to move on to my cervix.......

( During my pap smear a year or so ago my doctor said to me..... "Your Cervix looks lovely"...... I didn't know how to take that..... it's not exactly like being told you have such a pretty face......... but sometimes..... a lovely cervix is all one has to work with.......)

This is my life........ I should have opted for what was behind curtain number two.......

Back to our regularly scheduled blogging tomorrow... ( I hope..)

in the meantime, check out Cate's "Six Word Saturday"...

Not in a posty , oaty, toasty, type of a mood.......

2009-08-15T08:29:00.000-07:00

I have Writer's block.........

My period has come home.......... ( and it brought friends)

I have a headache..........

I just found out my breasts resemble mail bags..........

I read peach tarts blog this morning.... hoping for inspiration....... she says the most adorable things...... some of my favorite involve the appendages of men...

She always gives me a good laugh, and usually manages to cure my penis envy at the same time....

Today she had a chart.....

outlining the different boob types out there ( in case you were curious.....)

I knew I was not an itty bitty titty..........

I did not need a chart to tell me this.......

I passed all illusions of itty bitty ANYTHING at conception......

I was pretty sure perky, derky, buttercups, pointing their way heavenward, were also out of my realm of reality...........

I own mirrors........

and once in a blue moon I accidentally look into one.......

I've also obtained rug burn on my nipples, from bending over to tie my shoe.......

soooo.......

But, mail bags???????

That was info me and the girls could have lived quite happily without.........

The other day I said to a co- worker.......

"I've got a stiff neck".........

she said.........

"It's your boobs".............

I might tell a sister chick she has spinach between her teeth........

or that her eyeshadow gives her a striking resemblence to Tammy Faye Baker........

If I was feeling brave I might try:

"You know....... Lycra isn't for everyone....."

I completely draw the line at:

"It's your boobs"..........

To the itty bitty titty ladies...........

Treasure them............

light a candle for them....

Get down on your knees, and thank your flat chested ancestors........

You will never know the joy of pulling your own boob out of place......

( are you laughing???? PAIN, people..... PAIN.....)

To the perky, derky, Buttercups....... ( I made that one up)

That pointing to the sky thing????

You're not fooling anyone.......

That's not humanly possible......

Without 100 dollars worth of underwire......

or, you know.....

silly putty....

"I enjoy being a girl"...... Part Two.......

2009-08-12T17:11:00.000-07:00

Dear, Uterus...........

Make up your ever loving mind........

Are we gonna close the menopause deal, making you obsolete???

You've been with the company for 44 years now, and put in 32 years of dedicated service....

My babies were certainly the worst tenants in the history of the world......

You weren't initiated on soft butterfly flutters..........

There were no gentle nudges for you......

The babies made by Janine...

( Yes, ALONE.......... Mary really started something with that immaculate conception business.... I'm surprised it never caught on more, really.....)

Regardless.....

The babies made by Janine... ( okay, and what's his face, too)

They never kicked......

They jumped.........

They stomped..........

They gyrated.........

Simple kicking was beneath them..........

My children were gifted, right from the womb........

this may have resulted in your every available surface looking like Swiss cheese......

one kind doctor described you as "Tired" and "Needing A rest".......

Meanwhile, I was the one walking the floor with an 8 day old baby with colic.....

while my 4 year old, and 2 year old were trying to out scream each other underneath my feet.....

I didn't own a pair of sweats that wasn't covered in some sort of child body fluid.....

I still looked 6 months pregnant........

I got the hemorrhoids, stretch marks, and labor pains.......

Here's a news flash for you.........

"Tired" goes away........

Hemorrhoids are for forever........

What was I to do???

Send you to Hawaii????

Not alone, buddy.......

And I had the aforementioned 8 day old, who was only happy when he was using me as a giant spit up cloth.......

The 2 year old who was only happy when she was wrapped around my knee, or on my one free hip.....

When asked what she thought of her baby brother, she'd reply......

"No like"..........

Obviously, I never consulted her again.......

The 4 year old was amusing himself........

looking through the personals for an adoptive family.......

Have I mentioned the roughly 723 stitches in the area south of the belly button???

The place where people SIT????

Try sitting down on Styrofoam for two weeks........

What's that????

So, Why do it????

For the stomps......

The stomps that told me all was right......

The stomps that woke me in the middle of the night.....

or caught me , unaware, in the middle of a bad day......

The stomps that reminded me that it was no longer all about me.......

For the bittersweet, and very physical, primal, feeling of my child leaving my body.......

of watching as they began the act of living on their own...........

For those moments at 3 Am, when the rest of the world was sleeping, and it was just me, a chair, and 8 plus pounds of baby.........

for the feeling of running my finger across a petal smooth cheek......

As I gently sang "Puff The Magic Dragon"....... ( off key, all the way...)

As my new baby gazed at me with a face that might have been colic......

but was more likely the singing......

you don't need a translator for: "Uh.... Mom???? has anyone ever mentioned the fact that you can't sing"?????

The feeling of an impossibly tiny hand grasping my finger with the grip of a wrestler........

the vibration through my fingers laid on a tiny back, of a newborns steady breath......

The new smell at the back of a baby's neck......

The feel of a baby's fingers across my mouth, in the first successful reach for a human face......

The sound of a first belly laugh............

The music of a first: "Ma, Ma, Ma".......

The look in a six year old eyes, as he gazes into my face waiting for the answer to:

"Mama..... How do the clouds stay in the sky"??

Dear, Uterus.........

I don't think it's politically correct to say that my children fulfilled me as a woman............

I do think it's fair to say that they fulfilled parts of me........

Some of my favorite parts have been colored in with sticky little hands......

The work that you and I ( and, oh yeah..... what's his face) did together made my children possible.........

Dear, Uterus.....

I'm going to miss you.......

"Have you people never heard of cable TV"??? Part 3..... They're coming to take me away.....

2009-08-11T06:20:00.001-07:00

Heather was pregnant..........

Heather was pregnant with triplets..........

My daughter has never done anything in her life by halves....... EVER.......

But this was pushing the envelope.......

I was back to the whiny portion of the program........

Me:
"Heather!!!! Triplets is THREE BABIES"!!!!! ( in case she hadn't done the math)

Heather: "I know that, Mother...... thanks"...... ( okay, so sometimes this kid is totally her Mother's daughter.....)

Heather laid the ground rules immediately........

Her children were never to be referred to as "The Triplets"........ ( pointing out the fact that they WERE triplets, to my extremely hormonally overloaded daughter, was not the smartest move I ever made in my life......)

and there would be no matching outfits..........

Heather wanted her children seen as individuals.....

I wanted a valium..............

Also, I wasn't old enough for this............. ( have I mentioned that???)

A few days after we got the news, Heather and I were on the phone...... ( The cell phone became a permanent part of my body at this time......)

Heather:

"The doctor said I can still have sex"!!!!!!!!!! ( she's trying to kill me for the inheritance.... there's no other explanantion...... )

Me:

"Heather....... how can you even SAY that word right now"??!!!!

she continued.........

"Oh, and baby C was conceived 2 or 3 days after babies A & B........"

How in the H E Double Hockey sticks can they possibly know that????

Never mind.... Don't tell me.......

I don't wanna know........

I lost it......... ( assuming I ever had it)

"Good, GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do you people ever come up for air???? Have you never heard of Cable TV"???????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Heather:

"Oh,Mama........ You're so funny!!!! You should write a book".....

yeah...........

"Erma Bomback Bitch slaps Dr. Ruth"........

People will be lining up all around for the world for that one......

( post note....... Thank you to everyone who's left such nice comments on these posts....... you may have noticed that they haven't been published..... I appreciated all of them, and appreciate all of you..... But this story, Heather's story..... My 3 little sweethearts story....... it has a sad ending...... what can I say??? this is my life.... unscripted, and as it happens.......... It's not always pretty......... and I write about it...... all of it.......... I'm not sure of all the reasons I started this blog........ I can tell you that I hope you continue to read.... I hope you find things you enjoy..... I hope you find things that may help you, or someone else...... But, mainly.... I guess I've reached a point in my life where this is for me......... I do this for me....... there was a time I would have said that makes me selfish.......... Today, I say that makes me a woman who's lived, who's loved, who's laughed, who's lost, and who's gained.......... and now she just wants to talk about it........

"Have you people never heard of cable TV"? Part Two.... The part where I talk about the vomiting.... Both Heather's and mine"....

2009-08-09T13:04:00.000-07:00

There are some pretty powerful sentences out there.........

Most of them can be contained by 3 or 4 words.......

Amazing, isn't it????

Three or four little words can carry enough strength to make us cry.........

can make us laugh........

can have us on our knees........

can lift our feet from the ground, as we literally: "jump for joy"........

can make us want to hear more.........

Can make us wish to never hear again........

Three or four little words hooked together can bring you to heights of surreality you didn't know existed.......

They carry the power to change the course of a life....

or to just simply make your day.......

some sentences that come to mind are:

"I Love You"

"I Hate You"

"Will you marry me"?

and, my personal favorite, because I lived it two years ago.........

"Mama..... I'm Pregnant".....

oh. how I longed for the days I could send her to her room......

As Heather and I moved into a bittersweet time in the mother daughter relationship...

The days I wanted to speed time along......

So that I could rock my baby's baby to sleep....

The days I just wanted to stop time.......

because I knew, as I listened to my child's excitement, her nervousness, and her joy......

That these days would speed by.... too fast to enjoy them......

I knew as I "Watched" this child of my body, and my heart.......

as her body blossomed with her first child.........

That these days could never come again.......

The selfish part of me wanted to hold on to them........ till my arms became too tired for holding on, and then, only then, would I release them like a bird to the wind........

and yet another part of me wanted the days of my own baby girl back....

The baby girl who came into the world defining "Determination"......

The baby who learned to say the word "NO" a lot sooner than her brother before her.....

The baby who said the word "NO" frequently, and with more passion than any child before or after her..........

The baby who would not only survive, two small heart defects, a cancer scare, her parent's divorce, and a devastating car accident.....

but in the face of it all, this amazing child would thrive.....

Strength, Grit, and Thank you, God, Stubborness on wheels.......

Those are the things my girl is made of...

Meanwhile....

I was getting used to the Grandmother To Be Gig, or at least..... I'd stopped whining about it........ as much.........

I was buying bibs, onesies, and an adorable denim dress I could NOT pass up......

Heather was mortified......

"Mama!!!!! what if it's a boy"????

Me: "He's going in a dress".........

cross dressing my grandson while he was still in his mother's womb...

This is the kind of Grandmother I was.......

My baby girl was pregnant, and 400 miles away from me....

living back in a sleepy sort of town on the south shore of Massuchusetts......

The town where it all began 30 years ago...........

With a fence, a shy red head in a new town, and a boy on crutches...... ( post for another day)

There were numerous, nunerous, phone calls.....

Heather was desperately sick from the beginning.......

There are hurts that you'd gladly take for your child.........

Vomiting is not among them.........

Heather would call me up, and say: "This baby hates me"..........

and then she told me she was piping music into her belly....

I did that with my kids, so I was excited to think that Heather was introducing my little grandchild to music early on....

I said: "Great! What are you listening to"??

Heather named off a couple of band names that made me do one of these:

"HUH"??????

Heather: "You know, mom........ heavy metal"........

Me: "No wonder the baby hates you"......

as the Mother To Be, Heather was remarkably calm.......... ( she was young.... what did she know??)

The Grandmother to be was a basket case.........

and then the doctor put his two cents in.........

in addition to being "Hyper Sick", Heather began experiencing left sided pain......

since she was still in the first few weeks, she was young. and this was her first pregnancy, the doctor ordered her over to the hospital for a vaginal ultrasound.... immediately.........

The words "Ectopic Pregnancy" were used.......

I was at home when the call came........

Heather sounded like the little girl who'd just had her favorite doll ripped away from her....

She was on her way to the hospital for her first ultrasound, an ultrasound that may take the hope of her child away from her..........

My little girl really had become a woman...........

A woman who wanted her mommy.........

I tried to talk to her around the tears in my own eyes....

telling her we didn't know yet, and even if it was the worst case scenario.... she could have other babies.....

Yeah.... I wanted to slap myself, but sometimes there just aren't any "Right" words..... even when you're the mom.........

I was at work, in a crowded nurses lounge when the second call came........

"Relax, Mama........ The babies and I are fine........."

Bedlam broke out in my mind, and in the room at large as I began screaming........

"TWINS!!!!! We're having TWINS"!!!!!!!!!!!!!

( yeah... I don't know what was with the "WE" , either, except when it's a kid you've gotten stretch marks for.... Your own uterus is always kind of emotionally vested...)

as the nurses's and Cna's were all cheering, and trying to hug me, ( it's hard to catch a moving target)

I became aware of Heather's voice, yelling in my ear.............

and she was saying things no mother should have to hear from 400 miles away......

She was saying things no mother should have to hear without benefit of heavy duty drugs, and a couple of shots of electro-shock therapy.....

"Mama........ Mama, stop saying twins......... MAMA!!!!!! stop telling people it's twins........ Mama...... maybe you'd better sit down.......... MAMA!!!!!!!!! It's TRIPLETS"!!!

SAY WHAT???

Heather Mary Michelle, you're grounded........

Go to your room and stay there...... forever.........

okay, so you can't ground a pregnant 20 year old....

I just thought you should all know.....

THE TEMPTATION IS ALWAYS THERE......

Meanwhile, I felt the back of a chair against my knees, as some kind soul was trying to get me to sit down........

you mean I'm still standing????

"Have you people never heard of cable TV"?

2009-08-09T07:22:00.000-07:00

This is a post I've struggled with...........

I've struggled against writing it down..........

I've wanted to write it, and I haven't wanted to write it......

All at the same time....

perhaps it's Heather's rapidly approaching wedding.........

perhaps it's all the visuals I have floating around in my head.....

the ones of my baby girl, with her curls, blankie, and sippy cup......

Perhaps it's the memory of a chair, a sick baby, and a tired mama, on her 300th chorus of "Baby Mine"..........

A memory so strong that I can still feel her weight against my chest......

I can feel the wisps of baby curl against my cheek.....

I can still smell "Johnson's Baby Shampoo", and fever sweat......

perhaps it's the memory of sitting my 11 year old Prima Donna down for "THE TALK"......

I came armed with terminology like "Eggs", "Sperm", "Fallopian Tube", and "Uterine Wall"............

I wanted to give my only daughter all the information I could.......

while at the same time imparting the very important mother view of: "Don't do this........ until you're 45, or I'm dead........ whichever comes first".....

I wanted to be precise..........

I wanted to be accurate.......

I wanted us to bond over this experience.........

I failed miserably........

Heather had no desire to know that her body housed fallopian tubes......

And the word "Sperm" grossed her out........... ( it really isn't the most attractive word in human language.... is it?)

Heather listened to my spiel.........

with defiance, petulance, and horror, dancing themselves across her beautiful little face.......

Heather was not a fan of: "The things to come"

You can imagine how much fun PMS was in our house, once this little girl was a card carrying member.......

but for THIS moment in time, Heather wished to inform me, in no uncertain terms, complete with arms crossed.............

"WELL....... MAMA!!!! I am NEVER getting married, and I am CERTAINLY NEVER HAVING A BABY...... so that doesn't have to happen to me"..............!!!!!!!!!!

Case Closed........

and when I tried to gently explain to her that these things would be happening to her body, regardless...........

She took it like her mother's child.......

"MAMA, THAT'S NOT FAIR"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I did not make the rules, punkin...........

This is not something I'm doing simply to annoy you.......

Heather continued......

"Well..... What happens to boys"????????

BOYS????????

"SPERM" was as far prepared as I'd come to discuss the "BOYS"......

Looking into my prepubescent daughter's eyes.........

I was currently wishing every boy ( except my sons) would drop off the face of the planet.............

before this got worse...........

and that brings us to nine years later.......

it brings us to both better, and worse.......

it brings us to a crazy few months.....

Months filled with fear, happiness, disbelief, laughter, and tears..........

oh, and vomiting.............

Heather had grown into a beautiful 20 year old woman, with a will like iron, and a committed relationship.........

I had seen my 40th Birthday come and go.......

and watched my father die.......

When Heather announced her pregnancy...........

My little girl was going to be a mother..........

This would make me a Grandmother.........

Grandmother's bake............

Doesn't that require turning on an oven?????

Grandmother's carry candy in their purses.......

okay, I carry candy....... But I don't necessarily want to share..........

Grandmother's say things like: "Back in my day"..........

I'm not old enough to have a "Day".....

It's funny, the things we don't know in advance........

I didn't know that within a week I would already be falling in love with the idea of this little one............

That I would be cruising the baby aisle at Wal Mart.........

I didn't know that this precious little one had company...........

or that my beautiful daughter's journey to Motherhood would be strewn with every pothole imaginable............

or that it would all be cut short...........

Taken away, too soon........ ( to be continued.....)

Earning My Wal Mart Stripes.....

2009-08-08T05:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Sam Walton..........
My name is Janine, and I have this blog..... Maybe you've read it???

What do you mean you've never heard of it???????

How can this be??????

So You AREN'T spending every spare minute you have thinking of me, and all the brilliant things I write???????

I'm hurt.........

Okay, So This would probably be because you've passed away......

( like.... years ago......)

I don't spend my every spare minute thinking of you, either.......

But I do spend an inordinate amount of time talking about you on this blog........

Or, more specifically, your store.........

The bane of my existence.....

The place where I've grown older, sadder, wiser.........

The place I've grown Grey hair, and moles....... ( all while waiting to move up in line....)

The only game in town.......

The place where probation officers can hook up with their clients.......

The place where teenage mother's can nurse their babies in the comfort of AC, and semi privacy. In the spot where Layaway used to be..........

Great decision, by the way..........

Doing away with the layaway.......

I'm not bitter, and I can totally afford to drop 700 dollars all at once, on a new TV..... I simply CHOOSE NOT TO.......

( my therapist made me say that....)

Did you know that if you stand in Wal Mart long enough......

Eventually.........

Every tattoo in the world will walk by........???

Wal Mart used to be the place where you could get lunch..... on a stick.......

This was particularly helpful to me.......

I have boobs........ ( something else I talk WAY too much about, but I'm a girl.... what are ya gonna do??)

and I like to feed them.........

This is my ladylike way of saying:

I drop stuff down the front of my shirt.....

a lot.......

food on a stick tends to be sort of rubbery, and actually HARD to drop.........

It's been several years since you banned the snack bar......

I have to ask........

It wasn't me, was it???????

The sight of me snarfing down a corn dog while cruising the "Vagisil" and TP......

it wasn't over the top.... was it?????

( that was totally fictionalized....... I'd never eat a corn dog..... not even in front of a firing squad........)

feeding my chest?????

all the time.........

Sam..... Did you know that your cashiers can't count??????

Did you do this on purpose so the rest of us would feel better about ourselves???

Do all your "Helpful" employees run and hide when they see me coming????

Why??????

I'm easy to talk to............ ( most days of the month)

I don't bite........ ( most days of the month)

I could be standing in the middle of electronics.....

Naked, and choking to death......... ( not on a corn dog)

Nada.........

but let my 44 year old severely out of shape, booty, hover itself over one of your precious display bikes.......... ( aren't they there to sit on????)

This brings your Gestapo out in droves...........

Wearing suits, and carrying clipboards.......

Clipboards are never a good sign...........

My Booty and I were scared straight......... ( once they used the jaws of life to pry it off the whimpering bike......)

Never again have we attempted eye ( a$%) contact with the bikes.............

Did I have a point????

oh, right.............

Sam, I got up this morning and realized I talk up your store a lot.....
( or just plain Bitch and Moan about it........ but I feel this should still count for something....)

How's about making me your new CEO??????

I'm cute, and I just learned how to successfully separate the shopping carts......

What do you mean, NO???????????

Is that nice????

How about some free stuff then??????

Think: PEANUT BUTTER CUPS......... ( for most days of the month)

I'm not the fussy type.........

I'll settle for the cheapo "Sam's Choice" kind.......

What do you say, Sam????

Can you hook a sister up???

"Some Days Are Just A Total Waste Of Haldol".....

2009-08-07T00:55:00.000-07:00

I found this writing prompt over at:

"Mama's Losin' It"

"What Are You Afraid Of"?

Are you sure you want to know?

Cause..... There's a lot........

Going Bald....... Call me shallow......... I really, really, love my hair......

It's my one great feature.......

I never considered myself particularly sexist before.....

But let's face it, ladies........

Men can pull off bald.........

Women????

Not so much......

It's just not a good look.......

Who loves ya, baby???

Discovering a hole in my sock....... while up in the stirrups, at the doctors office...... ( it's already not exactly my best side.... )

Having a bra strap give up the fight........ ( break) in public.......

I am well endowed......... ( I grew breasts in the womb....)

so, breakage of the bra strap would not only be somewhat embarrassing........

it would likely be fatal.............

Escalators...........

I can't handle them..........

Moving stairs........ ( the aforementioned big boobs, and no sense of agility AT ALL...)

Disaster just waiting to happen.........

I'm surprised Irwin Allen never made a movie about it......

Maybe I should E mail him........
( is he even still alive??? )

Thongs..........

WHAT'S THE POINT ??????

( to teenage girls across America I say: Maybe you don't mind having your girlie bits on display...... But I don't want to look at them in line at Wal Mart...... Capiche???? And have your mother's call me....... we must talk....)

Revolving doors........... ( am I the only person in the world worried about getting caught in one???)

Earwigs, Mice, Crickets, Hornets, frogs, basically anything not on my rung of the revolutionary ladder, that is ugly, menacing, hops, flies, or breaths, without my permission.....

Muzak..............

I'm afraid it will get stuck in my head, I'll have a fatal accident, and go through eternity with a violinist's version of: "Love Will Keep Us Together"......

Lowes........... ( it intimidates me..... okay???)

I think it's the bathroom fixtures......

The little old lady in line ahead of me...... ( at the bank, at the grocery store, at Wal Mart.... it doesn't matter..... She's THERE........)

She's sweet..........

She has a brand new blue perm.......

It's totally not her fault that aging has caused her to move with the speed of a snail on sleeping pills....... ( I'll be there someday, too, like next week...)

Nor is it her fault that I have to be at work in less than 10 minutes, and I couldn't live without the half pound hershey bar..... ( PMS is a daily occurrence in my world....)

She's undoubtedly some one's Grandmother...........

and she's paying with pennies.......

Give me the patience not to Bitch slap the blue right out of that perm.......

because my next fear would be Orange Jumpsuits, shackles, and linen that millions of other bodies have slept on....... ( unwashed)

To say nothing of communal toilets.............

on the bathing/ bathroom issue............

I require privacy..........

Not Just I would PREFER privacy.......... I need it.... in order for things to happen........

( okay..... Yes, I have peed with a 2 year old hanging off my kneecap....... but this was just post childbirth, there were stitches, and involuntary muscles involved....)

I require Aussie shampoo, conditioner, and hair spray.............

I require body wash.......... ( Dove's Go Fresh mint)

anybody trying to hand me soap on a rope.........

is gonna have the soap inserted into the first body opening I find........

I require a minimum of two towels.........

Thick, thick, terrycloth.............

and enough hot water for a small country.....

Jail would not work.......

where was I??????

oh, yeah......

lost in the bathroom....... ( ALONE)

showing up at my daughter's wedding..........

in costume..........

My daughter is getting married in 85 days....... ( On Halloween)

in the middle of a costume party........ ( not kidding)

Would I have liked to have seen her in a traditional Wedding Dress???

Yes......

Would I have liked to watch her walk down the aisle in church?

yes...............

Is this my life????

Nope......

It's hers...........

Heather is not traditional..........

Heather is strong, beautiful, vibrant, and a walking miracle.......... ( car accident when she she was 16 almost took her from us)

Every single second I get to spend in her presence is a gift....

so, costumes it shall be.......

However......

she's 22, and gorgeous....... the child could wear a sheet, and she'd be stunning.....

I, on the other hand...............

am 44 years old..........

I have more skin than I know what to do with........

it sags, drags, bunches up in all the most unattractive areas........

it dimples, wrinkles, and weeps......

it will only go out in "Certain lighting"........

I am also short...........

And going through the mother of all menopause..........

this makes me prone to hot flashes, cold flashes, public displays of emotion..... (sobbing over the last hostess cupcake in the market is NOT out of the question, people) and growing hair in every place I never wanted to see hair.....

My choice of costume is going to be limited.......

A Munchkin one Estrogen patch short of the next mood swing......

or.........

an Oompa Loompa....... on Steroids...................

live in fear, folks.......

"I Enjoy Being A Girl"...... ( Part 1) Not for The Faint Of Heart.... or, you know... THE MEN....

2009-08-02T07:42:00.000-07:00

Dear, Uterus.........
You and I have been through a lot together.......

We became "Women" together on a December day in 1977................

Together we weathered the joys of cramps, bloating, midnight munchies, and our uninvited, unwelcome guest.......... PMS..........

We went through the great: "Pads" Vs. "Tampons", debate.....

We were padded girls, and proud of it........

Till that day my 35 year old self discovered her "Rebellious" side...........

Smack dab in the middle of feminine hygiene, over at The Wal Mart........

I was newly divorced............

I felt liberated.............

I felt free.................

I walked lighter, and breathed easier......... ( losing a 300 pound albatross will do that for a person...)

Divorce can be a life changing event........

Some women may buy themselves a candy apple red, convertible.......

I aimed a little lower.........

I wanted me some tampons.............

I wanted to experience the plastic applicators, tiny strings, and nighttime confidence..........

plus........

Hot pink boxes?????

very cute.......

So, I brought home the cute pink box.........

and waited anxiously for "That Time" of the month.......

Calendar watching at 35, when you're as celibate as the pope, isn't nearly as much fun as it sounds.....

And there definitely should have been some foreplay going on between me and the plastic applicator.............

practice makes perfect, and all that...........

waiting for my "Wedding Day" in this instance....... Did NOTHING to enhance our relationship...........

There I was on the "Big Day"..............

in my flannel PJ's, and bunny slippers........

Trying to decipher the Hieroglyphics the cute pink box cruelly tries to pass off as "Instructions".........

okay, me and instructions??????

NOT GOOD.........

if there are more than 2 steps involved, I lose interest........

We're talking semi pointed objects and everything south of my equator, here.....

The concentration level of a four year old, lost in the toy aisle, can only be a plus....

okay......

so, fourteen year old girls can do this.........

How hard can it be?????

There were pictures.......... ( which should have helped)

I think they were supposed to be actual body parts.......

mind you, they were body parts I'm pretty sure I don't own.........

Is there an 800 number?????????

There was not............

We have hotlines in place for suicide prevention, Domestic Violence, alcoholism, and even overeating....... ( HELLO......... PUT DOWN THE FORK.....)

there's even an 800 number for home pregnancy tests..........

How Frickin' hard is it to aim the stick towards a stream of urine, and read the word "Pregnant"??????

Where is the help for the "Female Anatanomically Challenged"????

The plastic applicater lost in the midst of the forest????? ( Even Goldilocks had porridge to comfort her...)

Have these sadists never tried aiming a missile towards the head of a pin.... in the dark??????

There's PAIN involved here, people...........

ladies............

embrace the padding............

But if you do find yourself drawn to the pink............

Take my advice......... ( there's lots of it.... and it's free.....)

check the library for copies of "Tampons For Dummies"........

or better yet...........

ask your 14 year old for lessons in "Tampons 101"........

you know those "Priceless" commercials on TV????????

Have I got a pitch for them......

"Me And My Teddy Bear".....

2009-07-31T19:46:00.000-07:00

My father passed away on October 3, 2006, after a 4 month battle with lung cancer.....

4 months wasn't long enough to process the fact that not only can fathers get sick, they can do the unthinkable........

They can die..........

4 months wasn't long enough to adjust to the sight of the helpless "Little Boy" complete with oxygen, that my once strong father turned into.........

4 months wasn't long enough for me to explain the words: "Terminal" and "Palliative Care", to my devastated mother...........

4 months wasn't long enough to understand that when you take the words "Cure" and "Hope" away from doctors..... They become simply people........ They no longer have the answers......... They look just as helpless as all the other faces around you.........

4 months just wasn't long enough.........

It wasn't long enough for me to explain to my desperately sick father, that I finally "Got It"..........

That I saw parental love comes out in all shapes, and forms.......

It doesn't always show itself in the ways a child can appreciate.....

Children see their parents as parents.........

period.

We don't see the person before.......

The little boy, with the blue sweater, and brown shorts, who accidentally set himself on fire when he was 5 or 6.........

The little boy who was growing up in the midst of a large, noisy, Irish, family.....

The little boy some might refer to as a "Handful".......

The little boy who's Irish mother referred to as: "A Hell raiser"......

The little boy who would spend the next few months fighting for life in a burn unit......

The little boy who would lose his beloved father at age 10..........

A father who understood the boy wasn't a "Hell raiser". but simply a boy looking for his place........ in the only way he knew how..........

The little boy would turn into a young man..........

A young man who would never earn a high school diploma, choosing instead to work with his hands, and his back..........

A necessity not necessarily of his own choosing........

but born out of his large family's need........

A young man who loved stick ball, The Boston Red Sox, and "The Drink"..... a little too much......

Turn to the drink, for entertainment, for comfort.....

It's what young men did in South Boston, on warm summer evenings, with the breeze smelling of car exhaust, starchy linen, and sweat...........

and on long, cold, winter afternoons, when the breeze smelled like snow, and boredom.......

The young man would eventually marry.......

Marriage to a young woman with a horrible disease called diabetes, would not calm his wild ways........ ( at first)

The young man was a hard worker.......

Even on those too early mornings, after exiting the bar stools at 2 AM.....

The young man would appear, Clean shaven, to work on the bushes, and in the trees......

He worked for the city..........

He was what was called a "Laborer"......

Even on the day his wife entered the hospital to have their first child, a child the doctors had told them may never be possible........

The young man appeared at work, across town........

This was in the days before lamaze, birthing rooms, and daddies wearing cups, and sliding down the wall in a faint, as their wives delivered their children beside them........

The young man knew he'd be no good at pacing in a waiting room..........

so, he went to work, and took his anxiety out on the trees.......

till the call came..........

and he raced through the hot summer streets, and subways, on a June afternoon......

To arrive at the hospital, and take his newborn daughter into strong, sweaty arms.....

The first girl born in his family in 30 years.....

I'm told his pride, and his joy, rolled off him in waves........

A palpable presence........

The young man had become a dad on that June afternoon........

My Dad...........

I'd like to say he was always perfect at it..........

He wasn't...........

The love was evident on his face in the home movie of his baby girl's christening......

as the young man gently ran a finger across his newborn baby's brow........

The love was evident in his voice, as he gently knelt at his young daughter's bedside... singing chorus after chorus of: "Me and My Teddy Bear".........

The love was less evident in the screaming weeks before his young daughter's wedding........

The love was coming out in screams, helplessness, and pleading..........

As the now middle aged man, and defiant teenage daughter went head to head.......

The teenager so sure she was right, and the middle aged man facing the heartbreak of watching his firstborn make her own mistakes.........

The middle aged man would rally..... ( as all parents must do, in the end..)

To walk his daughter down the aisle, and give her away..........

To a man that would abuse her.......

A man that would batter her mind, soul, and body.........

as the middle aged man stood by, helpless to end his child's suffering.........

until a phone call from 400 miles away..........

A phone call that began his child's journey back to a world, full of healing, hope, redemption, laughter, joy, and beauty........

The middle aged man had become an "Older Man" during the years in between.....

and the defiant teenage girl had grown from cocky teenager, to sad young woman, living in a shell......

The cruel hands of an abuser can strip away self-confidence, quicker than 80 year old farm hands can strip the skin off an ear of corn.........

The sad young woman turned slowly into a middle aged woman......

A middle aged woman who had laughter, strength, and life returned to her eyes.....

A middle aged woman who never passed up an opportunity to give thanks......

To those advocates who worked so diligently for her, and beside her.........

To friends who supported and loved her, when she was incapable of loving herself.....

But did she ever stop to thank this now older man, her Dad........???

I'd like to say yes.............

But isn't that what parents are for????

to fix things????

The middle aged woman, and the older man could still go head to head.......

The older man now referred to his oldest as: "My Daughter The Feminist".....

with both awe, and a little horror........

The middle aged woman's love was evident........

in her hands, as she tied the back of her father's hospital gown, waiting for the doctor, and news no one ever wants to hear.......

in her eyes, as she watched a surgeons face, while he struggled with words like "Mass" and "Biopsy".............

in her voice, as she knelt gently down beside her father's chair......

to convince her father that he needed to go back to the hospital.......

as her once strong father gazed at her with the eyes of a scared child......

In her heart, as it broke at the unfairness of a situation beyond all control....

and in her heart again, in the years following.....

As the middle aged woman learned all about parental love, and the shapes and sizes it comes in............

The lengths parents will go to in order to attempt to right the wrongs, and make the bad better for their children.........

in the end, parents are far more than parents..........

They're people........

In Loving Memory Of Patrick Thomas Canty

March 24, 1934- October 3, 2006...

"Me and my teddy bear, we got no worries, we got no cares......
me and my teddy bear, we just play and play all day......
Me and my teddy bear..... he's got one eye, and got no hair....
but me and my teddy bear, we got no worries, we got no cares.....
we just play and play all day".........

Another Award!!

2009-07-31T16:38:00.001-07:00

Many, Many, Thanks to Shawn, over at: "Seriously"

Shawn shares a name ( well, middle name) with my oldest son, she was the first person to Welcome me into the blog world, she's funny..... and her blog layout is awesome..... ( READ..... Totally jealous, here....)

This is "The Best Blog Award" and it was given to me!!! can you imagine???

I'm supposed to pass it on to 15 other bloggers.......

A task I'm not up to tonight....

if you're in my blogroll on the right...... obviously, your blog is the best, in order for me to read it, it has to make me laugh, cry, or, think.... I have some wonderful bloggers over there.... some of them can make me do all three!!!! to my blogroll.... I say: Take it....... you deserve it!!!! And keep writing.......

To My "Folks In Real Life"............ ( Yes,...... AGAIN....The dedication people, and a couple of others who wish to remain anonymous.. )

I wish I had an award to give you all, that would equal what you've given me......

I don't......

would you settle for cash???

Paper Gowns, Paper Shoes, and a surgeon with no sense of humor"...

2009-07-31T08:10:00.001-07:00

Taken from an e mail.....

December 30, 2008.. The day before I had my gallbladder removed...

( people who know me in "Real Life" are getting gypped lately... hopefully something creative decides to take root in my brain soon...)

Dr Delightful on possible complications:

"There's a risk of puncturing the liver"........

( I bet he loses a lot of sales with that line.....)

"There's a risk of damaging the bowel, or bile ducts"...............

( There's a risk I'm about to dive through the nearest fire exit.........)

he continues........

"We can fix the bile ducts"...............

( is it just me........... or did he leave something sorta important out of that sentence??????? The fairly optimistic side of me wishes to have something resembling a love life....... someday................ and this is just a guess.... but I'm thinking most men are not gonna be real turned on by : "Red hair", Blue Eyes", "Nice smile", "And.... oh yeah...... Damaged Bowel"...................... )

Dr Delightful continues:

"There's a risk of blood clots"........

( well...... it's been fun and everything... however............that's 3 strikes... you're out.... but you have a nice day now, ya hear?????)

Dr. Delightful on the "Scars"............

"Four Holes....... here, here, here, and here"...............

Me: "Soooo...... I'll still be able to wear a bikini"????????

not only did he not crack a smile..............

he had the nerve to look a little horrified.........

This little dude may be a great surgeon... ( Please, God....)

but he gives a lousy pep talk...............

Let's all get on our knees and pray this guy never gives up his day job, to go coach little league somewhere...

"Are We There Yet"???? ( Did I pack my xanax? )

2009-07-26T08:32:00.000-07:00

A few years ago my friend Jodi proved herself to be one of the bravest women in America...........

She didn't throw herself on a live grenade............

or stop an attempted assassination on the President's life........

She did better.......

She drove 1500 miles with yours truly.........

From Maine to South Carolina..........

I don't drive.........

I don't read maps..... ( Well..... I kinda do...... I just like to put my own spin on them, where they don't make sense........ Driver's never appreciate my: "Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Mo", version of map translation... and is this my fault???? )

I've been known to get lost in my own driveway........

And I think I've already mentioned that YES .... I DO know where my mother lives......... Just don't ask me how to get there.........

I am, however, cheap entertainment...........

Which is the only reason people put me in their vehicles.....

If you're looking for the "Lonestar" chick to guide you towards the light at the end of the tunnel........ what can I say???? you're gonna be sorely disappointed.........

If you're looking for a "Thelma" to ride over the rim of the Grand Canyon, with........

or a Roseanne Barr hopped up on Ritalin..........

look no further........

I'm your girl...........

Fasten your seat belts, it's going to be a bumpy ride................

As the Tappan Zee bridge came into view....... ( Rose up out the earth, higher than should be humanly possible..... )

Jodi:

"Oh, look!!! Neat...... We're gonna get to go over it".........

( Jodi is one of those very enthusiastic people...... Jodi had also just ingested caffeine......... me???? not so much......)

Me:

"Oh NO, we are not!!!!!!!!!!!!!! not this chick!!!!!!! My a$% is NOT going over that thing!!!!!!! STOP THE CAR!!!!! STOP THE CAR!!!!!!!!!!!! ( in the middle of traffic)

Jodi is a wonderful person.............

But "Monty Hall" she ain't........

She kept driving.......... ( trying not to lose control of the car through her laughter...)

Meanwhile.....

I'm a fairly reasonable person, and I still wanted to play: "Let's Make A Deal".....

Me:

"Fine.......... Just slow down........... I'LL ROLL OUT"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jodi:

"Take a picture".......................................

I think she was trying to be soothing.............

okay.......

but of all the things that might help in this situation......

Taking a picture was not among them.........

Taking a picture would have required leaving my eyes OPEN.......

So not happening.........

( I had to be bribed to go over the rest of the bridges....)

Things not to say to your driver:

Jodi: ( in the middle of horrible traffic)

"Is this the exit we take".........??????????

Me: ( trying to stand on my head in the front seat in order to read the map.... Can someone explain to me what language they use on those things???? cause I'm pretty sure it isn't English........)

"Uhhhhh...... I dunno........... let's flip a coin........"

this wasn't greeted with the enthusiasm I was hoping for......

and it got the map ripped out of my hands......

Jodi:

"You are NOT getting this back"!!!!!!

That was probably in every one's best interest.......

Running into Monks at your friendly neighborhood McDonald's.... ( 11:30 at night, in Connecticut)

Yes, I said Monks...........

Brown Robe wearing, complete with belts...........

Bald.........

Monks............

on cell phones...........

there was one walking up the walkway.... ( on a cell phone)

one inside, walking in circles around the counter......... ( on a cell phone)

and one holding the door....... ( on a cell phone )

let's forget for a moment that I thought Monks were supposed to take an oath of silence........

let's also forget for a moment that I can't afford Verizon's outrageous charges.... to say nothing of the roaming minutes........

How do monks afford it????

Overtime?????

Moonlighting???????

What could they possibly have been discussing????

Color cooridinating their outfits?????

It looked like something out of a bad Steven Segall movie to me........

I refused to go in the building....... ( complete with arm crossing)

Jodi was less than impressed.............

"Get out of the frickin' car.................. NOW."

Me:

"Are Monks allowed to talk???? They could be terrorists........ don't they look like terrorists"?????

Jodi:

"They look like hungry Monks........... GET OUT OF THE FRICKIN' CAR......"

I could have grabbed the door handle..............

that probably would have created a scene........

and who am I to stand in the way of a monk and his double cheeseburger????

So, I got out of the frickin' car...........

fast forward to the next day.........

We entered Maine, via the Maine Turnpike..... Which they were shutting down..... because a truckful of explosives had overturned......... Coincidence???? I think not...........

So now we're inching along at a quarter of a mile per hour.........

And I chose that moment to say: "I told you so...... SEE??? I probably saved our lives last night"......

Not only did she look unconvinced............

she said:

"The next time I have to take you further than Wal Mart, I'm bringing a tape recorder"...........

YEAH.......

I deserved that.......

"I don't have a speech prepared".......

2009-07-24T07:43:00.000-07:00

I've been given another award!!! ( This makes two, if you're counting..... and I am.... Counting......)

It's left me sort of speechless.... ( A rare condition) Also, I'm in a huge rush to get ready for work..... So, sorta short, sweet, and to the point........

This is the "Your Blog Is FU%^ing Fabulous" award.... ( isn't it fabulous??)

It was given to me by Modern Mom over at: >

She's pretty fabulous, herself.......

the rules are pretty simple.....

List five current obsessions and pass the award on to five more fabulous blogs. On your post of receiving this award, make sure you include the person that gave you the award and link it back to them. When you post your five winners, make sure you link them as well. To add the award to your post, simply right-click, save image, then “add image” in your post as a picture so your winners can save it as well. To add it to your sidebar, add the “picture” widget. Also, don’t forget to let your winners know they won an award from you by leaving a comment on their blog.

My 5 ( current ) obsessions are: ( I can't believe I only get 5.....)

1. My Job: I have a new "Position" I'm transitioning ( position and transitioning in the same sentence??? Please don't let the Gods Of Good Grammar Wander across this blog..... ever.....)

let's try that again...... I'm in transition with my job at the moment...... ( and it's making the transition during childbirth look like a cakewalk....) I've been training on the med cart this week....... and today I try it Solo......

I am petrified..........

as in my mouth is actually numb, petrified.......

and I. WANT. MY. MOMMY.

NOW.

I have a clipboard...... and I know how to use it....... kind of........

I can see over the med cart.......... kind of......... ( vertically challenged )

I am well endowed......... ( I have big boobs)

Other people need keys to lock the cart.....

I don't..........

"LOOK MA, NO HANDS"!!!!

It's a gift.........

2. My age...... ( how boring ) I just wanna know when it happened......

The gray has taken over my head.... I'm someone's Mother In- Law.....

oh, And I went to the eye doctor last summer......... I wanted cute new glasses.....

she did a bunch of stuff, and says...... "You need Bi- Focals"..... ( Think again, Sister.....)

and then she says.......... "You have a blind spot in your right eye".......
( I could see when I walked in here!!!)

and she said I needed to see a specialist......

The specialist used the words: "Serious" And "Brain Tumor"....

let's review..........

I walked in, in a great mood, having a VERY cute hair day.......

and I walked out Broke, Blind, With Bi- Focals, and a Brain Tumor......

THOSE are the things the aging process will bring you, my friends...... beware.....

( I'm fine........ they did thousands of dollars worth of tests, which I'm going to have to sell one of my children, to pay for....... and they didn't find a thing in my brain......)

big surprise......

3. Michael Jackson's Body......... ( The dead version)
Where is it???? seriously...... that's creeping me out.....

4. Blogging....... My underwear could be on fire, and if I was passing a computer I'd have to stop, drop, and check my blog traffic........... ( I'm thinking this is a sickness....)

5. That picture on my sidebar of my son and his girlfriend....... I love all my children.... but there's something about that picture...... That's my Christopher....... and his girlfriend Carrie.... Aren't they beautiful?????

and now for my 5 winners..... ( I don't have time to tell everyone why they're fabulous..... but take my word for it.... they are more fabulous than, I....

http://www.showmyface.com/2008/01/six-word-saturdays.html

http://4livinginfrance.blogspot.com/

http://nottherockefellers.blogspot.com/

http://seriously-shawn.blogspot.com/

Keep your fingers crossed that I did this right...... ( me and technology...... not good..... I don't even have a good grasp on "Connect The Dots", yet...)

Have a great day, and remember to stop, drop, and check that blog traffic...... ( or just your email if you have no blog)

unless you're one of a select few who's having one of those "Real Lives" that I hear so much about........

If you're in that category....

talk to the hand......

"It's a bloggy, blob, world".....

2009-07-23T07:29:00.000-07:00

Repeat E mail from February 8, 2009

It all began with all the wonderful people in my e mail contacts...

How I love them........

Special thanks to "The Queen", who gave me the inspiration for this blog post title... ( don't try and tell this lady it's "BLOG"..... she prefers "BLOB" )

Sometimes I read other people's blogs for inspiration.......

You know I'm going along having a kinda "Dry" spell, and I feel compelled to write Something....... ANYTHING........ I blame most of you...... Starting with Roseanne....

If I go 3 or 4 days without doing an e mail...... she says: "How come I haven't had any e mail??" and others have gone out of their way to tell me how much they enjoy my e mail... or even that my e mail made their day
and still others said..... Janine.... write them down..... find a publisher!!! or at least write a blog!!!! all of this was very sweet...... but does cause some pressure to "Create"........ and so.......

"Positively Neurotic Me" was born.....

and now that it's up, and on it's feet a little......... There's more pressure to write..... to create something worth reading........

so sometimes I panic..... and go trolling through other people's blogs for the proverbial inspiration.....

and I generally come out empty handed.....

What are people writing about????

Babies........

I'm having a particularly bad "DRY" spell at present..... so I gave about 2 seconds thought to putting the old uterus back into "Production"..... just to have some new material.......

Then I remembered a few brutal facts of life...........

1........ it is the "Old" uterus.......... it's done 5 tours of duty..... and if anyone or anything deserves combat pay..... it's my uterus...... and I can't afford it.......

2..... I don't know about the shelf life of chickens eggs...... But I figure in human years, my eggs must be about Methuselah's age........... This cannot be good.........

3.......... The "Perks" of Morning Sickness, hemorrhoids, and the "Natural Childbirth ( from Hell) Experience"..............

4........ Babies are misleading.......... they start out as these tiny little adorable bundles, that you'd lay down and die for...........

and than they have the nerve to turn into people...... with mouths.........

and they do VERY unadorable things..... and you not only have to confess to having given Birth to them.... you're also expected to love them, no matter how they act...........

This is grossly unfair, and I think Mothers everywhere should be given a union..........

5..... where exactly does one find willing sperm in Northern Maine??? If it's not in the Frozen Food Section at Wal Mart, I'm out of luck............

6...... I had my plumbing "Renovated" after Colt was born

7...... By the time the kid was ready for high school, I'd be ready for Social Security.........

okay..... babies are out....

What else are people writing about?????

cooking................

uh HUH.........

I've burned water, AND blown up Minute Rice..........

if there's one thing I'd like to say to my ex... ever.... it's this.....

Thanks for the cooking, dude.....

seriously.........

and, yes...... I'm afraid the rumors are true......

I didn't marry you for your body........

I married you for your pizza......

I've become legendary for my domestic prowess.........

Jodi: ( in shop n' save as I was looking over a pot pie )

"You know......... that's gonna require turning on the oven".....

this is why I never go into the supermarket alone.........

A.... it's one of life's more traumatic experiences and requires support......

and B.... I need someone to point out the obvious.......

alright, we can take cooking off the inspiration list..........

moving along.......

Knitting or crocheting..............

This requires using sharp, hooky, things...........

and I'm guessing something resembling hand/eye coordination, also would not hurt..........

okay....... on hand/eye coordination.......

I was given many abilities in life...... sadly........ this was not one of them.........

My mother ( who loves me unconditionally) summed it up best a couple of summers ago..........

Roseanne and I were getting ready to go mountain climbing......

and during a moment of pure insanity, I let this slip to my mother..........

The same woman who didn't want me crossing the street by myself until my 16th Birthday..........

To say she did not take it well, is the understatement of the century....

"JANINE MARIE, HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN THE FACT THAT YOU CAN'T CLIMB DOWN A SET OF STAIRS????!!!!!!!!!!"

she had me there..........

also, I am visited frequently by both The "PMS Monster", AND his big brother, The "Menopause Maniac"...........

I never know which personality I'm gonna be.......

so, things with hooks????? not a good idea...........

and all that, folks, is why the rest of the world writes intelligent, well put together blogs...........

And I...... write about pap smears, mammograms, cadbury cream eggs, the world's most disobedient cats, and getting drunk, and falling down on a dance floor..... in front of my doctor.......

Add on...

I'm told they've "Misplaced" Michael Jackson's body........

How is this even possible???

How does one "Misplace" an entire human body?????

Even one skinny enough to fall through a sewer grate???

You don't suppose Elvis is holding it hostage somewhere, do you???

( okay, I just grossed myself out.. eww..)

Maybe they should check the zoo....

"Do I Have To Repeat Myself"???

2009-07-22T07:36:00.000-07:00

Yes, I do have to repeat myself.... Cause I have nothing this morning!

Repeated e mail from February 2, 2008.....

Does anyone else remember the great "HYDROGENATED OIL DEBACLE", of a couple of years ago????? Hydrogenated oil became the biggest thing in Roseanne's life..... and subsequently, it also became the biggest nightmare in my life.....

She "DISCOVERED", that my diet consisted mainly of "HYDROGENATED OIL"........

in fact, Parts of me are undoubtedly, currently, being held together by Hydrogenated Oil.......

This should hardly have come as a surprise......

to most of us, anyway.......

But Roseanne was relentless........

She'd put up the cry of: "It has HYDROGENATED OIL IN IT"!!!!! in every public area she could find........ and using the same tone Paul Revere used when he had to announce the British were coming........

No Sh@T, Magellan........ ya ever stop to think maybe hydrogenated oil is what gives it TASTE????

needless to say...... we were NOT pretty together, out there in the public...........

then came the Hostess Pudding Pies...........

I found Hostess Pudding Pies ( CHOCOLATE PUDDING PIES, to be exact.....)

They could have listed Cyanide as the main ingredient.... and I still would have ingested them....... One look at my determined face convinced Roseanne, that it was either run for the dueling pistols, or do the more humane thing, and let me kill myself with the pies........

but she was not at her happiest.....

"I don't believe you, I don't believe you, I don't believe you".............

I almost had to tell the cashier she'd missed her morning meds........

When we got to the van, I celebrated my victory by reading her the ingredients.............. ( this is known as throwing the loser a bone..)

it started with something like Animal fat, or Animal drippings...........

Roseanne turned a sort of light, emerald green, ( it would have been sort of pretty... if it wasn't on a human face....)

rolled down a window.... and said in a weak tone.......

"Don't....... Don't read anymore"............

I gave an "Okey Dokey" shrug, and ripped into one of those suckers.....

Roseanne found her strength again.....

"Oh my GOD!!!!!! You're not SERIOUSLY going to put that into your MOUTH"!!!!!!??????

you can all probably guess the ending..........

I could have pasted one on each hip........

But I prefer to ingest my fat the fun way.....

via the taste buds.......

Yesterday, ( like 3 days ago...... I'm slow) MSN listed the 20 worst supermarket foods out there.........

Yeah........

I checked it out..........

Hostess Chocolate Pudding Pie (1 pie)

520 calories
45 g sugars
24 g fat (14 g saturated, 1.5 g trans)
Skip past the enriched flour and water on the ingredient list and here's what you get: animal shortening, corn syrup, high-fructose corn syrup, sugar, modified corn starch, butter, chocolate liqueur, and so on. Any one of these ingredients alone might prompt you to raise an eyebrow, but taken together they should invoke a gag reflex and a sprint for something far healthier.

Gag reflex...... how mean................ and maybe it's just me............ but what exactly is wrong with Chocolate liqueur???? Chocolate, and a proponent of booze........... and the problem IS????????????

oh........ And by the way.......... "Chickie"??????? Do you happen to remember that cadbury cream egg you were ready to kill me over, or at least end our friendship over if I didn't hand it over.... for YOUR consumption??????? HYDROGENATED OIL............

"Somewhere Over The Med Cart".......

2009-07-21T06:19:00.000-07:00

It began in a job center........

It began with Resumes I had no idea how to make out, confidence I was sorely lacking, and the stomachache from He%^.......

It began with desperate need......... ( We all like eating, and sleeping indoors, right??? well.... a job is sort of necessary in this department )

It began purely by accident..........

Nice lady at Job center: "You're a CNA"!!!!!

( Say, WHAT????)

I'd been making the rounds of every fast food restaurant in sight......

Food is safe..........

Food doesn't breath, or talk back..........

Me: "I'm NOT a CNA"...............

Nice Lady: ( looking considerably less nice)

"YOU. TOOK. A. CLASS."...........

And I did well...... ( very well) with the bookwork........

I love books.... They don't talk back, either..........

But applying what I learned to actual human beings????? ( fairly helpless people who needed help in performing the daily tasks that their bodies and minds would no longer let them complete???? That's a job for an expert...)

That's a job for someone capable of keeping a houseplant alive.....
( spider plants CAN be killed in the right hands... did you know that???)

I repeated myself: ( In case she didn't hear me the first time)

"Yes...... But I'm NOT a CNA..... I've never used it".........

( would you send someone with a learners permit out to the Indy 500???)

Nice Lady: ( all done with the nice)

"Go See ------ , over at ------------, she's looking for CNA's".....

I'm not a CNA..........

Whatever... You've been warned.....

it was with trepidation, a borrowed coat, and a new hair cut, that I walked through the doors of the Nursing Home for the first time.......

I didn't know it would become my second home........

I didn't know it would become my salvation.........

I didn't know that I would, in fact, become a CNA........

I didn't know that through the work done there ( a job done well), I would discover parts of myself I didn't know existed........

The component parts.......

The confident parts.......

I would find more of life's: "Most Wonderful Women".... in the shapes of co-workers, friends, and even a couple of residents who took small pieces of me when they passed on....

and the most amazing DON in history.......

A woman who gave me a job........

( against my better judgement, but what do I know???)

A woman who become my mentor......

A Role Model.........

A friend.........

A woman I've known as a boss, a nurse, a mother, A phenomenally strong woman....

I've been lucky......

( and I'm not even looking for a raise)

This feels like the moment I point out that I have been blessed in my journey thus far........

I haven't always had life's "Nicest" experiences ( who hasn't had the bad times??)

but my bad times have brought me some of the finest, best people, that the earth has to offer........

people that raise me up......

and make me aspire to be better than I ever thought possible......
( if your name appears in the dedication line at the top of this blog..... well... you all know the drill)

This commercial has been brought to you by "Hallmark"....

( a channel I clearly watch too much of)

Tomorrow's "Regular" programming will return, well... TOMORROW...

Today I'm scared.......

Today I walk through the nursing home doors, much like I did on that first afternoon......

eyes half shut, holding my breath.......

Scared out of mind...........

Today I AM NOT A MED TECH......

I took a class..........

I have a piece of paper, declaring I AM a Med Tech.......

I still like books better.........

and I still kill houseplants........

I hate change........

Yet I've been embracing everything "Changy" lately......

( I think it has something to do with a lack of estrogen...)

Back when they changed the face of Coke I wondered why there wasn't an 800 number for people like me......

If I can't find my "Sea breeze Secret Gel Roll On" at the market.......

if all they have is "Passion Peach".......

I need to be talked down off the ledge....... ( I have a support system in place, for just such emergencies...)

I DON'T DO CHANGE

yet.........

Growth and change.......

these are the things I've been seeking lately.....

The things I strive for.........

Maybe it's the swine flu?????????

I repeat....

I am not a Med Tech......

Making Something Out Of Nothing At all...

2009-07-20T05:27:00.000-07:00

taken from an e mail... shortly after I had my Gallbladder removed

"Have you been on the exercise bike"??????

( guess who thinks this would be good therapy?? )

God forbid I ever lapse into a coma, or end up on life support.............

I can hear Roseanne, now..........

"You've got your color back..... let's go to the gym......... This machine is portable, right"????

I tried to point out to her that she shouldn't be picking on the weakened, just barely post op people..... and I tried to further my argument with this case......

Me:

"And.... How do we know that I didn't suffer brain damage during surgery"??????

Roseanne:

"Oh my God....... Please don't make me say it"......

Some days I make it just like fishing in an aquarium.............

It's a talent....

"This is the song that never ends".... ( Dear Daughter In Law Part 3....)

2009-07-17T17:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Daughter In- Law........

Did my son propose on one knee????

Does he take off his hat in public????

Does he still love the band "Korn"?????? ( do they even still exist??)

Does he still have to have his milk straight from the fridge??? ( on the way to the table.... I don't think that boy ever drank a glass a milk that was more than 20 seconds old...)

Is he still afraid of the dark???

Does he still kick the covers off???

Is a hoodie still his favorite piece of clothing??? ( please tell me you talked him into a tuxedo for today.......)

Does he still love The Boston Bruins, and Shepard's Pie??

What kind of man did he turn into????

Has he recited the entire plot of "Howard The Duck" for you yet??????
( 993 times we had to watch that movie.... Now THAT'S what you call motherly love, to say nothing of sacrifice....)

Tell me the drugs are gone.........

Tell me the smile is back in his eyes.......

Dear, Michael Shawn.........

The first time I ever felt you move inside of me was on an early January afternoon, in 1984......

I was sitting in my parents den, watching "As The World Turns"..... ( Marissa Tomei was on........ did you know she started out on there?)

when with a flutter, and a tiny thump, your little foot found my uterine wall.....

announcing your presence........

changing my World.......

Forever............

up until that day you'd simply been an idea...........

One I was looking forward to, the way one might anticipate a party......

You were making Chinese food impossible..........

You were the growing "Bump" that was making my size 10 jeans a distant memory.........

You were an increased bra size......... ( like I needed that..... Thanks, kiddo......)

and in the space of a second and a half..... with my heart in my throat.....

You became "Real"

You became a person

You became "Mine"...........

( our children are only lent to us.... but you'll understand all you need to know about the desire to "Hold On"..... as you watch your firstborn blow out the candles on his first Birthday cake, board his first bus, or pedal his first "Big Boy" bike....... away from you........)

The small cuts and bumps will fill your heart with fear.........

But the "Boos Boos" that can't be fixed with a simple band aid.......

Those are the ones that will take a piece of your own heart with them........

The bullies, the first girlfriend, the drug addiction you didn't see coming........

those will get you between the eyes..........

I've asked myself ( repeatedly ) this week......... If bailing you out that time.... if giving in and handing over the money to get you "Out Of Trouble" would have earned me a seat to your wedding today.......

and would it have been worth it???????

I'm going to surprise you here, son.........

NO..........

It would not have been worth it.....

I may not have been able to save you from yourself.....

To keep you from ruining your body, and risking your life all for the sake of the next high......

To keep you from possibly killing yourself.....

But I'll be damned if I was going to help you do it......

I love you, ( and your sister, and brothers) more than I ever loved myself......

Those parts of my heart walking around outside of my body...... ( it's a quote... but it works)

For that reason, and for many others you'll understand with time.....

I wanted you to understand that your actions have consequences........

I wanted you to understand that ALL people deserve respect.....

I wanted you to stand on your own two feet......

Not because I didn't love you.........

But because I loved you so much, it took my breath away.......

It humbled me.......

it scared the SH@% out of me........

it's called Parenthood.....

and sometimes it's hard.........

sometimes it downright "Su@#s"........

but in the end........

You wouldn't give it up, you wouldn't change a thing........

But why spoil the surprise???

You'll find out........

25 years ago, on a last mighty push.... I felt your little body leaving the sanctuary my body had provided.......

I felt the "Slip" as you entered the world........

I knew that so many things were now going to be beyond my control.....

I watched your milestones through the years......

Never dreaming that one day you would stand up and promise to "Love, Honor, And Obey"........

And I wouldn't be there.......

so what to say to you... on this..... your Wedding Day????

"The Song That Never Ends" came immediately to mind........

You drove me to distraction with it.........

you taunted, giggled, and ran through the house with it... carrying an innocence that would be gone all too soon......

"This is the song that never ends..... It just goes on and on my friend....
some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because........

This is the song that never ends"..........

vacant thoughts from a vacant mind....... not a good combo....

2009-07-17T07:36:00.000-07:00

Where do all the lost socks go to die???? Is there a sock heaven?

When did wearing pajama's in public become acceptable behavior??? ( pajama's in the middle of the produce section........ which they tend to keep a touch on the cold side...)

cold plus untethered parts of a middle aged body....... is not a pretty sight........

and around food????

please............

why aren't there leashes for teenagers?????

( or at least a muzzle..... they have those "Heart" traps for mice..... so I know this could be done..... MOSTLY humanely......... )

why are conclusions so easy to jump to????

yet..... put an escalator in front of me, and I freeze solid........ ( can't even speak...... seriously )

why haven't they invented a chocolate vegetable yet?????

What is MSG and WHY is it so bad for me?????

If I get in an accident and die in holey underwear........ will I really only be remembered as the: "Girl Who needed new underwear"????

That's just mean.........

( I've been thinking about that one since yesterday...... Yeah...... Some of us need a life......... )

Why is bungee jumping so popular????

where is the thrill in watching the ground rushing towards your face......

at like 112 miles per hour??????

What happens if the cord breaks????

I'll tell you what......

I'll bet it involves shovels and Ziploc bags......

plastic has never been my best look.... so I'll pass......

Thanks, anyway.......

Why is the Express line three times as slow as the "Regular" line???

A special note to: THE PEOPLE WHO CARRY COUPONS.......

Your world will NOT stop spinning if you can't find your "10 Cents Off Panty Liners", coupon.........

However.......

if you're in front of me.........

and you're having your own semi private little breakdown over your coupon holder???

And the line is now backed up through the hardware section????

YOUR LIFE IS IN SERIOUS DANGER ........

I have PMS...... and I carry sharp things.......

but, hey???????

the coupon holder????

Very cute......

Did you make that yourself, or have you been shopping at QVC???

The Mother In - Law Diaries.... and so it continues....

2009-07-16T05:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Daughter In - Law......

It seems like there is so much to say to you.....

I'm struggling between sage advice, and pleading......

( and let's face it....... I feel much too young for "Sage" advice giving..... but for you.... and for my beloved firstborn..... I'll give it a shot.....)

Be kind..... he's my baby...........

( actually..... the best thing you can do for yourselves.... for your marriage...... is to be kind and respectful of each other.... at all times..... including those times he's left the toilet seat up at 2 Am.... and the times you may have blown up Minute Rice........ trust me, Dear Daughter In- Law.... it can be done....)

The first time they put him in my arms, I knew what true terror felt like.....

I Knew.... just knew...... before the nurse had even left the room... that if anything were to happen to this tiny person.... ANYTHING.... ever.... ( including paper cuts) That I would need a Valium to get through it.......

He was 8 pounds 2. Oz. 21 inches long...... He'd been on the earth 45 minutes......

I hadn't unwrapped him yet, and I was already wondering how lenient their "Return Policy" was..........

for his sake, not mine.......

Surely there must me someone far more qualified than I, for this.........

I was 18........ ( yes, Dear daughter in law.... there was premarital sex...... which lead to a baby.......... which lead to marriage.... and that's an entirely different story.......)

I made the decision to have my baby.......

To keep my baby............

I was young......

I was naive...........

I was completely Unprepared.........

The space between "Pregnancy", and "Motherhood" is a chasm wider than the Grand Canyon..........

My little "Tourist" had arrived, after nine months, and 39+ hours of labor......

I was to be his "Tour Guide" through this minefield called life........

Some one's Mom........

for the rest of my life......

8 months before I could barely be persuaded to make my own bed......

The irony was not lost on me as I tried to get my 45 minute old newborn to "Latch On" for the first time.........

As we stared warily at each other........

Him with the: "Uhhh..... Mom??? Are you sure you know how to use this thing"????

( Mammary glands don't come with instructions either......)

and me with the: "What in the HE%^ do I do NOW"?????!!!!!

Babies can smell fear........

So I tried to calm us both down with a promise......

"It'll be okay....... I swear......... I'll learn......"

my tiny son, born with the wisdom I'd never have, looked in my direction, with his beautiful, unfocused, blue eyes.......

"Yeah, Yeah, Yeah...... Whatever......... Do you at least have cable"??

Michael and I grew up through my learning by error.........

( if you get a boy..... don't wear your favorite shirt while diapering him........ they can hit a moving target.... from 300 paces.......)

Breastfeeding IS a beautiful experience.....

and I do recommend it........

I just caution you in a couple of areas.......

First........

a six day old infant has absolutely no concept of "Sleep".....

That beautiful, family heirloom bassinet????

The one you looked high and low for the perfect liner for??? ( spent 2 months of your life searching for, actually..............)

Don't waste your time.........

invest in a 2 month long nap, instead.........

because the baby will only be happy when attached to you....... ( I mean this quite literally.... think human slurpee machine.......)

Take lactation classes.......... ( don't assume that just because it's your body... you'll know what to do with it...... because your baby will have other ideas......)

You can never be too prepared.....

but no matter how much you prepare..........

I'm sorry to tell you, Darling Daughter In - Law........

It will never be enough.......

The world will stop...... ( along with your heart...)

The day he takes his first unsteady steps.......

As you deafen a telemarketer, Screaming into a phone: OH my GOD!!!!!! he's WALKING!!!"

you'll learn...... slowly........

That not EVERY sneeze is an occasion for a trip to the ER.....

With the first child you have the ER on speed dial for colic.........

With the second you've graduated to: "Is there blood"????

With the third it's: "How MUCH blood is there"????

and by child number four you're all the way up to: "That looks like it can be cauterized"..........

When my son is being impossible.........

And I'm here to tell you.... I love him through a Mother's Eyes........ but he can be impossible......

I ask you to remember he had: "Hysterical Mommy"........

The other kids had more: "Laid Back Mommy"....

"If you're going to kill each other..... could you go do it in the other room??? Guiding light is on"............

He made me laugh, and scream, and cry..........

He made me a Mom.........

somewhere between "Hysterical Mommy" and "Laid Back Mommy" lives: "Perfect Mommy"......

if you find her.....

give her my number.......

To be continued, Dear Daughter In - Law.....

We still have to discuss all the recipes I WON'T be handing down to you.....

( you're getting gypped in this department....... If it can't be found in frozen food.... or better yet...... Pizza Hut..... I don't want to talk about it...)

I'll never show you how to make a bed using perfect hospital corners......

or tell you that my darling son can't possibly sleep on un-ironed sheets...

If you're looking for lessons on the proper way to use starch.......

keep trucking........

If you'd like to hear about life lived the "Realistic" way.......

Come on back, and we'll chat over a frozen margarita....

The Mother In- Law Diaries

2009-07-12T15:11:00.000-07:00

A letter to my soon to be Daughter In - Law....

I'll never come to your house wearing the White Gloves.... ( dust inspection)

But, please feel free to come dust my house.... Anytime...

I'll never tell you you're not good enough for my son.......

I loved him first..........

But you'll love him last........

Your future husband was my firstborn......

He didn't come with instructions..... ( and I looked for them... believe me)

His first case of hiccups brought me to levels of hysteria I didn't know I was capable of........

We grew up together.........

I don't think he ever knew what it felt like to have a diaper put on the "Correct Way".....

His first sentence might have been: "No More, Mama".....

( he had the only mother on the block who couldn't carry a tune)

He got his first haircut at age 3.......

He was a little soldier about it.....

I cried for 4 days...... ( and I accepted the lollipop he didn't want...... it didn't help...)

He got on a school bus at age 5.....

His little legs looked too small for the steps......

He never looked back......

I cried for 4 days........

one of my favorite memories......

He was all of 4.........

I was pregnant ( hugely pregnant) with his brother......

I was fighting to get supper into his baby sister... ( little miss: "Do it MYSELF"!!!! )

Me: "Mikey...... Eat your supper hun, it's getting cold".....

Mikey: ( little fists cupped on his chin.. classic thinker )

" Mama....... I understand you have a baby inside of you".........

( this is what happens when you drag out books, and try and get technical with a four year old..... )

..... "But there's just a couple of things I Don't understand, Mama....."

( there's no place to go but DOWN with this.....)

............ "How did the baby get in there in the first place.... and how's it gonna get out"?????

The sweetest sentence in the human language????

"Ask your father, hun"...........

( ever watched a grown man trying to swallow his own tongue... around a mouthful of peas?????)

He could always make me laugh.........

Even on the worst days, and in the worst moments......

My Michael could find the funny in it.....

And now "MY" Michael Becomes "Your" Michael......

I gave him life........

But you'll bring him new life.........

in the shape of little people, that will be my grandchildren.....

( and yes... I'm selfish.... I hope every single one of them has his smile.....)

I turned my back for a second......

A single second........

and when I turned back around....

My baby was talking to me, with his father's voice.......

I thought the day he stopped believing in Santa was bad......

And now he's becoming a "Husband".........

When did he get old enough????

When did I??????

"Places You Never Want To Hear UH OH"........

2009-07-09T12:31:00.001-07:00

The doctors office......

Right after he's inserted the speculum......

This could be followed by a call to 911....... to check on the availibility of "The Jaws Of Life"............

Talk about your ruined weekends......

The Dentists office.......

Where "UH OH" is code for:

"This is going to hurt, and I do mean a LOT"...........

From a trusted friend.......

Where "UH OH" become code for: "You love her like a sister.... just hang onto that for the next few minutes"...... ( You're gonna need it )

When she's come to help you "Unlock" an email.....

( I couldn't open the sucker for all I was worth.... Now I know it was just God's way of saying: "Janine..... perhaps you'd better try excelling at coloring between the lines..... before we talk about the computer"..... live and learn)

and not only can she not unlock it, or whatever..... ( which, in itself was a blow.... because until then... I thought she could do everything.... including walking on water)

but the computer is now performing tricks.......... ( and not the good kind like fetching my paper...)

( I don't remember exactly..... There were flashing lights.... or maybe that was just me.... ready to pass out...... )

She turns to me, and says........ ( looking for all the world like she's gonna cry...... or laugh...... or perhaps she was trying for innocent...... and for the first and only time I'm here to tell her...... she MISSED )

"Ummm.... You don't mind the computer doing that......... Do you?????

I am very fond of this girl..... ( Code For: I let her live )

What I said.......... "Oh...... No, No....... not at all......... ( and in an itsy bitsy little voice...) But can you make it stop now......... PLEASE"??? ( Before I stop....... you know, breathing.......)

What I MAY have been thinking.......

"Mind????? Why would I MIND????!!!! let's start on the TV next".........

( it should be noted here, that this girl has never once maimed, killed, or blown up a computer...... And I....... Have done all 3.......... so we're back to: she walks on water...... While I struggle to color between the lines, and spell my name correctly....)

and my favorite place to hear an "Uh OH"...............

From my instuctors mouth as she was looking over my test...........

and to add insult to injury......

it was followed by an "Ewwwww".............

Does anybody know how to spell "Resume' "?????

or "Resigned"???????

"Pink Slip"????

( I guess that one's self explanatory.... it's color coded...... )

The Doughnut That Was Not Meant To Be......

2009-07-07T18:07:00.000-07:00

on Hiatus till homework is done..... ( Clinicals, a test, the big state test, and "Graduation" to get through before next Wednesday.....) So I'm trolling through the old emails again..... Here's a pip......

Roseanne is still pretty proud of having, temporarily, saved me from myself...... still talking about it.......... The other day she called me..... I didn't make it to the phone before the machine picked up, and I heard......
"Hi...... Jen and I are going out to eat".........

and I lunged for the phone.........

Roseanne: "Let me guess............ You heard the word, EAT".............

ME: "Damn, Skippy...... I pole vaulted a cat"..........

so off to travelers we went to meet Jen..... ( Jen used to be our supervisor..... she's funny.... she's nuts.......... and I love her to pieces, cause I can relate...... :-) )

first we had to go through the ordeal of ordering in front of Roseanne..... ( actually, I had to... Jen got there ahead of us and she knows better than to attempt a poor food choice in front of SOME people...)

"Can I get that Burger rare"????????

"Why don't you just go bite a cow, Janine"?????

Roseanne begins regaling Jen with her lifesaving tale........

Roseanne:

"I brought her into the produce section..... she's got all these WONDERFUL choices in front of her"........

Me: ( Quietly )

"She knows produce makes me sweat".........

Roseanne:

"She's got an ENTIRE market of good choices in front of her..... and WHAT does she choose"???????

A blind person can see this ending coming........

Roseanne continues:

"DOUGHNUTS........!!!!!!!!!! "

she said "Doughnuts" the way one would refer to the black plaque, cooties, or rat poison.........

and, I, ....... hearing that lovely, magical, mythical, word.........

broke into quiet sobbing..... right there at the table...........

Roseanne continues........

"And she actually thought she was going to get them into the cart.......... can you BELIEVE it"??????

I explained to Jen, in a quiet, quivering voice:

"They were Entenmanns........... Chocolate Devil's Food Crumb".......

( I was trying my best to be brave.... but honestly.... if she keeps this up.... I'm gonna need an inhaler........)

Roseanne:
"The girl JUST had SURGERY!!!!!!!! she had a part of her body taken out.... why anyone in her condition would want to subject themselves to a
dough........"

Me:

"STOP TALKING ABOUT THE DAMN DOUGHNUTS, CAN'T YOU SEE I'M STILL IN MOURNING, HERE"???!!!!!!!!!!

and THAT...... would be why we're probably not allowed back in Travelers, any time in the foreseeable future.........

"You Wear It Well"......

2009-07-06T09:45:00.000-07:00

I have spent the majority of my life surrounded by people under 4 feet tall.....

Not "Little People", mind you........

Actual Children......

Mine, and other people's.....

I started babysitting at age 11, and never looked back....

I've always considered myself pretty "Kid Friendly"......

Plus, I was 41 years old before I ever dared swear in my Father's house, and that was an accident..... ( post for another day)

So imagine my surprise this morning when I discovered that this blog is rated NC-17..... ( I had to look it up........ I didn't even know what that was..... shouldn't that tell the "Gods Of Rating" SOMETHING about my general character???)

Apparently. Not.

It's my own fault......

I saw a rating over at my Bloggy Friend's "Housewife Savant" 's blog..... http://housewifesavant.blogspot.com/

A shiny new button to play with.....

I wanted one.......

"Monkey see... Monkey Do"... and all that.....

Also..... "Housewife" was an "R", I think....

Curiosity compelled me to wonder: "What Am I"????

I know....... common sense, and general life experience, should have taught me.... long ago.......

That when you have to ask..........

The answer is never good.......

Dusting off my dunce cap, and skipping over there anyway......

You put your info in, and wait while the "Ratings Gods" go take a "Naked" look at your blog.......

Next time I'm just going to invite them into the bathtub with me......

The verdict came back........

NC-17 for the following offenses.....

Hell ( x7.... make that 8 )

Okay........... I don't think I've referred to Hell 7 times.... whoops...... NINE

Hands in the air, pleading: "Guilty As Charged"........

So try spending the day with a colicky baby, and no Frosting in the house.......

and then come back and talk to me........... ( you'll be a wiser person..... I assure you)

moving along......

Death x2

Dying x7

I know that at times I am a morose little soul........ ( especially on those very special, circled in red days, on my calendar)

But, and you'll pardon the pun here.....

this seemed like "Overkill", even for me..........

I take the stand in my own defense.......

I'm a CNA...... ( Certified Nurses Assistant.... soon to be a med tech.... YAY!!!)

I work with elderly people......

I've seen Death come for people.........

Seen it in all of it's many forms......

The Painful, The Heart breaking, The Peaceful, and, yes..... Even The Beautiful.. ( trust me)

I've held sobbing wives and daughters in my arms.......

Sometimes I forget myself, and cry with them.........

It makes me human, and certainly a better CNA in the end.....

I've learned some things along the way.......

The most important???

Death is a lot like Sh@T.........

IT. HAPPENS.

Ignoring it will not make it go away........

( I've tried this with my bills, the bathroom scale, and my Ex...... I'm here to tell you...... IT. DOES. NOT. WORK. )

I understand wanting to protect your children at all costs..........

I've had my heart in my throat, watching my baby learn to walk.....( away from me.....)

I'm just saying......

That by the time a child is old enough to turn on a computer, and stumble across my blog....... ( Parental Controls, People..... they're a marvelous thing.... of course.... children are the only ones capable of programming them.....)

Say,by age 15........

A child should have a general under standing of the concept "Death"

He or she has hopefully been enlightened......

"Goldie The Goldfish" is not floating belly up on the top of the bowl, because she has gone on an "Extended Vacation"..........

She has completed her circle of life, and it is time for a reverent flushing ceremony.......

moving along......

To my very favorite.........

BREAST x 1 ............

Those of you who know me in "Real Life" probably know where this is headed........

You're free to go grab a coffee......

To my new bloggy friends.......

my loyal readers.... ( I LOVE typing that..... :-) )

This is me..........

all me..... all the time.........

Cover your eyes if you must ( If you're a man.... I strongly suggest it right about now)

Ready......???

To The Gods Of All Things Ratings..........

Lean in close..........

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.......

I. AM. A. WOMAN.

I. HAVE. BREASTS.

SOMETIMES. I. LIKE. TO. TALK. ABOUT. THEM.

It's purely a girl thing.........

Come on back next week.....

I'll be bragging up my pap smear......

YES......

I am NC-17.........

I've earned it.........

And I wear it proudly...

( Footnote....... BREAST???? Singular????? My girls are a matched set....... they go places together....... I've never singled one out for favoritism..... I'm sure I could win an appeal on this angle....)

"Gods Of All Things Ratings"......

You're dismissed....

Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.....

"To Whom It May Concern".....

2009-07-05T20:14:00.000-07:00

I've seen this done a lot lately.... and I had done one in an email to friends.... Since I have NOTHING blogworthy tonight because I am in a crunch with my class, and need to concentrate on that.... Here's my version of "Dear Everybody".....

Dear Grey's Anatomy Writers....
You ticked me off.... AND made me cry with that ending....
Just thought you should know.... Bring back at least one of the "Ghosts".... and no one gets hurt......... ( don't make me choose.....)
I have an idea...... make the whole thing a dream...... They did it on "Dallas"....... I don't care how you do it..... Just fix it......

Signed...... a menopausal fan, who's about to turn to reruns of "ER" for comfort.............

Dear Stomach.........
I don't know if you got the memo........ so let me help...... My Gallbladder??????? Is GONE....... and further more...... IT. IS. NOT. COMING. BACK. Deal with it....... And keep in mind???? The last internal organ I had who made me unhappy....... I had promptly removed....... Don't make me come down there..............

Signed..... Your fed up, and power hungry host

Dear People over at "Cook Yourself Thin"........

Several Things............. First........ Kudos for getting me to turn you on in the first place......... with dirty words like "Cook" and "Thin" in your title......... This never should have happened.......... This is me, after all, and I am.... if not religiously opposed, I am, at least morally opposed to those words..... on principle...............
Still..... I find myself tuning in to your show............

okay.... again...... this is me........ and your show comes on at 5............ and there is just NOTHING else on at that time..... plus..... I'm a little too lazy to actually get up and search for the remote.... or heaven help us all.... Manually change the channel..... so you and I???? We've kinda been stuck with each other..........

I have some not so constructive criticism for you....... The substituting tofu in place of actual, you know, FOOD???? It's cute, and everything.... but I don't think it's working too good for you.......

Why do I say this, you ask?????

Because the lady you had on a couple of nights ago???? Took a great big bite of your tofu...... and totally MADE A FACE.............. on national television............ This was no garden variety face , either....... it was the : "Where's a napkin, I'm gonna spit" face.....

I've had children....... I know that face..... it's not a good one.... and certainly not great PR..... but whatever..... they're your ratings..... soldier on.........

Also..... I'm supposed to root for these people..... have some empathy for them, correct?????? ( even the little lady the other night.... the one that was a size 6..... and wanted to be a size ZERO......)

Uh HUH........ Call me bitter........

I didn't work up a lot of empathy.......

I almost worked my foot through the television screen...........

You haven't had anyone on that show ( so far) over a size 10/12......

I must know............

What's the deal????

are all the actual overweight people in the world on strike???????

signed...... an overweight woman, currently searching for her remote.....

Dear Roots................
How can you POSSIBLY be going grey AGAIN????? It's only been 4 weeks........ Do you have any idea what it costs to keep you looking "Natural"????????

I can't decide which is a worse look on me.........

Grey roots......

or panhandling..............

signed....... your worthy servant....... off to search through her pocket lint, for spare change.........

Dear Exercise Bike............

I think I hate you..............

( and I heard you crying the other morning when I sat down on you.........

suck it up........... )

Signed........ Definitely NOT. A. FAN.

Dear Edy's Light Ice Cream ( cruelly trying to trick my: "used to the best" taste buds)

You're not fooling anyone........

Signed......... a bitter, trying to be healthier, and not liking the whole experience..... consumer

Dear Ben and Jerry's............

I love you.........

I miss you.............

If you were a person I think I'd probably be stalking you about now........

nuff said.......

Signed.......... Someone clearly in the throes of PMS

Dear Anonymous ( name hidden to protect the innocent.. and I hope she appreciates it, cause I totally can't spell anonymous) ............

Have you had enough retirement yet???? Cause I think maybe I've had enough.........

:-) :-)

I miss you........

but I think I may miss the Ben and Jerry's a little more...... this isn't a problem..... is it??????

Love...... Your favorite Drama Queen......

Dear everybody else..............

Have a good night!!!!!!!

Six Word Saturday

2009-07-04T15:47:00.000-07:00

My six words Saturday this week.....

What Does Freedom Mean To You?

Freedom is the ability and privilege to make all my own choices... ( even the really yucky ones )

Freedom is the knowledge that I, and only I, am responsible for myself........

( This is scary.... I can't even program the remote.... I'm gonna control my destiny????)

Freedom is the ability to understand the choices which will keep me healthy in mind, and in body......

( Milky Ways and Pepsi are NOT acceptable breakfast menu options..... unless you're six...... I checked..... I'm not..... )

Freedom is a privilege given to me long before I was ever born.......

In the lives of the men and women who sacrificed themselves so that I could one day call the land under my feet "Mine"..........

With Freedom comes peace of mind.......

( and homework....... why is there always a catch??? )

As I watch the fireworks tonight....

( in a towel..... because thanks to freedom of choice........ I'm running late..... AGAIN.....)

Where was I??

Oh, yeah, towel........

I'll put down the Milky Way long enough to give thanks to those men and women who made Freedom of choice possible.....

Thanks for the towels, Milky Ways, and above all.... Homework....

Who knew??

Did you like this post?

Go see Cate:

For more.... ( and better.... Six Word Saturdays... )

"Aww, Shucks, Andy".......

2009-07-03T03:28:00.000-07:00

This is my first award on the blog..... Which of course, means no matter how many others I have.... I'll always love it best......... :-)

It was passed to me by the wonderful "Midlife Mama" over at: "Midlife Musings"
http://midlifeandbeyond.blogspot.com/

When I read her first few posts, I thought there was a chance we may have been separated at birth.......

After reading her "10 Things" list, and her confession that she could live in "Barnes And Noble", I'm delighted.....

And CONVINCED that we were, indeed, separated at birth....

Except that I'd live in "Border's", but still.........

she delights me with her writing.....

And honors me with this.......

My first ever blog award.......

and now to the rules........

This is my first time doing this and I hope I don't screw it up... ( cause you know, I'm GOOD at that)

I fear if I have to walk anywhere near: "The land of anything resembling technical"....

That I'll wander off into the toy aisle, and never be heard from again....

that said.....

THE RULES:

-Each blogger to whom the award is given must post these requests.
-Each blogger to whom the award is given must list 10 random things about themselves and pass the award on to other recipients.
-The award recipients then need to do the same.
-Don't forget to leave a comment telling the recipient about the award.

I'm gonna start with the hardest part first.....

The bloggers I pass this on to........

Shawn......... You're not getting one....... someone else already beat me to it..... Curses on them.......... but just so everyone knows..... you were on the top of my "Think Of" list.......

I did manage to pick three........

I've decided to use this award in the spirit and encouragement of writing....

Because I love the written word, and well.... because I need more stuff to read.....

To my first two followers.........

Kaitie Jo over at: "My life as a mother and wife" http://kaitieg.blogspot.com/

and "It's my pink, It's What I think" over at: http://itsmypink.blogspot.com/

I pass this on in the hopes that you'll both get your butts back to your blogs.......

You're busy having actual lives...... aren't you????

What's it feel like????

anyway....... Kaitie you've encouraged me at every turn, and never failed to put a smile on my face........ or panic in my heart, as you asked if you could buy a hook for breaking your own amniotic sac, at The Wal Mart...........

( sure...... try the clearance bin)

Pink......... I just love your style....... The semi- organized, and maybe not that organized lists..... I just want to see more.......

I also appreciate the whole: "I've just started a blog.... NOW what do I do"?? mindset........

It's sort of like inviting 700'000 people into your undusted living room......

Do what I do........

Hand 'em all a dustcloth......... and keep writing...........

last, but not least........

Andy over at: "Finding Fairy Tales" http://findingfairytales.blogspot.com/ because she makes me gasp.......

and aspirate pepsi up my nose........

I'm gonna be on a feeding tube before it's over........

and now......

You've just been waiting for these....

"10 Random Things About Mzbehavin' ".........

1. I'm petrified of Earwigs.......... and not just a little bit...... We're talking: Stand on a chair, and have a heart attack scared, here.....

2. After spending almost my whole life as the shy kid in the back of the class, I LOVE being "MZBEHAVIN"!!

3. I always wanted to be the "Baby" cause it looked like a cakewalk compared to the oldest one......... ( anybody wanna trade??? I believe in: it's never too late)

4, I sing Broadway Show Tunes in the shower...... ( which the neighbors love, I'm sure........)

5, My most vivid Fourth Of July Memory..... Throwing up into the lap of the boy next door..... ( 5 years later he married me anyway.... not one of the brightest crayons in the box, that boy.....)

6. In third.... or maybe Fourth grade, I had a teacher who couldn't pronounce my name...... and so I became: "JA 9 " for the entire year...... because I was much too painfully shy to correct her..... I've been waiting to run into her again........ Hopefully at the nursing home......... as I put her onto a bedpan...... upside down........... Ahh.... Passive Aggressive, Thy Name Is JA 9.....

7. This blog began as E mails.......

8. I wanted to name my first daughter Shannon. My only daughter is named Heather... She has informed me she would have preferred "Rochelle".... and when she was first "Waking" from her coma, she informed the doctor that her name was "Chablis"...........

He looked at my Ex husband and I, and asked: "Is that her middle name"....???

Noooo.... I was sober when I was carrying her, thanks.......

9. I need Bi Focals.......

10. My least favorite word in the English language is Good Bye..... It breaks my heart..... every time....

till next time, "Adios"........

blank screens, blank pages, and your basically blank mind....

2009-07-01T09:30:00.000-07:00

How do you combat Writer's Block???

I chase it away with a big stick...... ( and Snicker's Bars....)

What gives you inspiration???

That depends on the day...... and my mood......

Sunsets, Babies, a walk in the rain, the smell of lilacs.......

These are good........

they're life- affirming.......

They're calming......

A band aid on the Boo Boo of life......

But I have found, that my strongest writing has come out of a little thing called experience..........

The things that bubble up from the bottom of my toes, that speak the loudest, the most eloquently.......

These things come from Anger, Fear, Loss, Survival, and Redemption.........

Once upon a time there was a young woman.........

A young woman with a fractured heart..........

and a resilient soul, that still wanted to run, to sing, to jump, to shout, to take bad and turn it into great.........

A young woman who rediscovered inner beauty in herself.........

And outer Beauty in a world she thought she'd stopped believing in.........

who rediscovered strength, laughter, hope, and belief........

in herself...........

And through the strength of women who walked beside her, behind her, and when she felt like she couldn't take another step..... in front of her............

She rediscovered all the good still in the world..........

Through their eyes.............

( if you're one of the names in the dedication at the top of this blog..... this means you..... big surprise,I know.... and if you're one of a couple of people who asked me to keep you out of the internet's eye... this also means YOU )

in an effort to share experience, hope, resilience, and yes, belief in a better tomorrow............

The young woman turned to the written word...........

There, she found an outlet........

She learned how to turn on a computer......

found her way slowly around the keyboard.......

and so her journey of healing, hope, and courage, continued.......

It began with the absurd, the ridiculous, the sublime, and yes, even the things nobody in their right minds would ever talk about.... let alone write about........

Pap smears, cadbury cream eggs, misadventures on a treadmill....

nothing was sacred.....

There was nothing that couldn't be written about......

or laughed over....

luckily........

This particular young woman has never been in her right mind, her left mind, or any other mind but the one she's comfortable with..........

The one she fought so hard to regain......

The one she's so proud of.......

she just had to show it off.......

Because it's time...........

Time to stand up and say......

Hi, world..........

My name is Janine......

I've been many things in my life........

Daughter, Wife, Mother, CNA, somewhat decent friend, I can be funny, compassionate, stubborn, opinionated, flighty, dependable, I cry at movie endings, and laugh over everything absurd thing I can find............

My latest, my favorite........

Yesterday, during break from class, we were walking.........

and we came upon a fairly common sight here in Northern Maine....

The Construction Worker/ Stop Sign Holder Guy........

This one had outdone himself......

He was in the hardhat........ and bib overalls........

and looked to be in his 11th month of pregnancy.......

Everybody piped up and said......

"There ya go, Janine"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sure this man has many fine points....... ( and help dressing )

I am also sure that:

A. He has a closetful of bib overalls...... in every color.......

B. He has a truck named "Myrtle", somewhere........

C. His mom is still cutting the edges off his sandwhich......

And D...........

He has recently been rejected as a contestant on: "My Big Fat Redneck Wedding"....

Call me jaded.....

I took one look and said.....

"Pass....... It just hasn't been that long"..........

Roseanne: "Yes, It HAS, Janine"........

Most people would say with friends like these.... who needs enemies????

I say.......

"Chickie"????? You bring out the laughter, and the absurd......

I love you, I don't tell you often enough......

Back to basics......

My name is Janine......

I have blue eyes, red hair, ( with help ) I have a soft smile, and a loud laugh......

and......

oh, yeah......

I'm a domestic Violence survivor.........

When you first walk out of the fire, the tragedy is the only thing you see......

but if you're lucky........

you move forward.......

You learn and grow....

You let go of tragedy to embrace life.......

and that tragic part becomes "Just a part"........

The part that inspires you.........

Today......

Many, many, years later........

I believe my Prince Charming is still coming........

Just, Please Lord.... Not in bib overalls....

At The Risk Of Repeating Myself......

2009-06-30T13:11:00.000-07:00

You may have noticed by now, that I am nothing, if not: "Punctuationally Challenged"....
( I also don't know if "Punctuationally" is a word...... but, oh well.....)

Comma's Periods, Semi-Colons..........

They've always seemed like good ideas.......

For OTHER people......

They get in my way, and give me headaches.......

I realize that someday I may be paying a proofreader both overtime, and Holiday pay just to get through the first paragraph of my manuscript.........

No.....

I am not independently wealthy......

But I do have an extra kidney I'm not using.......

( you CAN live with only one..... right????)

I've gotten used to the punctuation thing ( The LACK of punctuation thing)

I've skirted it, mocked it, defied it, and sometimes, blatantly walked right over it......

I would worry about it, "Someday"........

"Someday" has arrived...........

Proper English, and Neglected Periods shall have their say.......

And It Ain't gonna Be Pretty.......... ( Defiance..... gasping it's last breath....)

yesterday, I put up my post.... ( while I was supposed to be studying for my test)

And then I promptly ran into the bathroom......

To see if the Crepe Paper Skin would DARE show itself in the sanctuary of my own home.......

( it could have been poor lighting..... or an ancient mirror....)

surely, it wouldn't DARE show up in my mirror..........

It Dared.........

No ancient mirror to blame.......

I'm afraid what we have here is an ancient, Janine........

An ancient Janine who's out of Chocolate........

And Margarita Mix.........

Can life Get Much Worse........????

You'd think, that having reached middle age, semi- successfully, that I would realize.......

The answer to that is always: Why. Yes. It. Can.

Today I was glancing through yesterday's post..... ( this is called Desperately Seeking Inspiration...... does it work??? No...........)

When I spied, with my little eye................

a "Back Back"...........

as in, I advised everyone under 30 reading my blog, to go: "Back Back" to their milk and cookies.........

I'm repeating myself......

Beautiful.......

The short bus should arrive any second now......

To take me "Back Back" to building blocks, and coloring inside the lines......

catch ya all on the other side.......

"It's My Blog And I'll Cry If I Want To"......

2009-06-28T16:24:00.000-07:00

Why do Children insist on wishing me to: "Have a good day, Ma'am"!!!!!!!!!

Do they not realize that once "Ma'am" is out there, all hopes of going anywhere near a "Good Day" are in the toilet????

permanently and forever???????

Nothing makes me want to trip a bag boy quicker than a well placed: "Ma'am"

To cute, blond, perky, size zero, waitresses across America I say:

You are already tempting fate simply by standing in front of me..... All that blond perfection is pretty impossible to take.... especially on an empty stomach.....

add "Ma'am" to the mix, and you are NOT getting a tip........

Capiche????

Yes.......

I realize you're probably putting yourself through college with your tips.....

"The kindness Of Strangers", and all that.......

But you must realize.......

I made the mistake of looking into the bathroom mirror the other day, and I immediately suffered a near death experience.........

Which has left me a touch on the cranky side....

I was bent over the sink, washing my hands, and I looked up.........

I saw a sight more frightening than the Apocalypse.......

Crepe Paper Skin........

if you have no idea what I'm talking about, I think you're probably under 30......

You're too young to be reading my blog......

Kindly go back to your milk and cookies.......

When you can relate to gray hair, bi-focals against your will, and arm jiggle,
come on back........

I have tranquilizers, for that...........

Meanwhile.......

I believe........

In a higher power......

I believe.......

That I'm responsible for my actions, no matter how I feel.......

I believe that beauty or growth can be found in any situation..... You just have to look for it, sometimes.........

The simplest joys can be found in a puppy's eyes, a baby's first smile, and the clean smell of a hot shower, at the end of a long day.......

These are some of the gifts I've acquired through this thing called "Sort Of Approaching Middle Age" ( reluctantly)

They're GOOD things......

Really........

But "THE CREPE PAPER LOOK ON THE HUMAN BODY"????

call me shallow......

That's just WRONG, people...........

and when the human body in question is MINE.........

That's worse than wrong.......

When you spot "Crepe Paper Skin", in the spot where your cleavage used to be....

and you realize that this part of your body.......

The part you've always sort of taken for granted.......

This underrated, over abused part, has already suffered every indignity known to Mother Nature, and Gravity......

and now it looks like an accordion.....

with the air let out..........

My mother cautioned me on the importance of Good Posture......

Underwear Without Holes.......

and burping in public........ ( or, you know.... more specifically, NOT burping in public...... )

she conveniently left out Crepe Paper On The Boobs..........

As you have this experience... ( if you've already had it... call me... we need a drink...)

I wish for you, the comfort of doing it in the privacy of your own bathroom.......

I wasn't so lucky.....

I was at work.........

and now I was sort of screaming......

"Oh My GOOD, GOD"!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Out. Loud.

And it occurred to me, that unless I wanted a lot of unwanted company in the bathroom with me.....

I'd get control of myself.......

fast.........

that's when my oxygen deprived brain hallucinated the following scenario.....

"Where's Janine"???

"She's in the bathroom..... crying"..........

"Whys she crying"????

"I dunno...... something about her boobs..... and crepe paper........."

Yeah.

That.

Helped.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel......

I have my annual check-up next week..........

normally, my conjugal visit with the stirrups doesn't exactly flood my soul with joy......

but this time as the doctor walks into the room, armed with her devices of torture....

This time.....

payback is on my side.......

As I pull down the Barbie Sized Bib They give you to cover yourself........

point to the place where cleavage used to be......

and scream......

"Have You Got A Pill For This"??????

Okay........

So, I'm the reason Doctors opt for early retirement.....

I'm good with that.....

"Running Through Life With Child Proof Scissors"....

2009-06-28T04:14:00.000-07:00

Roseanne: "What do You MEAN, you don't know where your parents live??? What kind of human being doesn't know where her PARENTS LIVE"?????!!!!!

perhaps waiting until we were hurtling towards the Boston off ramp, to break this news, was a mistake........

Me: ( trying for contrite..... I missed.....)

"Well, of COURSE I know where they live!!!!! ............ I Just don't kinda know how to get there"..............

Down to your: "Phone A Friend" option on "Who Wants To Be Millionare"???

A word of advice.......

Don't call me......

I'm over here, struggling with buttons, zippers, and chasing the rabbit through the hole, on my shoelaces.......

send help........ ( and money)

In the drugstore: ( Roseanne.... searching for a map.... or a drink.....)

"DID YOU FIND A MAP"??????!!!!!!!

A smart person would have produced the map........

or the inventor of the Atlas............

I found something better......... ( and I wanted to share)

"I FOUND SUGAR BABIES"!!!!!!

and was she happy for me????

let me put it to you this way......

If they ever decide to make murder legal.........

I'd better learn to run, a LOT faster..........

meanwhile.......

I'm off to dust my sneakers.....

and work on that whole: "Chasing the rabbit through the hole", thing......

my life in six words ( and small remedial bits)

2009-06-27T09:59:00.000-07:00

Can A life be summed up with six words???

Especially by: "The Queen of Ramble", and: " The Princess Of The Run On Sentence"?

I don't know.....

But I liked the idea, so I'm giving it a shot.....

I got the idea "HERE" : over at Cate's blog..... "Show My Face"....

And "HERE's" where I go all technical, and attempt to give her the credit she's due....

Cate......

In case that didn't work.....

You need to know something....
maybe several somethings......

A. It takes specific, written, instruction ( and pictures) for me to open the child proof cap on my Motrin........

B. I've made computers cry....... ( and smoke.... and scream........)

C. I never miss being married...... until something breaks.........

D. I'm still using child proof scissors..........

E. I've never gotten behind the wheel of a car without running it into something.....

( but never SOMEONE.... I feel I should be given credit in this area)

F. I've always suspected I would do better with the Japenese instructions..

G. I was 30 years old before I figured out that "Scotty" was NOT going to appear in my microwave oven, to beam me up to a better life.....
( Your loss, "Scotty" )

H. If I could train the cats to put the new batteries in my remote control, I would.......

( the last time the cover had to come off the back of the remote, it involved a butter knife....... and band aids..........)

I. My part siamese ( Ebony) can open and close all the cabinets, open the cat carrier, and type faster than me.......

( meanwhile...... I can't program the clock on my oven..... Please, God...... In my next life let me come back as a cat......)

All that said.........

Cate.... I tried......

Pleaee don't come after me.......

I don't know you........

But something tells me you could outrun me.........

Oh......

does anybody want to see my six words??

Getting it right...... Step By Step........

Ironic......

ain't it??????