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Sunday, March 17, 2013

"I don't know nothing bout birthin' no babies"!!!!!!

Heather and Adam have decided that "THEY" are going to have natural childbirth.......

( They are very much a "We" couple.... They are "We're pregnant", people....... please don't take this wrong.... I don't mean to downplay my son in laws involvement, and he's been beyond wonderful with Heather........ and the "We're" pregnant concept is......... cute. I just hope I get to be there when "THEY" try breastfeeding the first time

They are having a natural birth...........

Unmedicated.......

( ewww )

As my presence has been requested at the birth, I'm wondering.........

Since Heather won't be using the epidural.......

Do you think they'd give it to me??????

I am from the "Old School" of childbirth........

Epidurals were not encouraged....... ( Heather reminds me that I had babies in the days of the dinosaur...... so they probably hadn't been invented yet)

"Natural" childbirth was less choice, and more mandatory.........


I am convinced to this day that gas masks in the delivery room were abolished by a man..........

I don't do birth well..............

My husband and I were not a "WE" couple

I gave birth, and he sat in the stadium and kept score............

"Jay.......... JAY........... You have to see this one.......... it's a really big one"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

uh huh

"Come on, Jay........ the doctor says we have to do the breathing".........

Never being much for team sports, and not feeling particularly obedient, I replied:

"Than go have the baby with the damn doctor, and leave me the eff alone....... where are my clothes???? I'm going home".........

and than I may have called him an effing something or other, AND compared a couple of his favorite body parts to the "Munchkins" from the "Wizard Of Oz".........

but it's hazy......

I was having one of those ( mostly) unmedicated births.....

He tried ( bless him) to convince the nurse that I needed a spinal, the doctor, and an exorcist........

because: "You don't understand........ she doesn't talk like this........ there's something wrong".....

Nurse Cratchet was unmoved, as she assured him I was "Just" giving birth..... and than in a move she must have picked up at "Clara Barton's" finishing school for the compassionate nurses across America.... she mumbled.....

"If you think this is good, wait an hour".............

We got older, we got slightly better.........

He learned when he wasn't wanted.........

During the birth of baby number 3, I requested a pepsi.......

They sent a sweet faced student nurse in with ice chips......

ICE. CHIPS.

Not feeling shy I told the sweet child where she could put her ice chips.....

My husband piped up happily from the safety of his spot behind a newspaper.....

"Oh, yeah...... I meant to tell you........ you can't talk to her during a contraction"...........

that's basically me........ as the participant in unmedicated birth........

I tried it as a spectator a few years ago.....

A friend became pregnant and asked another friend and I to stand in as birth coaches........

she gave birth at around 4:45...............

AM.

Yeah.

my eyes were still shut, I was trying to grab a nap, she was screaming for drugs, and water, the other "Coach" was saying something like "There. there"....... and the doctor was announcing: "I think I feel a butt"....................

alrighty than..............

Now I'm awake against my will.........

and ticked off................. ( not a good combo )

I want to reach across my screaming friend, and grab this doctor by the first body part I find, and ask him which cereal box he found his degree in.......

but I see the look on his face....... and on the nurses faces..............

I know the baby has to be born...... fast.

His mother still wants drugs ....( they don't make enough for this situation) and water......... ( which some sadist decided was against the rules..... without checking with me)

So I did the only thing a good friend could do.........

I leaned down into her face and said:

"You can't have drugs....... it's too late....... You're going to look at me, and only at me, you're going to breathe, and you're going to have this baby........ RIGHT NOW!!!! and when it's all over you can take me into the parking lot, and beat the shit out of me..... but right now.... you're going to PUSH!!!!! Go, go, go"!!!!!!!!

and that's how her breech son came into the world..............

across his mother's cries, and my cheerleader shouts..............

It was both horrible, and beautiful.............

It was bloody.......

It was loud...........

It was like going 90 miles an hour over a mountain..........

It was everything scary and right about the world......... all at once............

It was life.

Unmedicated.

2 comments:

Eva Gallant said...

I did the Lamaze thing with both my kids back in 1972 and 1973. It was a new concept at that particular little hospital in Maine. I was fortunate in that my Lamaze instructor was just getting accredited and asked if I would be a case study for her--which meant that she would be in the delivery room with me. My hubby (now my ex) was a great coach, and I was lucky that all went well, both times. I remember calling my mom at 8:00 a m to tell here she had another grandson. ( I was the youngest of 7, and the last to "reproduce.") She asked when he was born, and I answered 7:10.
"Last night?" she asked. "No, this morning." You had a baby this morning at 7:10 and you're on the phone to me at 8 o'clock???" "I'd have called sooner, Mom, but the switchboard wasn't opened."
She was totally amazed at the whole unmedicated concept!

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

And THEY are going to do great! I had both of my girls natural and without meds or epidural. You will get through it too. Maybe it will be one of the first ever, "painless" births????

Cover The Kiddies Eyes....

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