Those life- Altering slices of life...

first posted in June....





My second born, my only daughter, my Heather......

Heather has always been......

A whirlwind of stubbornness, strength, pure will, and impish good cheer..........

Heather entered the world on a crest of noise and enthusiasm.......

and she never stopped for 16 years......

She was an energetic bundle of constant noise and motion.............

until November 1, 2004...............

I'd had one of those horrifying, heart- stopping, before dawn, phone calls.......

I heard words like: "Head Injury", "Airlifted To The Hospital", "You need to come"...... and......

"We don't know"................

Don't know...............

There are some words you never want to hear when it's your child........

"Don't Know", is definitely in the top 3............

"Don't Know", began one of the longest journey's I ever experienced as a mother............

"Don't Know", became a mantra, a prayer, a scream........

"Don't Know", does not begin to prepare you for the sight of your beautiful child hooked up to machines........

"Don't Know" is cold comfort in a pediatric ICU......

But sometimes.......

Sometimes, "Don't Know" is all we have to hang onto to...........


While the rest of the world goes on around you......


and you're caught in the limbo of: "Don't know".....


You still manage to revel in the small things......

The smell of the apple shampoo, and the feel of the terrycloth towel, as the nurse and I washed my baby's hair on the third day.......

the feel of her silky, sweet hair, between my fingertips, as I brushed her hair out into a fan on the pillow......

My little "Sleeping Beauty"...........

and somewhere along the way.....

"Please", joins "Don't Know", in your prayers, and the cries at 2 Am, when no one else can see...............

"Please" joins endless talk, and rounds of song.........


"Please" , follows you around the corridors of the hospital, corridors that you hate...... but have somehow memorized.......

It follows you onto the elevators.........

Where you try not to make eye contact with all the happy people going upstairs to look at the new babies.....

It follows you into the cafeteria.........

and sits with you at the table.........

staring at a plateful of food that you won't eat..........

"Please", holds you prisoner with it's promise of hope......

you want to turn your back on "Please", the day you see the feeding tube come in.........


When you're brought to your knees, by a small piece of rubber.......

When the dam breaks, and you're not just crying.... you're screaming in a stranger's arms.......

You want to walk away from "Please"..........

forever...........

But you can't.......

Because "Please", is what you're stuck with.......

"Please" is the only thing keeping it all together......


keeping hope alive.....

not just for yourself, but more importantly for your daughter........

and so you get off your knees.......

and introduce "Please" to "Defiance".......


You're reminded of the first time your baby girl came home in tears.......

You thought you knew the meaning of "True Helplessness".........

As you wanted to go beat up someone else's 5 year old......

Turns out.......

You didn't know a thing.....

and now the bully was back....

only instead of taking the shape of a 5 year old, in desperate need of a lesson in sharing......

This bully had chosen the more formidable form of "Brain Injury".........

If you're watching a bad "Lifetime" movie, "Brain Injury" makes for a semi - entertaining couple of hours.......

It gets you away from the laundry and dishes you don't want to do, anyway.......

The heroine/hero suddenly sits up and asks for a cheeseburger...... you get the happy ending...... and you go back to the laundry........

In real life "Brain Injury" is a bitch.........

You want to grab her, and pull her hair out by the roots....


The slowness with which she moves makes you want to scream until you're hoarse.......

Makes you long for the days of the 3 year old, who insists upon putting on her own shoes......

even though you're 10 minutes late to the pediatrician's office........

and your one year old wants to be naked......

even though you've explained to him.... ( semi-patiently) no less than 5 times........

that if his sister ever manages to get the shoe anywhere near the general vicinity of her foot.....

that you'll be going OUTSIDE!!!! ( where it's 8 degrees..... and clothes aren't just a fashion suggestion.... they're a necessity......)

and you think that you know it all.....

watching your 3 year old with the shoe.......

THIS is as slow as time can possibly move.......

Think again......

you know NOTHING......

sit down with "Brain Injury" for awhile......


remember slammed doors, and all the times you forced her to eat her vegetables, even though she assured you it may kill her........

for that, you were willing to take your chances......

"Bargaining" is now holding your hand..........

Your new best friend..........

maybe your only friend..........

You remember the times she screamed: "I hate you"..... and you'd think to yourself.......

"I'm not that fond of you either right now, kiddo".......

You'd give up the rest of your life just to hear one more, "I hate You".............


You remember a scene in Wal Mart ( of all places)
just a couple of months before.....

When your precious 16 year old wasn't getting her own way......

I don't care what anyone says.......

There is nothing uglier than a 16 year old girl not getting her way......

and you question your views on birth control, as your little princess informs not only you, but everyone else standing around in "House wares", that she has gone and had her belly button pierced.......

and there's: "Nothing you can do about it....... so there".......

yeah......

The stretch marks, and morning sickness????

so totally NOT worth it in that moment........

But "Bargaining", forces your hand.........

and you find yourself promising your daughter that she can have anything she wants pierced.........

you'll take her yourself.......

you'll get something pierced yourself....

if she'll only open her eyes.........

Give you just one more chance to be the better mother you know you can be........

"Brain Injury" moves in stages...........

You're given glimpses of this thing called "Hope".....

Glimpses, as your daughter begins answering you....

she might have an entire conversation one day....

Here's the other thing about a 16 year old girl........

No coma in the world is strong enough to keep them away from their first love..... the phone.......

my Heather came back slowly.............

she re-learned her "Baby Steps"............

re-learned how to brush her teeth........

and comb her hair.......

all with her eyes shut..........

I learned that you find hero's in the most unexpected places......

In a nurses touch........

In a Doctor's grin.....

and in your 16 year old as she walks down the hallway...... with her eyes still shut............

Our children are entrusted to us, for just a short amount of time.......

and in that time.....

we're supposed to teach them something about the world........

I'm not sure of the things I taught Heather........

( besides Wal Mart is NOT a good place to break bad news to mommy...)

But I know she taught me patience in those weeks.......

she taught me that anything worth having.....

is worth fighting like hell for........

Was I too selfish for wanting to gaze into those bright blue eyes again???

Maybe........

But thanks to the weeks spent with: "Don't Know", "Please", "Defiance", "Brain Injury", "Bargaining", and "Hope"............

I felt a little entitled.........

and than "Miracle" walked in the door........

It came in on a rainy, cold, evening.......

as the nurse and I were sitting Heather up to transfer her to a chair........

I was talking to Heather, saying: "Heather, It's Mama.... we're going to sit you in the chair for your supper... You're GOING TO EAT YOUR SUPPER"!!!

I was being very forceful.... because I really wanted her to eat... so we could get rid of the feeding tube......

Ironically......

I wasn't thinking of her opening her eyes.......

and that's when "Miracle" took us in it's arms............

Heather opened her eyes.........

The air left the room, and something grabbed me between my stomach and heart.......

It may have been "Belief"..........

because as my daughter and I looked into each other's faces for the first time in weeks...........

we shared a moment more profound, stronger even,
than the one we'd shared on the evening of her birth...

Heather was being born to me again in that moment.....

and as she looked at me, recognition lighting up her face........

it was as if she'd only been having a nap......

as she simply said: "Hi, Mama"............

there was only one thing I could say around the tears....

"Hi, baby...... Welcome Back"............

Today, Heather is a healthy, happy, 22 year old......

who doesn't like naps......

To be continued.....

because, that, is what life is all about......


Janine
"That which does not kill me,
had better run pretty damn fast".
~Author Unknown~

"I enjoy being a girl"...... Part Two.......

Dear, Uterus...........



Make up your ever loving mind........

Are we gonna close the menopause deal, making you obsolete???

You've been with the company for 44 years now, and put in 32 years of dedicated service....

My babies were certainly the worst tenants in the history of the world......

You weren't initiated on soft butterfly flutters..........

There were no gentle nudges for you......

The babies made by Janine...

( Yes, ALONE.......... Mary really started something with that immaculate conception business.... I'm surprised it never caught on more, really.....)

Regardless.....

The babies made by Janine... ( okay, and what's his face, too)

They never kicked......

They jumped.........

They stomped..........

They gyrated.........

Simple kicking was beneath them..........

My children were gifted, right from the womb........

this may have resulted in your every available surface looking like Swiss cheese......

one kind doctor described you as "Tired" and "Needing A rest".......

Meanwhile, I was the one walking the floor with an 8 day old baby with colic.....

while my 4 year old, and 2 year old were trying to out scream each other underneath my feet.....

I didn't own a pair of sweats that wasn't covered in some sort of child body fluid.....

I still looked 6 months pregnant........

I got the hemorrhoids, stretch marks, and labor pains.......

Here's a news flash for you.........

"Tired" goes away........

Hemorrhoids are for forever........

What was I to do???

Send you to Hawaii????

Not alone, buddy.......

And I had the aforementioned 8 day old, who was only happy when he was using me as a giant spit up cloth.......

The 2 year old who was only happy when she was wrapped around my knee, or on my one free hip.....

When asked what she thought of her baby brother, she'd reply......

"No like"..........

Obviously, I never consulted her again.......

The 4 year old was amusing himself........

looking through the personals for an adoptive family.......

Have I mentioned the roughly 723 stitches in the area south of the belly button???

The place where people SIT????

Try sitting down on Styrofoam for two weeks........

What's that????

So, Why do it????

For the stomps......

The stomps that told me all was right......

The stomps that woke me in the middle of the night.....

or caught me , unaware, in the middle of a bad day......

The stomps that reminded me that it was no longer all about me.......

For the bittersweet, and very physical, primal, feeling of my child leaving my body.......

of watching as they began the act of living on their own...........

For those moments at 3 Am, when the rest of the world was sleeping, and it was just me, a chair, and 8 plus pounds of baby.........

for the feeling of running my finger across a petal smooth cheek......

As I gently sang "Puff The Magic Dragon"....... ( off key, all the way...)

As my new baby gazed at me with a face that might have been colic......

but was more likely the singing......

you don't need a translator for: "Uh.... Mom???? has anyone ever mentioned the fact that you can't sing"?????

The feeling of an impossibly tiny hand grasping my finger with the grip of a wrestler........

the vibration through my fingers laid on a tiny back, of a newborns steady breath......

The new smell at the back of a baby's neck......

The feel of a baby's fingers across my mouth, in the first successful reach for a human face......

The sound of a first belly laugh............

The music of a first: "Ma, Ma, Ma".......

The look in a six year old eyes, as he gazes into my face waiting for the answer to:

"Mama..... How do the clouds stay in the sky"??

Dear, Uterus.........

I don't think it's politically correct to say that my children fulfilled me as a woman............

I do think it's fair to say that they fulfilled parts of me........

Some of my favorite parts have been colored in with sticky little hands......

The work that you and I ( and, oh yeah..... what's his face) did together made my children possible.........

Dear, Uterus.....

I'm going to miss you.......

"I don't know nothing bout birthin' no babies"!!!!!!

Heather and Adam have decided that "THEY" are going to have natural childbirth.......

( They are very much a "We" couple.... They are "We're pregnant", people....... please don't take this wrong.... I don't mean to downplay my son in laws involvement, and he's been beyond wonderful with Heather........ and the "We're" pregnant concept is......... cute. I just hope I get to be there when "THEY" try breastfeeding the first time

They are having a natural birth...........

Unmedicated.......

( ewww )

As my presence has been requested at the birth, I'm wondering.........

Since Heather won't be using the epidural.......

Do you think they'd give it to me??????

I am from the "Old School" of childbirth........

Epidurals were not encouraged....... ( Heather reminds me that I had babies in the days of the dinosaur...... so they probably hadn't been invented yet)

"Natural" childbirth was less choice, and more mandatory.........


I am convinced to this day that gas masks in the delivery room were abolished by a man..........

I don't do birth well..............

My husband and I were not a "WE" couple

I gave birth, and he sat in the stadium and kept score............

"Jay.......... JAY........... You have to see this one.......... it's a really big one"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

uh huh

"Come on, Jay........ the doctor says we have to do the breathing".........

Never being much for team sports, and not feeling particularly obedient, I replied:

"Than go have the baby with the damn doctor, and leave me the eff alone....... where are my clothes???? I'm going home".........

and than I may have called him an effing something or other, AND compared a couple of his favorite body parts to the "Munchkins" from the "Wizard Of Oz".........

but it's hazy......

I was having one of those ( mostly) unmedicated births.....

He tried ( bless him) to convince the nurse that I needed a spinal, the doctor, and an exorcist........

because: "You don't understand........ she doesn't talk like this........ there's something wrong".....

Nurse Cratchet was unmoved, as she assured him I was "Just" giving birth..... and than in a move she must have picked up at "Clara Barton's" finishing school for the compassionate nurses across America.... she mumbled.....

"If you think this is good, wait an hour".............

We got older, we got slightly better.........

He learned when he wasn't wanted.........

During the birth of baby number 3, I requested a pepsi.......

They sent a sweet faced student nurse in with ice chips......

ICE. CHIPS.

Not feeling shy I told the sweet child where she could put her ice chips.....

My husband piped up happily from the safety of his spot behind a newspaper.....

"Oh, yeah...... I meant to tell you........ you can't talk to her during a contraction"...........

that's basically me........ as the participant in unmedicated birth........

I tried it as a spectator a few years ago.....

A friend became pregnant and asked another friend and I to stand in as birth coaches........

she gave birth at around 4:45...............

AM.

Yeah.

my eyes were still shut, I was trying to grab a nap, she was screaming for drugs, and water, the other "Coach" was saying something like "There. there"....... and the doctor was announcing: "I think I feel a butt"....................

alrighty than..............

Now I'm awake against my will.........

and ticked off................. ( not a good combo )

I want to reach across my screaming friend, and grab this doctor by the first body part I find, and ask him which cereal box he found his degree in.......

but I see the look on his face....... and on the nurses faces..............

I know the baby has to be born...... fast.

His mother still wants drugs ....( they don't make enough for this situation) and water......... ( which some sadist decided was against the rules..... without checking with me)

So I did the only thing a good friend could do.........

I leaned down into her face and said:

"You can't have drugs....... it's too late....... You're going to look at me, and only at me, you're going to breathe, and you're going to have this baby........ RIGHT NOW!!!! and when it's all over you can take me into the parking lot, and beat the shit out of me..... but right now.... you're going to PUSH!!!!! Go, go, go"!!!!!!!!

and that's how her breech son came into the world..............

across his mother's cries, and my cheerleader shouts..............

It was both horrible, and beautiful.............

It was bloody.......

It was loud...........

It was like going 90 miles an hour over a mountain..........

It was everything scary and right about the world......... all at once............

It was life.

Unmedicated.

"The Goodbye Girl".......

A couple of months ago my granddaughter, Jocelyn, learned to wave

bye bye...........

She's my first grandchild, I love her more than air, and I have no life, so this was a pretty big thing....

I'd been working with her over skype for what seemed like forever , "Jocelyn.... can you say bye bye for grammie...??? wave bye bye"!!!!!

( have you ever been looked at like you'd lost your mind... by a six month old???)

And I'd wave like a maniac at the screen.....

Till one day she looked down at her little hand, she picked it up, and she waved like a maniac........

( okay... she was waving at herself..... and laughing like hell... she was six months... cut her some slack )

I was all excited at her new skill.........

Her mother was not.

Heather: "We're not teaching her Goodbye..... Goodbye is negative, and it's sad... we say, see you later "

I blame myself

When Heather and her brothers were growing up, we were not big on "Goodbye".....

I found it negative, and sad.... and if you're wishing someone "Goodbye" as they're walking out the door... you're just begging for a visit from the bad luck fairy....

I suppose when you have small children, you concentrate on everything new and beginning.....

Babies bring beginnings with them...........

.

They're made for first smiles, first steps......

That first touch of new skin.........

The one that wraps this child around the fabric of your heart, tighter than super glue clings to the first valentine........

Goodbye implies an ending............

and it's impossible to stand in the glow coming off the candles on your child's first Birthday cake, and imagine the day you'll have to let this child go.............

As incomprehensible as it is to understand........

To wrap your mind around...........

Your child begins leaving you, the moment he or she begins independent breathing free of you.....

That first lusty wail is a declaration of their independence......

We teach them to walk and talk, and hopefully to be kind, considerate, and responsible.......

And then we send our helpless babies into a world we pray will always be kind, and will never hold the sadness, the finality, that "Goodbye" brings with it........

We stand at wedding altars, in dorm rooms, in airports and train stations, with tears swimming in our eyes, as we swallow around the lump of reality named "Goodbye" ( or it's sister: "See you later" )

"Goodbye", has taken a hell of a rap, hasn't it??

Goodbye carries an ending, it's true.......

But don't old things have to come to a natural end, in order to make way for new things in our lives???

New jobs, new friends, new places to see.............

and let's not forget new babies...........

I'm not saying goodbye....... I'm saying I'm making way for new things in my life....

Has a much nicer ring to it, don't you think??

Thanks for reading!!!!

an introduction.. and a mother/daughter moment

hi out there in cyberspace.....
This is my first attempt at this.. and I'm nervous..... So......... I'll
just give you some facts about me, and then end with an e mail that I sent this morning.... and hopefully, next time.... I won't feel like I've just been lined up in front of a firing squad.... AND they're out of cigarettes.......
I don't smoke..... but that would be my luck........ ok......... I'm Janine..... I live in the middle of Northern nowhere, where "McDonalds" is the nearest 5 star restaurant...... I work as a CNA, not one of your "Glamour" jobs....... but I've found "Glamour" to be highly overrated, and I love my job.... most days........ I'm in my "Young" forties.......... this means the beginning part of forty... rather than the further end..... when you get close to that "5" number....... I'm in what my doctor calls "Peri Menopause"...... I think this was her nice way of calling me a bitch........ :-) now.... Martha Stewart would do menopause great.... she'd smile, and tell you to think of your hot flashes as a way of conserving global energy....... and that chocolate bar that you're about to kill your 10 year old for?????? You don't really want that...... no, no....... you see........ Chocolate causes pimples in woman "OUR AGE" and we don't want that....... now, do we???????? and let's be real here...... the 10 year old??????? He or she will have it burned off in about a half of a second..... the very act of eating it..... will burn it off...... in the KID..... ( I hate kids.....) YOU, however.... will carry that chocolate bar with you for the rest of your life.. right on your hips....... and your.... "You know where"......... and if your "You know where".... looks anything like mine........ well..... we don't really want that either now, do we?????????? Really..... I hate having reached "OUR AGE"...... which is why..... Martha is Martha...... and I'm Janine....... and She's a millionaire....... let's not forget that...... :-)
Anyway...... they tell me this menopause thing ends..... eventually..... hopefully before I'm dead......... or my friends all wish I were........ now the mood swings...... the mood swings really need their own post..... but I just have this to say......... if you too can also really relate to the whole "Lizzie Borden" and the "Forty Whacks" thing???? Than we MUST talk!!!!! :-) ok....... I have 4 kids, and all the stretch marks to prove it... and if you can't stand reading about other people's kids.... you'd better stop here..... cause you're gonna hear a lot about them!!!! My daughter, Heather, ( my only girl) after having put every gray hair on my head.... has decided to make me a first time Grandmother... this is the thanks I get for 11 hours of labor..... to say nothing of the aforementioned stretch marks.... all over my "You know where"!!!! I'm gonna paste the e mail here..... cause the most important fact about me???? I ramble.... and we could be here all day....... :-) I sent this e mail this morning after my phone call with Heather........ It's called "Mother/Daughter moment..... now.... and then.......





Heather this morning......

"This baby hates me"
(Heather is not a fan of morning sickness)

Then she told me she's already piping music into her belly... which, I think is so neat.... so i asked her what she's playing........ and she named some bands I've never heard of.... and i asked her what they'd done... and she says......

"Heavy Metal".............

I replied....

"No wonder the baby hates you"...............

talk about a captive audience.............

then she wanted to know about the baby's umbilical cord stump........
she still remember's Colt's....


"MY baby's won't look like THAT.... will it"??????
( I've gotten used to this grandmother thing... but every time I hear my little girl say "My baby".... I get choked up, and can't talk for a minute.......)


and just for a minute........ she's 7 again......... with those big blue eyes, and the headful of strawberry blonde curls......... "helping" me with Colt's first diaper at home........



"EEEEWWWWW....... Mama!!! what's THAT"?????!!!!! I didn't have the diaper off yet, and her little finger was pointing towards his belly...... wait till she gets a look at the circumsicion.... God help us all.........


"That's his umbilcal cord stump hun, where he was attached to me".....


She had her pretty little face all scrunched up......

she leaned over her baby brother and said.......

"I love you..... but that is just GROSS"!!!!!!!


and with that.... she did a Heather "Head Toss" ( you'd had to have seen it..... this girl was little miss thing... and she knew it......)


and Miss Heather flounced out of the room.... before I had to explain to her the big owie the Dr had left on her little brother's "Uncle Bob".....

Thank you God............


and as I cooed to my new son.......

"She didn't mean that..... No.... she didn't".....


from the hallway............

"Yes....... I DID"!!!!!!!!!!!


well..... you were the one who wanted to come in here punkin.......


Janine
"Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong; Sometimes it's letting go"
~Sylvia Robinson~